I’ve been having a hard time the past few days. It’ seems to be hitting me in phases that I could be spending 3 months in France next year. Doing this, applying for this program – it’s hard creatively, but more than anything, it’s doing my head in.
This is a big goal.
This is definitely not something that I was ever “supposed” to do.
It’s about as far away from ironing handkerchiefs as you can get.
And while I’ve always challenged the path that was laid out for me, this is a pretty big step in the opposite direction. I’m scaring myself a little bit with my audacity.
Who am I to want to go to this school? Who am I to even think I could get in, let alone get a scholarship. Scholarships are for special people. I am most distinctly not a special person.
Or so the voice goes.
The closer I get to the deadline, and the closer I get to finishing these pieces, the louder those voices get. It’s getting to resemble a siege in my head – all the old beliefs are sitting in the castle, throwing cows at me and telling me my mother smells like elderberries, and the rest of me is camped outside the ramparts, building catapults. At least I’ve got fire.
And as hard as all of this feels, as agonizing as it is to be this terrified practically every second of the day, I am winning.
It doesn’t always feel like it, but I am finishing the pieces. I am painting. I am nearing completion. And that means that I’m winning.
At the end of the day, it almost doesn’t even matter if I get into the program or not. (Okay, well it kinda does. I would like to go.)
More importantly than that, choosing this school, choosing to apply, it’s symbolic.
This is me, choosing to dream big, choosing to ignore completely the path that was laid before me. This is me, choosing to live life on my own terms.
I am playing to win, not just playing to not lose. There’s a difference.
Applying to this school means stepping up, and asking more of life – yes, I want to paint. Yes, I want to travel. Yes, I want adventure and excitement and to be challenged. Yes, I want to make money doing what I love. Yes, I need $15,000 to be able to complete this program.
And more importantly, yes, I am going to try.
Who am I to want to go to this school? Who am I to try for a scholarship?
I am me.
And now on to the sneak peaks….
A teaser of my latest work in progress
This is the latest piece I’ve been working on for France, which no one outside of Jesse has seen yet. I’ll be sending out the full image in my newsletter this afternoon – if you want to see the rest, you should sign up!
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