I seem to be playing the comparison game with myself lately.
You know – the one where you look at everyone else’s success and tell yourself that you’ll never measure up?
I haven’t played it in a while, but I’m not at my best lately, so I’ve got fewer defenses for when the gremlins start up.
The other day I wrote about envy, and this new game seems to be the cousin of that.
I’ve noticed some new people in my Twitter stream who are getting talked up a lot. They seem so wonderful, so helpful and inspiring.
And I feel like I have nothing to offer the world in comparison.
<insert melodramatic sighs and moping over cups of tea>
The thing is, I’m nothing like these people and businesses I compare myself too. I tell myself that because I only offer the world pictures – instead of useful 5 step how-to articles or witty insights into marketing or inspiring posts about how we should all just love each other, or even ass-kicking posts on success or creativity – I tell myself that I have nothing valuable to give to the world.
I can only humbly offer my art and my own journey, as I learn to shine my own light in the world.
I’m no guru. I’m not wise. I’m just some 23 year old kid with a dream.
I’m just a girl who yearns to help others rediscover their light, to overcome adversity and learn to create a life they can fall in love with.
I just want to sprinkle a little hope and beauty around the place.
It’s sort of hard to fit that into a 5 step plan for your life though.
But it has a tendency to make me feel like I’m not contributing anything to the world.
And so I get days like today, where I peruse others’ sites and beat myself up for not being awesome like them.
Instead of remembering to be awesome like me.
I forget my own successes, which have nothing to do with how many times someone retweets my post, or links to my article on Facebook, or how popular I am.
I forget about getting into the program in France, which means the world to me.
I forget that I am supporting myself when no one ever thought I would.
I forget that I’m lucky enough to be given the love of one totally wonderful guy.
I forget that I have fabulous friends.
I forget that I am healthier than I’ve ever been.
I forget that I do what I love every single day.
I forget that I live in a beautiful apartment that I love.
I forget that I moved across the country to live by the sea, when no one thought I’d live anywhere but my parent’s basement.
I forget that I was strong enough to leave that abusive relationship 5 years ago.
I forget that I am strong enough to be healing those wounds now.
These successes mean nothing to anyone but me. They’re quiet but deep.
They won’t be celebrated on Facebook or retweeted on Twitter. I can’t fit them into a how-to post.
I can only offer a bit of hope – that if I can do it, you can too. I am not superhuman, super rich or super famous.
I’m just me. But I live a life of deep contentment. If nothing else changes for the rest of my life – if my business never grows, if I never make more money, if I never become well known or celebrated – I’d be okay with that.
I’ve made a nice little life for myself here. It’s a life I never thought I’d have. I have a life filled with love, creativity and joy.
When I read that list above, I’m reminded that no matter what else happens – I did it.
I freed myself. I took my life into my own hands. I succeeded.
And I wouldn’t trade that for all the retweets in Twitterdom.