I’m kind of glad January is almost over.
It’s not that it hasn’t been amazing and fabulous.
It’s just been…a lot. A lot of scary. A whole helluva lot of stretching. Stretching past fear, past self-imposed limitations, past my ideas of what is possible or not.
On December 24th, in “The Crisis is Over” I wrote about the kind of year I was planning. I wrote that it was time for a new era, where I was going to really step into my own.
“…the crisis is over. The time for fighting is over. We don’t need to live in deprivation mode anymore, just to get us from one day to the next. […]
I want to remember that I am powerful. I have the power to create the life that I want. I am not helpless. I am not a victim. I am powerful.[…]
No more struggle. No more fighting. I want to work on opening up to receive. […]
Everything I’ve got planned for this year is about the same thing – leaving the struggle, the fighting, the helplessness behind. It’s really about coming into my own and living life on my own terms. It’s what I’ve spent 10 years fighting for.
I won the war. Now I need to relax and start enjoying it.”
The 10 days between Christmas Eve and the first Monday of the new year were quiet. I’d taken that week off in preparation, knowing that no matter what happened on January 3rd, this year was going to pick up straight away.
I still didn’t quite expect the last month.
Aside from being accepted into the studio program in France, and getting a scholarship and having my art put on their site and then being informed I should really think about staying till the end of October, not just the middle of August, but then raising all of the tuition ($3,750) in 10 days and getting so much support from so many people – yeah, that would have been crazy enough.
And then I posted a video of me singing and dancing. Which is something that would have terrified me just 2 months ago. Me? Singing? That was enough to make me hide under the bed. I’ve been told my whole life that I’m a terrible singer. The first few recordings, I was doing the nervous choke. But then I got into it and told myself to just have fun – which I did. I had a ball recording that video. I want to do more! (And then to have people tell me I’m pretty good? That was crazy.)
There was also the video where I almost started bawling on camera while talking about my past and what getting into the school in France means to me. Yep, that was pretty scary too.
The next thing you know, I’m being offered a job to manage a gallery next summer.
And did I mention that I’m teaching my first ever online course this weekend? And I’ve been recording my first-ever webinars all week? Like, I’m – I dunno – some kind of expert or something?
I even drummed up all of my courage and emailed the local modeling agency – it’s something I’ve always wanted to try, but always thought to myself, “Who are you to think you’re beautiful?” I might have an audition next Thursday, if they don’t mind my being in France half the year – I’m still waiting to hear.
(Actually, even just telling you that I want to give modeling a go makes me feel very nervous – I’m embarrassed and worried that you’ll think I’m horribly shallow.)
The Voice of Possibility
I’m suddenly doing things left and right that I just never thought were possible. I never even let them get on the radar. Now it’s like there’s a little voice whispering (okay, sometimes yelling) that maybe I could try this or try that, and wouldn’t that thing be fun?
Wouldn’t it be fun to stay in France till the end of October?
Wouldn’t it be fun to do a bit of modeling on the side?
Wouldn’t it be fun to have some extra money so we can get a haircut/some clothes that aren’t falling apart/new contacts?
I feel like I’m unfurling, blooming. People keep commenting on it.
For the first time in such a long, long time, I’m feeling almost comfortable in my own skin. I can sense my own competence. Some moments, I can even say I feel pretty confident.
It’s not a 100% turn around. I seem to shift back and forth between insecurity and confidence. But most importantly, I seem to have figured out how to get back to feeling confident even when I get knocked down.
So here’s to January. It’s been quite a crazy month. I am unbelievably grateful for all of the good things, opportunities and support that has come my way.
February is just around the corner. I wonder what it’s going to bring…