Sometimes backwards is the right way to go

by

I’ve had a few people look at me cockeyed since announcing on Wednesday that I was going to back off of my self-promotion efforts because of my healing process.

“So what you’re trying to tell me is, that even though you need $18,000 to get to France this summer, you’re going to stop promoting your art?

Well, yes and no.

I mean, I did launch a Pay What You Can event yesterday for my birthday. But the launch was pretty low-key. If you’re called to it, you’ll find it. It’s sort of an experiment anyways. If I happen to make some money, that’s a sweet, sweet side effect. But I just wanted to try something cool.

But at the same time, going into hardcore marketing mogul mode, like I did back in January, isn’t what’s right for me at this time. That might change next week, or next month.

There is some logic behind this, I promise.

I know this seems really backwards. From the outside, it looks like I’m stopping, maybe even giving up.

But what looks like a lack of motion from the outside, is actually me diving deeper.

My relationship with my body is an unhappy one. The abuse jarred me out of my Self. There’s a disconnect and that’s been getting louder lately as this part of my life tries to get my attention.

It’s come out as me abandoning any sort of physical self care. I’ve stopped exercising, or eating properly. Even taking my makeup off at night has become a tiresome chore. I’ve been living in sweatpants and forgetting to floss.

Anything that brings me into a closer connection with my body is something that I’ve been avoiding like mad.

My body is my home here on Earth. The abuse was like being robbed. My boundaries, my sense of safety, were violated. I’ve been afraid to return.

But until I can be at home in my body, I’m at home nowhere.

It’s about putting down roots before I can reach my branches to the sky.

I want to reconnect with my physical self. It’s about reclaiming my body as my own.

It’s about being brave enough to look at the damage that was done and start picking up the pieces.

Maybe today I throw out some of the broken things. Maybe tomorrow I sweep. Next week, I might dust.

This afternoon, I may throw open the windows and let the fresh breeze rush in, blowing out all of the cobwebs and stale air.

With time, I will heal this rift. My body and I will become friends again. I will come home.

But it’s hard.

Sorting through the broken shards of my memories is painful. There are some things that I never wanted to remember. Some days the pain is a sharp twist, and other times, it’s a dull ache. Sometimes, it’s all I can do to lie on the couch and stare at the wall.

This time is my gift to myself.

When I’m in France, I don’t want to be in this place. I don’t want my mind clouded by depression and pain when I’m trying to learn and absorb as much as possible.

This summer is my fresh start. When I get on that plane, it will be with a lighter mind and a happier spirit. It will be my new beginning.

I will finally be able to step into my own.

Sometimes backwards moves you forwards

I have a theory.

I have a feeling that by taking these steps to go inside and heal my physical pain will result in the money I need showing up.

I have nothing to base this on except experience – every time I take the time to heal, I consistently make more money.

At the end of the day, money is just another form of energy. The more I heal, the more energy I can allow to flow through my life.

And as I heal this darkness and this part of my life, all of the other parts of my life will get better too. Nothing is separate. It’s all a part of a bigger pattern that is my life.

Comments

Everyone varies. This is just my experience and my healing process. I just ask that you respect my choices and my feelings. I’m not looking for advice, but support, hugs and cake are always welcome. And if you’ve been through something similar, I’d love to hear about your experiences.

The “Pay What You Can” Experiment

If you’re interested in the “Pay What You Can” event for my artwork, you can click this link here to read about it. Only happening until 20/3/11!