I have come to the inevitable conclusion that I am just never going to be an adult.
Again and again, I struggle with the idea that I somehow need to get it together, to grow up, to be responsible. That I need to eat 8 servings of fruit and vegetables a day, not let mold grow on my dirty dishes*, bleach my bathroom on a regular basis, start saving for a rainy day, buy health insurance, starting investing for retirement, exercise daily and god only knows what else.
*Okay, I actually don’t want that to become a regular occurrence.
You get inundated from left and right with all of these ideas about how you’re supposed to be acting, if you were a responsible adult. Combine that with my oh so tiny tendency towards perfectionism (who, me?) and I end up with one crazy inadequacy complex.
Welcome to Overwhelm City.
It’s almost impossible to work 2 jobs, build a business, take care of myself, eat properly, exercise well daily and keep on top of the housework and grocery shopping and the million other errands that happen in life. On top of that, I’m trying to learn 8 million and one things about art, so I can improve.
It’s hard though. I want to do so many things, but I suck at time management just can’t seem to find the time. I want to do some daily Shiva Nata, to keep my creativity honed and happy. But I also want to do some yoga, so my muscles can stretch out and be less hurt-ey. I also enjoy walking, so I’d like to do some of that.
Plus I’m trying to eat well, so there’s the cooking and grocery shopping that go along with that. Then cooking produces dishes.
And then I’m trying to learn all of this stuff about art and every time I turn around there’s another thing that I know absolutely nothing about, and you can’t just learn it – you need to apply it as well. So it’s this intense learning/creation thing going on.
Plus I have 2 jobs so that I can make the money I need to do these things. Oh, and I’d also like to sleep and see friends.
The problem is, I keep (stupidly) thinking that there’s going to be some kind of balance achieved. That somehow I’ll get the hang of it, and suddenly everything will be fine and I won’t feel so highly strung.
I think I just need to get over it. Accept the fact that I will never be an adult, that sometimes mold will grow on my dishes, my laundry pile will rage out of control, and I won’t always eat 8 servings of fruit and vegetables every day and whatever else it is you’re supposed to eat every day. (Seriously, does anyone do that and not eat all the time?!)
I think what I need to do is set parameters for satisfaction, for enough-ness. I read about something similar on Jen Louden’s blog a while back – she calls it the “Satisfaction Finder“. (That’s not an affiliate link, and I don’t own the product, but doesn’t it look wonderful?)
The idea is that you define what is enough. You define the standards by which you’ll be satisfied, instead of constantly running around looking for more, more, more.
I need that. I need to start defining what is “enough” so I don’t spend my days and weeks running around like a chicken with my head cut off, constantly berating myself for not having achieved “more”.
So maybe enough is yoga 3 times a week. Maybe enough is 2 hours of studio time a day. Maybe it means 4-5 servings of fruit and vegatables, and doing my dishes every couple of days, and having one day of cleaning per month. Maybe it means doing laundry every 2 weeks. Maybe it means just focusing on painting from life for now and learning the other skills later.
As of yet, I don’t know. But for once, it would be great to feel like me, and what I’m doing, is enough.