The guilt monster has been back, snapping at my heels again about this nude show. I can’t seem to get the damned creature to leave me alone. No matter what choice I seem to make, I end up feeling guilty about something, or like I’ve disappointed someone.

Ugh. Buggeration.

Choice #1 – Throw myself in gung ho

On the one hand, I feel really guilty if I’m not throwing myself into this show, because the other artist is. If I’m not practically killing myself to finish this, then I feel like I’m going to be a disappointment, like I’m letting the other person down.

Despite the fact that last Tuesday I was so exhausted I was almost throwing up, I still feel like I’m supposed to be doing this, despite the fact that it is essentially physically impossible for me to do without putting myself in hospital.

But still, hospitalization means nothing to the guilt.

Choice #2 – Take my time, rest lots, don’t work more than 8 hours a day and take lots of time off

This one comes from people who love me and care about me lots and don’t want me to completely kill myself to do this show. I get that, and I totally appreciate their concern.

But I have a lot to do, and so when I end up working a 14 hour day, or only getting 6.5 hours of sleep instead of 8, I feel guilty because, oh my god, I’m letting them down because I’m supposed to be taking better care of myself, and I’m just a failure and a disappointment.

The thing is, I like working long days, because right now, pretty much everything I do I love. So it’s a labour of love, not pain.

So as you can see, either way, I’m fucked. I’m just going to feel guilty.

Except really, neither of these choices is the right one

Why, you ask?

Because I’m making neither of these choices for me. I’m making them for other people. So the result will always be guilt, and shame, and misery on my part. Because I’m not doing it for me.

The second I realized this, I realized just how often I do it for most of the decisions I make in the rest of my life, whether consciously or unconsciously.

I make choices to not rock the boat, to keep others happy, to make others feel better or more comfortable. But very, very rarely do I make choices for me. And if I do, it’s like standing on a narrow tree branch in a high wind – you’re waiting for the world to fall down around you. Oh my god, look at that girl! She just made a decision that was best for her!

So what do I really want to do about this show?

And more importantly, what am I going to choose to do about this show?

I choose to pace myself, and not put myself in the ground with almost pointless hard work.

I choose to sleep at least 7 hours a night, and hope for 8 if I’m lucky.

I choose to get up at 6am, and work a long day, steadily but at my own pace.

I choose to work long hours.

I choose to exercise and take naps and take time to meditate.

I choose to take time out to visit friends and start saying my goodbyes.

I choose to sometimes work past my “best” point if that means I’m going to finish something important to me.

I choose to work really, really hard to meet certain deadlines.

These are my choices.

I made them for me. Because that’s what I wanted. And I can change some of these choices, if I choose to. But only because that’s what is right for me, and not because it’s what someone else thinks I should or shouldn’t do, or even what my guilt thinks I should or shouldn’t do.

It’s not going to be easy. Actually it’s probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever decided to do. But as long as you’re letting everyone else’s opinions decide your life for you, you’re never going to get the life that you want. As hard as it’ll be, it’s worth it.

So who do you make your decisions for? To make you happy? Or to keep others happy?