Fear. You don’t think about it constantly controlling your day to day life, do you? Or maybe you do, I don’t know.
I know I can get pretty freaked out in certain situations, but I never really thought about fear controlling my entire life.
I’m slowly discovering that it does. It makes a lot of decisions for me, like whether I paint today or not. Whether I do work for my web design clients “because it needs to be done” or spend some time fleshing out my latest piece.
Let’s face it – the entire reason I started doing web design is based in fear. Fear of art, fear of failure, fear of not enough.
I have become brilliant at coming up with excuses to not paint. Even with a deadline looming less than 2 months away, I’m still procrastinating, still worrying about my web design clients, dragging the work out, finding more work.
I make my art because I want to change the world. I make websites because I want to hide from it.
What prompted these realizations is Seth Godin’s latest book, Linchpin. I haven’t finished yet, but I just finished the section on “The Resistance.” It’s been similar to getting punched in the gut. I realized how often I let the fear drive my life.
I know I’m afraid of success. If I’m successful, I’ll have to keep doing it – I’ll have to keep doing this scary, terrifying, gut wrenching, uncomfortable thing called art. It’s what I want and at the same time, my fear is fighting tooth and claw to get away from it. Sadly, it often seems to be winning.
There have been moments in my life when I’ve managed to ignore it – whole periods of time where I was beautifully productive and creative. A couple years ago, I created some of my best work in my opinion. Then I got stuck, right after that.
If I’m honest with myself, I never got unstuck from that point. The idea of “being responsible” got its teeth into me and hasn’t let go. The fear really wants me to grow up now. With my 22nd birthday lurking around the corner, the resistance seems to be getting louder.
Another part of the reason for that volume is because I’m noticing it more. Even writing this post is making it freak out, as it tries to disguise itself as common sense, as indignation, as anger. There’s a tenseness in my chest that makes me want to stop writing this. I’m resisting the urge to check my emails, to abandon this entirely and go back to doing the “important work” (read: web design.)
So I’m sitting here, with the lizard on my shoulder, digging it’s claws into me. And he’s welcome to sit here as long as he likes. I’m not moving.
4 Comments
I was listening to Rewind on CBC Radio the other day and they replayed an interview from the Calgary Olympics with some then-former Olympians. And in answer to a question about the ongoing impact on them of winning a medal it turned out that the only negative was the impact on their sport.
They found that winning a medal put pressure on them to repeat that kind of performance and then they focused too much on the product rather than the details of the process that got them the medal in the first place.
Can you focus on the process more and worry less about the product? Like it doesn’t matter what you paint or how good it is, you are just going to paint for x hours a day and then once a month go through everything you have painted and choose the best stuff to put out into the world? Would that help?
.-= JoVE´s last blog ..Considering going on to PhD =-.
I think that would help once I got back into painting.
Right now, it’s everything to do with my art. The lizard just thinks I need to get over this “stupid hobby” once and for all. So career stuff, a new website, painting, sketching, learning, whatever – I keep finding ways to make it second place, reasons I should be doing anything except for what I really care about. I can’t seem to do anything it seems. Or if I manage to do 1 thing, I’m certainly not allowed to do anything else for a while.
I think the hardest part is that it’s been really subconscious up till recently – I’m just noticing how many excuses, how many emergencies I create so that I’m not painting or doing anything art-related. I have to put it off until “tomorrow”. Except there’s always something new.
I’m stuck in the cycle and it’s driving me batty.
Very interesting reading! Sometimes we don’t realize all the underlying thoughts that motivate our actions. It’s nice to be reminded of these things so we can overcome them.
They can certainly affect me in my trade.. You don’t want to mess up a piece with gold at $1,150 per ounce! But that shouldn’t hold me back…
Thanks for reminding me!
.-= AndrosCreations´s last blog ..Handmade Silver Guitar Pick – Made From Vintage Kennedy Half Dollar =-.
I think we all suffer from either a fear of failure or fear of success at sometime in our lives. I’ve lived most of a life and have managed both. I agree with Jove about concentrating on the process rather than the product/goal.
In fact, what’s worked for me is to view everything as a learning experience. Nothing seems scary if it’s just another process to help you learn.
Cheers — Larry
.-= Larry Marshall´s last blog ..Fixed My Stiks =-.