I woke up this morning with my knickers in a twist. I was stressed out, freaking out, panicked, and miserable. A billion thoughts were rushing around my head – I’m broke, how are we going to move, my email account isn’t working, my WordPress comment emails aren’t coming through, how am I going to move money to that account, blah blah blah.

Lots of worries. Lots of panic. Lots of freaking out.

Now normally, I would try to push through it. I’d berate myself for being upset and make myself work anyways, except it wouldn’t really go anywhere because I’d just be so damn upset and then more upset because I was pushing myself so hard. It wasn’t pretty.

Today though, I decided to try something different. Instead of rushing past it, I stopped. I stopped, slowed down and really listened.

Writing it all out

I pulled out my journal and decided to hear what my worries had to say.

Me: Okay, Worries, let’s hear it. What’s going on? What’s upsetting you?

Worries: We’re worried. We don’t know what’s going to happen. We have no money. Where is all the money going to come from? We need lots of money! What are you going to do about your broken email? What are you going to do about your overdraft? What’s going to happen?!

Me: Whew. Okay, Worries. I get it. You’re really upset. You’re panicky. I’m really hearing that you need reassurance right now and you want to know that everything’s going to be okay. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you that everything is going to be totally fine, because I don’t know what’s going to happen. But right now, I need to be able to think clearly, so if you all could just speak one at a time, that’d be great. Then I can sit down and try to think of solutions, okay?

Worries: Oh, right. Yes, of course. We’ll quiet down now.

Me: Thank you. That’s wonderful.

Just sitting with it

I lay down, and started breathing, slowly going into meditation mode. I decided that I would just sit with the worries and the discomfort of how I was feeling, instead of trying to numb it all out. I let the discomfort sit there, let it be there. And then I did something completely radical for me:

I accepted it. I focused on the feeling and just kept repeating, “I accept you and I love you. I accept you and I love you.”

The panic eased a little bit, the struggle became less and less. I lay there for who knows how long, just repeating this same sentence again and again. And then as I came out of meditation, I said to myself, “Oh hell, you know what? I just accept everything.”

My brain instantly shot back with, “Well what are you going to be unhappy about then?”

I sat there for 30 seconds, completely dumbfounded, and then started laughing hysterically. Because really, you have to laugh. I mean, if I just accepted that everything is the way it is, what on earth am I going to complain about? What’s going to upset me? What am I going to struggle against, and bitch about?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So I have no reason to be unhappy.

So I’m pretty cheerful right now

Once I accepted everything, it was kind of like, “Oh well then, we’ll just have to come up with solutions to the stuff that isn’t perfect. No biggie.” I’m feeling so relaxed right now. I know I have lots to get done, I know things aren’t fabulous financially, I know that life is hectic. Okay, that’s what it is then. I’ll just make it work.

I don’t know how long this feeling is going to last. I may wake up tomorrow in another complete panic and have to repeat the process. But right now, it is what it is, and everything is exactly the way it’s supposed to be. I accept it and I love it, because guess what? I made it. Whatever my situation in life, I put myself there. If I put myself there, I can put myself somewhere else. It’s pretty much up to me.

Now I’m off to paint and be cheerful!

Update: While writing this, I’ve just found out about a financial windfall that came out of nowhere. Some of our financial problems have now been solved. I’m not even kidding you. Life is so strange.