I feel like my life is un-stitching itself, coming apart at the seams.

I know that I asked for this, that I asked for change and healing and new life, but seriously? Seriously. This is ridiculous.

My life is rearranging itself around me. It’s like the whole damn thing just picked itself up and threw itself into the air, where it promptly started spinning and dashing back and forth.

If my life was a house, then the couch is in the kitchen, the toilet’s in the bedroom and I can’t even find my bed to go hide under it.

Maybe the closet’s safe…although I’m terrified as to what I’ll find when I open the door. Maybe a black hole or a rip in the time space continuum.

All this change is exhausting.

I am seriously getting nothing done. I’m completely drained. I know I should be doing lots of…stuff? Yes, stuff. Important stuff. But I can’t remember what those things are right now.

I just want everything to slow down for just two seconds so that I can get back on my feet. Two seconds. That’s all I ask.

I am so tired.

Can’t I just sleep now? I just want to take a nap. A really long nap. And when all of this has calmed down, when all the furniture has decided where it wants to live, then I’ll wake up.

Be careful what you wish for.

Don’t, and I mean, just don’t, ever ask the Universe to completely change your life for you. Unless, of course, you’re prepared for a serious ass kicking. Ask it to change little bits at a time. Although it seems that the Universe usually requires your undivided attention and commitment. I don’t think the Universe does “little, itty bits of change”. By default, it seems to require a complete overhaul.

And let’s be honest, I was completely miserable before. I hated my life and where it was going and who I was becoming. I desperately wanted and needed change. I did not want to become another drone in life, mindlessly wandering around, working a 9-5 job and never really living. If there’s one thing I have to say for all this change stuff, it’s that I feel more alive than I have in a very, very long time.

I’m more present. I’m more aware, more conscious. There’s also more freakout, more hurt, more sad and more pain. But also more laughter, joy, and happiness.

It’s like living on an emotional rollercoaster.

Some days I’m up and dancing round the house, and some days I’m completely exhausted and just getting out of bed seems like a chore.

Right now, there’s lots of exhaustion. And because of the exhaustion, frustration. Because I want to be doing stuff, but my body and heart and mind are dragging. They need comfort. They need to be taken care of. They need to rest.

It’s like trying to negotiate a peace treaty, and I’m stuck in the middle. Have I ever mentioned that I’m an awful diplomat?

This is the worst ad for changing ever

One might read this and think, “Wow, there is no way in hell that I am ever going to do this whole change thing. I think I’ll just stay where I am, thankyouverymuch.”

Fair enough. I get that. Change is scary. Change is most certainly not easy. But thethings in life that are easy are the things that usually aren’t worth getting.

Sluts are easy. But does anyone care about them? Nope. Easy does not equate value.

But neither does hard.

I’m not saying that life is supposed to be this god awful struggle, and that’s the only way it’s worth something. That would mean that everyone working minimum wage in McDonalds and trying to survive is basically a saint.

What I’m trying to say is that when you decide to change, you become a nonconformist. You become unconventional. You shuck your old patterns and behaviors and try on new ones. You flout the laws of convention and decide to make your own rules, to create your own life.

The part of you that hates change and wants to stay safe is going to start having a meltdown. It is going to try everything possible to stop you from changing. Humans are built with a natural herd mentality. We don’t want to stand out. We don’t want to upset anyone. We just want to go along and be nice people and not really rock the boat.

Except the second you start to change, you’ve started to rock the boat. And people might not like it. This might upset you, and make you feel like a terrible person. You’re not.

You deserve love.

You deserve respect.

You deserve attention.

You deserve a life that makes you blissfully, delightfully, deliciously happy.

You might have to work for it. You might lose some people that you thought were friends. (I lost those people a long, long time ago.) All change requires an exchange of energy – you can’t move towards something new unless you’re willing to let go of the old.

Letting go is hard. The work is hard. The sudden revival of so much old hurt and pain that needs to be let go is hard.

But the change is glorious.