Despite yesterday’s flippant comments about Billy Connolly curing creative burnout, my flippancy masked a deeper problem.

I was absolutely killing myself with my work load. By the time 9pm rolled around last night, I was so tired, I was close to throwing up. Not good. I went to bed, and slept badly till I dragged my butt out of bed at 6:30am to start working again. After about an hour, I knew something had to change.

I can’t keep doing this to myself

Because it’s really hard to finish paintings if you’re in hospital. My body is throwing temper tantrums at me, and today, my allergies are insanely awful. I can barely breathe and my throat’s ripped apart. Think that maybe it’s trying to tell me something?

While my natural instinct is to rail and push against my body, I know that it’s not doing this to punish me. It’s doing it to get my attention. Something along the lines of:

“Halloooo? Did you notice how much pain you’re in? How cranky you are? How mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted you’re making yourself? How you’re crying at the drop of a hat? All that? Yeah. You made that happen. And now we find that it’s necessary to point that out to you.”

Oops. Yeah, about that…

Have I ever mentioned that sometimes I feel guilty?

Maybe once or twice? Perhaps?

I really still feel like I don’t  have time for this “taking care of myself” crap. But what’s really, really amping the guilt up is feeling that if I don’t run myself into the ground, I’m not committed. That I don’t really care, unless I’m sacrificing my health for what I want. Unless I rip myself apart on every level – not just physically, but emotionally and mentally too – then I don’t really care, I’m not that committed, and I’m probably letting everyone down.

And then everyone’s going to be disappointed in me.

Oh, that’s a button right there. That is a button, and it has been pushed.

Other People’s Standard vs My Standards

I’m trying to protect myself from others  being disappointed in me, and the shame that often overwhelms me when I feel like I’ve let another person down. I’m afraid of what people will say – “Oh, look at her. She’s only working 14 hours a day instead of 20 like us.” I think it’s got something to do with high school and asking for extensions on projects because I’d get so sick and be so mentally foggy that I just couldn’t finish them in time.

When my peers found out, I was ridiculed and scorned for it.

So me, taking time for myself, and doing things at my own pace – yeahh, kinda triggers some for me.

Stuff or not, something’s gotta change

So I could talk all day about how it triggers some stuff for me, but if I don’t actually change something, I’m on my way to making myself very, very sick. So new rules!

Rule #1 – At least 8 hours of sleep, every night, no question. This is not negotiable.

Rule #2 – No more than 14 hours of painting/working in a day. (Unless it is a viable emergency. Then I may get an hour extension. But no more.)

Rule #3 - Spend up to an hour, and no less than 30 minutes meditating and exercising every day. I need this if I’m not going to go insane.

Rule #4 - Spend at least 6 hours painting every day, and make it the priority. Try to get in 8 hours of painting.

Rule #5 – Spend no more than 2 hours a day working on websites for other people. The websites will live if they’re not done ASAP, as neither are emergencies.

Rule #6 – Spend at least 15 minutes a day sitting in the sun, relaxing, maybe do some reading.

Hopefully by sticking to this schedule, I’ll be able to avert disaster and maybe my body will stop yelling at me.

Here’s hoping.