T-mins 37 days: The power of unvoiced fear

So I’m painting this morning, and I’m getting antsier and antsier. I’m fidgeting in my seat, getting frustrated and upset with the painting. I’m feeling anxious, worried, unsure of where I’m going next.

What the heck is wrong with me?

Self, I think we need to have a chat

Slowly but surely, I’m learning to have a more compassionate response to my doubts, fears and anxieties. Instead of punishing myself for being anxious, I decided to find out where it came from.

Hey, Self? What’s up? You seem really anxious and upset and scared. What’s going on? I know you’re not actually worried about the painting – it’s going really well. So what’s actually bothering you?

Mmm, well, ya know. I’m feeling kind of anxious because we haven’t heard from Katie (one of my best friends) in a while. And I miss her. And we’re leaving soon. And we texted her the other day, and tried to call, but no one picked up, and I’m afraid that maybe she hates us. Maybe we did something wrong. Maybe she’s mad at us! Oh my gosh! What if she thinks that instead of being hardcore busy, we hate her?! And that’s why we haven’t been able to call for a couple weeks, because our life got eaten by the busy?! Oh noooo. Nooo. I don’t want Katie to think we hate her. We love her. She’s our favouritest person. We miss her. (Hangs head.)

Whoa, whoa. You are really worried about this, aren’t you?

Yeahhh. I get so afraid that I’m going to screw things up and then people will hate us. That maybe we’ll secretly screw things up, and make people hate us. I’m so afraid. I don’t want to lose Katie as a friend. We’re leaving soon! What if we don’t get to see her lots before we leave?  That would be awful!

I know, it really would be awful. I miss Katie too, it’s okay. But what if Katie’s life got eaten by the busy too? What if she doesn’t hate us, but is just super, duper busy with work. We do know that she works hard, and can sometimes work long hours, til the early hours of the morning. And then by the time she wakes up, she has to go do it all over again. So maybe, just maybe, she’s as busy as we are. And doesn’t actually hate us.

Oh, that’s a good point. Maybe she is. But what are we going to do? That doesn’t change the fact that we still miss her and want to see her!

Well we’re going to call her that’s what. Later on, when it’s not 7am, we’re going to call her, and if we don’t get through, we’re going to keep on calling her because she’s Katie, and we love her, and she’s so worth calling ten million times a day just so we can see her. But we will get through, and we will see her, and it’s gonna be fine, I promise. And even if by some crazy chance Katie is mad at us, isn’t it worth it to apologize and make everything okay?

Well yeah. Katie is awesome. I’d do anything for Katie.

Exactly. So everything is going to be fine. We’re going to see Katie. It’s going to be okay. Okay?

Okay. I feel better now.

And then I went back to painting

In fact, when I went back to painting, I was even more pumped up and excited than ever because once that fear had been heard, it completely disappeared. I got excited about the work again, and dived right back in.

But while I wasn’t listening to it, all it did was scream louder and louder in an attempt to be heard. Ignoring it just made it more upset. Turns out, all it wanted was to be listened to and reassured. Then it shut up and I was able to go back to my normal, bouncy, currently-incredibly-cheerful-and-excited self.

Ta da!

To think, 6 weeks ago, this would have thrown me off track for the entire morning. Progress, baby, progress.

Tags: Art, Creativity, fears, listening to hear