I am exceptionally good at freaking myself out.
One morning, I sat down and calculated the cost of my returning to France next year to continue studying. As I’d suspected, it’s around $20,000.
All those zeros still freak me out. And while it’s not that much considering the quality of education I’ll be receiving, it’s still a large sum of money.
My next thought?
OMG WE HAVE TO MAKE SO MUCH MONEY AND BECOME EPIC AND FAMOUS LIKE RIGHTTHISSECOND OR WE WILL NEVER GET ALL OF THIS MONEY.
Alternating hyperventilation and forgetting to breathe entirely ensued, intermingled with ranting at my walls about how I can’t do this and don’t want to and it’s big and scary and waaaaaaaaaaaaa.
I spent a good portion of my morning staring at the floor, trying to come up with promotional ideas, and then immediately discarding them because I was afraid that they wouldn’t work, that no one would want my art and that everything was going to end badly.
As you can see, a highly productive use of my time.
But then a post by the lovely Megan Matthieson wandered into my world. A post that asked if you were willing to be small.
Suddenly, my breathing returned to normal.
My dreams are about coziness, and intimacy, and serving my Exact Right People with the art that I can create. Even if there are only 3 of them. (Although I suspect there may be as many as 10. ;) )
I don’t need to have fanfare and trumpets and confetti and flashing neon signs. That’s not my style. I get to quietly, calmly and happily share my art with the people it’s right for. I don’t need to be super famous and have thousands upon thousands of people following me. I don’t think I’m ready for that anyways.
It comes down to giving myself permission
Permission to do things my way, within my comfort zone. Permission to grow at a rate that is right for me – and more importantly, sustainable. There’s no point in building an empire if I get so overwhelmed it crashes down around my ears.
My little pocket empire is exactly the size it needs to be. I am exactly what I need to be.
It’s when I forget that I am enough, as is, that I open myself up to fear and doubt.
I don’t need to be the next Richard Branson. I don’t need to be uber-famous. I don’t need to do anything, except for be myself, make the art that I make best, write the words that I write best, and keep moving forward, one little step at a time.
Over to you
Do you ever freak out when you feel like you have to grow really big, really quickly? How do you handle it? Have you ever reached a point when it stopped scaring you? Share your experiences in the comments! :)