So my cold has turned itself into a full blown case of laryngitis, as my colds are wont to do. Ironically, I have a media day to attend tomorrow where there will be not only journalists and print publications, but also television stations! And I sound like I’ve been smoking since I was two. Awesome.

I can’t even rest today because Tuesdays are my busiest day of the week – I leave the house at 1pm to get the bus downtown for some therapy, get home at 3:30, leave at 4:45 for yoga, finish yoga at 6:15 and drive to the next city for life drawing until 9:30. And somewhere in there, I need to find time to eat.

It’s a bit hectic to say the least. And of course, as I’m sitting there this morning contemplating my day, I’m fighting it. I’m ranting and raving about how I wish it was different, and how dare my body get sick right before this media day, blah blah blah blah blah.

I’ve talked many, many times about my struggles with myself. I’m in fight mode pretty much constantly. How do we get rid of those unsightly things, like fear and stuck? We fight them, that’s what! It’s a fairly ineffective method of dealing with it actually.

So I thought to myself this morning, what would happen if I stopped fighting?

Then things got freaky

What would happen if I just accepted myself and my life exactly as it was? What if I accepted myself as I am, fear, stuck, laryngitis, jealousy, anger, frustration, and all? What if I just stopped fighting it all?

And then I did.  I accepted it. Just like that. Everything inside me fell silent. The constant internal chattering stopped, and it felt like I was full of space – pale gray and full of light.

It completely freaked me out.

It was beyond unsettling. I didn’t know what to do with myself. What do I think about? What do I do now? If I’ve just accepted everything, then what next? And then I accepted the freaking out as well, and things returned to that still, gray silence.

So this is who I am, I thought. Underneath all of the fighting, all of the struggling, there was…nothing? Space? Light?

I realized something important

I define myself by the struggle. I define myself by the fighting, by the turmoil. If that’s all gone, then who the heck is left? I didn’t like the space. I didn’t like the acceptance. After all of the chaos of my internal life before, this was too quiet. Too empty.

I’m afraid of accepting myself. I’m afraid that without the fighting, there would be no one left. I’m afraid that if I accept myself, then all of my emotions will disappear, and I would be “at peace” but completely numb.

And with those thoughts, the space inside vanished. The voices were back, chattering away, but things had changed somehow. They weren’t as loud, they weren’t as insistent. There was still space, but the space had changed.

Self acceptance isn’t what I thought it was

I felt like myself had disappeared when I stopped fighting it. I found out that I was afraid to accept myself in case the me that I knew and loved disappeared. And that was when I realized that I did love myself, despite all of my crap. Actually, let me rephrase that – I love myself because of all of the crap.

I know that I get scared, I know that I get jealous and frustrated, and I don’t always listen to myself very well, and I’m sometimes loud and I make lame jokes, and sometimes I sulk and don’t communicate especially well and get defensive and wall myself up. I have an inferiority complex for 10 short, balding men, and sometimes I get really nervous. I can be sarcastic and bitter, and at times, I have a pretty twisted sense of humour.

But I’m also genuine and compassionate, and for all my short comings, I try very hard to be a good person and to do the right thing. And most importantly, I have an open, honest dialogue with myself. Sure it’s not a perfect relationship, but we communicate, we talk, and I know I don’t listen as well as I should, but at least I’m aware of the problem.

I will probably never get to a place where I don’t have weird hang ups, and freak out about biggifying, or have irrational fears of drowning. I don’t think I’ll ever become one of those very enlightened people who are one with the Universe, and have dissolved their ego into oneness with all. To be honest, I don’t think I want that.

I think that, for a while, I’m going to practice just being me – struggling, fighting, obstinant, silly old me. And that’s okay too.

(P.S. You still have time to sign up for my Mother’s Day giveaway!)