Reptilian brain, meet life.

I feel as though something needs to radically change in my life.

I think something needs to radically change in my approach to life. Because I am sick and freaking tired of running around in circles, constantly coming back to this feeling.

I’m not doing the things that make me happy. And yet I’m not quite prepared to fully face the reasons I’m doing that.

So I’m in this weird limbo space where I’m kinda cranky, painting a few days a week, and not really making anything even resembling headway.

I’m stuck, like a stick in mud. I feel like I need to break free. To allow myself to fly.

Instead, I’m keeping myself chained to this concrete floor.

Because my lizard brain thinks it’s much safer down here. Miserable, yes, but much much safer. Nothing can get to us down here. We are protected. Sheltered. Suffocating.

And it just doesn’t want me to do anything right now. There’s been a lot of change the past 6 months. It doesn’t like change. And now it’s running around yelling MUTINY! at the top of it’s lungs.

Because the last time there was radical change, it was awful, horrible radical change.

The last time I did what I wanted and aimed for happiness, terrible, painful things happened.

And so my darling lizard-ey brain has dug in its heels and refuses to budge. We are staying down here in the dark, it says, because otherwise you’re going to get hurt.

We are certainly not going to try this flying thing. We are certainly not going to use those wings of yours. And if you think we’re going to go anywhere near happiness, you’ve got another thing coming, missy.

And now we’re both sulking, because I’d really like to fly and the lizard really would like me to shut up and sit down and for heaven’s sake, to stop poking it with a stick.

I’m like a 2 year old – what about now huh? Can we fly now? What about in 5 minutes? Tomorrow? Now? When are you going to change your mind?

And then when it ignores me or yells no, I sit down and sulk.

We’ve been in this strange sort of limbo for a couple months now. Maybe longer. I’m sick of it. It’s time for some negotiations.

Notes on comments

Yep, this is me, working with my stuck. We’ve all got our stuck. I’d love it if you shared yours. And while I don’t mind gentle, compassionate advice, I’d really appreciate it if we could leave the “shoulds” at the door – like you “should” be able to just get over this. Not so helpful. Not so nice. (Not that any of you would say something like that anyways.)

Tags: change, Fear, Happiness, lizard brain