I feel as though something needs to radically change in my life.
I think something needs to radically change in my approach to life. Because I am sick and freaking tired of running around in circles, constantly coming back to this feeling.
I’m not doing the things that make me happy. And yet I’m not quite prepared to fully face the reasons I’m doing that.
So I’m in this weird limbo space where I’m kinda cranky, painting a few days a week, and not really making anything even resembling headway.
I’m stuck, like a stick in mud. I feel like I need to break free. To allow myself to fly.
Instead, I’m keeping myself chained to this concrete floor.
Because my lizard brain thinks it’s much safer down here. Miserable, yes, but much much safer. Nothing can get to us down here. We are protected. Sheltered. Suffocating.
And it just doesn’t want me to do anything right now. There’s been a lot of change the past 6 months. It doesn’t like change. And now it’s running around yelling MUTINY! at the top of it’s lungs.
Because the last time there was radical change, it was awful, horrible radical change.
The last time I did what I wanted and aimed for happiness, terrible, painful things happened.
And so my darling lizard-ey brain has dug in its heels and refuses to budge. We are staying down here in the dark, it says, because otherwise you’re going to get hurt.
We are certainly not going to try this flying thing. We are certainly not going to use those wings of yours. And if you think we’re going to go anywhere near happiness, you’ve got another thing coming, missy.
And now we’re both sulking, because I’d really like to fly and the lizard really would like me to shut up and sit down and for heaven’s sake, to stop poking it with a stick.
I’m like a 2 year old – what about now huh? Can we fly now? What about in 5 minutes? Tomorrow? Now? When are you going to change your mind?
And then when it ignores me or yells no, I sit down and sulk.
We’ve been in this strange sort of limbo for a couple months now. Maybe longer. I’m sick of it. It’s time for some negotiations.
Notes on comments
Yep, this is me, working with my stuck. We’ve all got our stuck. I’d love it if you shared yours. And while I don’t mind gentle, compassionate advice, I’d really appreciate it if we could leave the “shoulds” at the door – like you “should” be able to just get over this. Not so helpful. Not so nice. (Not that any of you would say something like that anyways.)
5 Comments
I so relate with you! I wonder sometimes about the same things you shared here! I try to trust that God will work it all out in time, but I do get impatient with myself. Thank you for sharing your honest feelings and your wonderful word images they spoke volumes to me.
Good day Sarah,
I find myself wondering over to your blog and getting “stuck” reading the many interesting, humour-filled and caring words.
What you should do is…Sorry I couldn’t resist
What I have found when my “stuck” comes along for the hour, day or week (fortunately a week is the maximum play time it gets with me) is to let it get on with “stucking” me.
My life has a perpetual habit of radically changing and I for wone would wish that it became “stuck” for a bit in one place so I could get around to achieving some stuff.
Fortunately, this year I have purchased a large hammer and some six inch nails to “nail” it down to a particular place so I can work on it.
So, some welcome “stuck” others fend it off with a broom, go figure?
.-= Kal´s last blog ..Achieve Your Dreams Workshop =-.
Hi Sarah,
I think you are doing wonderfully. I just watched your video blogs Watching Paint Dry and thought they were brilliant. You have a warm presence with youthful exuberance that is refreshing.
Even in your darkest days, acceptance of the gift you have probably helps drag you back.
Your work is wonderful. Good luck with the move. Happy days are around every corner.
Cheers.
Hi Sarah,
I know exactly what you’re talking about – my lizard brain does the same thing to me all the time – what has worked for me the best is quite simply telling it Fuck off (excuse french, but strong words were necessary). It seems to be slowly getting the message and doesn’t seem to want to intefere as much anymore. When it does pipe up (every day) I just remind myslef that this is what it does, and ignore it, or use the above expression. I’m sure it looks hurt as it slinks away but I steadfastly fail to pay attention to it and am much happer, more relaxed and more productive since I started getting serious with it. Can’t believe I let it fool me for, oh, only about 25 years or so!!!
Two letters, girl. FO. You have flights to fly and happiness to have!
Hmmm, my heart is with you lovely. Sucky and so hard this.
I’m wishing you a moment to realise that this is you, right now and completely perfectly okay in this moment of stuck.
I’m tempted to say take a moment to be stuck and really let it sink in. You’re stuck, so what’s surrounding you that can entertain you whilst you slowly become unstuck? Beautiful scenery? (if you’re stuck in mud for instance – there might be mountains or a stream) or some lovely wildlife – birds, dragonflies etc. Or if you’re stuck in concrete – awe inducing technology and wonderful structures being built up around you?
I’m not sure – that’s definately not a should, simply a suggestion that sometimes the flow of life is to get stuck and once stuck, sometimes it helps to focus on something other until the stuck doesn’t seem so important.
Kinda like distracting a screaming, tantrum throwing two year old with sweeties or a new toy…
Hugs to you xx
.-= Wormy´s last blog ..In Praise of the Negative =-.