Overwhelming sadness this morning. It sits on my chest, like a heaviness over my heart.
Lots of stuff coming out. One shift triggers another, which triggers another. It’s like playing a painful game of dominoes, except my heart is what’s being crushed at the end.
It’s too much. I’m finding it very difficult to face myself. I can’t watch emotional movies or books because I am so terrified of triggering a breakdown. (Pattern.)
I am thisclose.
Overwhelm
It’s too much, too fast. I’m having trouble keeping on top of it to process it. My entire identity, sense of self, everything is breaking down. While this is obviously a good thing, it doesn’t feel good. It feels like I’m going into spin cycle, and that I’m about to fall apart.
I absolutely hate falling apart. (Pattern.)
But it’s coming. Oh, is it ever coming. And I’m really, really scared. The damn is breaking. I’ve got my finger in the hole (pattern), but the pressure’s building. I don’t know what it’s going to break or where or what will trigger it, but I have a feeling that it’s not going to be pretty.
Letting go
Oh joy, letting go. My favourite thing. Note the heavy sarcasm in that statement.
I want to clutch everything to me as tightly as possible, because oh my god, if I don’t everyone will take it away! (Pattern.)
But letting go is exactly what I need to do right now. Or at least, I need to do some allowing, to let things be as they are. Maybe some relaxation, so I’m not wound up quite so tightly.
Except I’m scared to relax. I’m afraid that if I relax, the floodgates will open.
Asking for help
So I suck at asking for help. (Pattern.) I feel like I have to do all of this alone, for reasons that I’m not quite ready to divulge yet.
But it’s hard. It’s really hard. And the hard is making me feel numb. (Pattern.)
That’s enough for today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to face myself again.
2 Comments
HUG! HUG! HUG! Oh hunny – YUK. I feel for you, I really do. So sucky.
I’m going to be a bit controvertial here and suggest you step away a bit. Meet yourself where you are. Let your patterns exist a little before trying to destroy them bazooka like.
The whole comfort zone thingy – being there for your comfort etc – give yourself some – comfort I mean. It *is* too much and we’re always going to be processing, there’s no rush.
It’s okay to just have a rest. I promise
And ask someone to just hold you, for several hours. Or for as long as you can bear.
Until there’s something there to take the place of the patterns (and this can take a long time), you don’t need to punish yourself for having those patterns. You are beautiful, magnificient and marvelous exactly as you are. Seriously – EXACTLY as you are.
Alternatively, break down, maybe you need a few days of snot and tears and cleansing. Either way, it’s okay. Big time okay. xoxo
Wormy’s last blog post..Taking Centre Stage
I’m here for you. And I agree with wormy. You don’t have to let it all go at once. Hell, what are you going to do when you’re 40 if you sort all this stuff out before you even turn 21
Hugs.
JoVE’s last blog post..If I knew then… #2: Publishing in the wrong places