Before I get right into doing some positivity fridays stuff, I’d like to explain why I didn’t post yesterday, on that bright, shiny new day of the new year, which would have probably been a really deep post about how optimistic I was, and how I am so excited about this new year and this new day, and how I’m going to change my whole life.

Unfortunately though, I was too busy cleaning up puke.

Really, you gotta love the Universe. It has a wicked sense of humour.

I spent the entire day of December 31st talking about how amazing 2009 is going to be. And how harmonious and just full of non-suck it was going to be.

Well clearly, the Universe had other plans.

It decided that my darling boyfriend was going to have a bad reaction to something.

At first, I thought it was the 3 year old absinthe someone had tricked him into trying. Maybe it didn’t agree with him, ya know? (Uhh, like 3 year old absinthe would agree with anybody.) But when the poor soul was still throwing up 18 hours after he’d had it, we figured that it had to be something else. We have no idea what – maybe it’s food poisoning, maybe it’s an allergic reaction to an ingredient.

All I know is that I’m not going to be eating lasagna again for a long, long time.

So I spent the early hours of 2009 cleaning puke up from my bedroom floor. (Which I did lovingly and happily. I am in no way resentful of having to do this – he was so sick, it was kind of the least I could do. He was so sick, he spent the night on the floor, because he couldn’t bear to be moved onto the bed. Can we all send him some love and healing please?)

Also, I came down with laryngitis.

And really, you kind of have to laugh. It’s just so ironic, after all the fuss I made.

Alright, I’m done complaining, – let’s get on to the good things that happened this week!

Awesome thing #1 - I had a complete freaking meltdown on Monday night. This isn’t the good thing. I hate feeling like this, but I’ve been feeling like this a lot lately. I’m like a bunch of raw nerves, exposed, vulnerable. All of my stuck, all of my patterns, all of my hurt are sitting in the surface, waiting in line to be dealt with.

But they’re also waiting in line to be triggered. And everything seems to trigger them.

I’ve been thinking about it, and what seems to happen is this – I spend all day, running around, being busy, and distracting myself. The second I stop, start to enjoy myself and relax, all of that hurt comes rushing back up to the surface, like a cork in water, and then bobs around in my head, jumping up and down and going, “Can you talk to me now please?!?”

It all just wants to be listened to. It wants to be heard. It wants me to acknowledge its pain. Which I’m getting better at.

But the really good thing was that, even if I’m freaking out, and making poor Jesse frustrated with me, because he has no idea what’s going on, and I went from laughing about something stupid to bawling my eyes out, I finally realized that he still loves me. And he will hold me, if I let my vulnerability show, instead of pushing him away, which is what I’m insanely good at. I could do it for Canada, trust me.

And I think on Monday, it finally sunk in that yes, I can let him in, and no, he won’t see my vulnerability and run away, after using it against me to destroy me. (Much akin to the last one…)

So all in all, this is a good thing.

Awesome Thing #2 – Seeing old friends again and a lot. I spent the whole day on Tuesday with various friends, and I loved it. I miss doing that, because they’re all usually away at school, or incredibly busy with school, so it was nice to just spend the day hanging with old, wonderful friends.

And New Year’s Eve, I went to a party with Jesse at another old friend’s house and saw tons of people I haven’t seen in a couple years, and it was just lovely. I have lots of new friends on the internet whom I adore, but it’s always great to see the tried and true old ones as well. I love you guys and miss you tons.

Awesome Thing #3 - I read “Eat Pray Love” at the recommendation of the lovely Kate. I am in love with this book. It made me feel so much better about my life in general. It was so inspiring and beautiful and honest and authentic and just..ahh, amazing. I loved it. So much.

It made my week. You should go get yourself a copy, and read it. Right now. It’s healing, promise.

Awesome Thing #4 – I think I’m back on talking terms with my easel. And I’m slightly less afraid of being alone with myself, because I don’t think that the pain is going to overwhelm me anymore. It seems to be leveling itself out into manageable chunks, which is excellent.

I’m learning to play at my art again as well. I’d lost the play aspect, which is so vital. Without play, you don’t experiment or try new things, or use new colors and different techniques. I got given a pad of paper you can paint on with acrylics yesterday, and I’m looking forward to using it to paint things that never have to be seen – to let loose, to experiment and play. I never, ever do that, and my inner creative is craving it.

So I’m going to inject a little more fun into my life. I think it’ll do me some good.

Awesome Thing #5 – After feeling completely overwhelmed on Monday, along with half the rest of the world it seemed, I made myself a list of things that I wanted to do, with no deadline. And I broke everything down into bite sized chunks that I could really control and get my teeth into, and feel like I’d accomplished something.

I felt so much better, and still do. Every time I’m not sure what to do next, I can just turn to the list, and pick what I feel like doing. There’s no deadline, to remove the idea of pressure (I usually work faster without a deadline anyways) and it’s all about having fun with the things that I want to do.

I might even get really crazy, and treat myself after I’ve accomplished something! That’s a revolutionary concept if I’ve ever heard one.

Right now though, I cannot wait for next week to start. School and work will resume for most of the rest of my family, which means that my house will be quiet again. Also, with everyone going back to school, there will be no more late nights, and my regular schedule will resume.I never realized how comforting my usual schedule was until it was completely annihilated by Christmas and New Years.

Also, my therapist gets back from her Christmas vacation. And I really, really need to see her. I need a dose of that calmness and peace that comes from seeing her.

Ahh, normal life, please come back now. I miss you.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, and I will see you all next week!