One thing I’ve noticed now that I’m painting and drawing again is that I’ve got some hardcore performance anxiety going on.

The beginning goes really well. I’m all, “Man I am so good! Look at that line! Isn’t that a sexy line? That line is so perfect. God. I love lines.”

I’m confident, brave, enthusiastic. And then around the middle of the piece, something changes.

“Oh my god, what is that? What is that?! What is that lump? How did that end up so small? Why is that bit so huge? Why do I suck so much?!?”

I can usually save the drawing by the end, but I am so nervous for the rest of the piece that it’s almost laughable.

“Omg, people are going to think I’m a failure. Who am I kidding that I’m any good? I’m no good. I suck. Waaaaaaaaaaa.”

It’s kind of why I stopped painting to begin with.

It was this overwhelming sense of “What’s the point? I’ve already failed” that corked my creativity. It’s really hard to let go, be in the moment and relish your creativity when all you can think about is “Will this sell?” or “What will they think of me when they see this?”

I think that part of it is just one of the pitfalls of creativity – when you create something, you pour yourself into, and it’s always you at your most vulnerable. There’s no lying in art, only truth, no matter how much you try to disguise it.

So when you put it on display, it’s rather like stripping naked and running down the main street of your city – you’re feeling a little exposed. Combine that feeling of exposure with a ton of harsh criticism and suddenly art school statistics make sense – 90% of art school grads never go on to be artists.

It also explains why I got stopped up.

I’ve managed to fix half the problem

The whole “OMG NO ONE IS EVER GOING TO BUY THIS!!” problem was actually very easily fixed – I’ve now got a sign sitting next to my easel that says “Just for me!” And whenever I feel the anxiety coming on, I tell myself that it doesn’t have to sell, that it’s just for me, and if no one likes it, then tough poo. I don’t care. It’s mine.

And usually, that stops the panic in its tracks – oh, we don’t have to sell this? Okay, nevermind. I’ll go away then.

But what about that other monster of creativity? You know the one I’m talking about. Don’t pretend you don’t have it. I’ll know you’re lying.

The “But am I good enough?” Monster

Last night I went to a life drawing class with an artist whom I very, very, very much admire.

Now this artist is also the nicest guy in the world, so it’s got nothing to do with him. He’s always very encouraging of my work, and thinks I’m great.

But oh my goodness, I was so nervous. I think I’m so used to creating in my studio away from the world that creating in front of other artists apparently now sends me into a panic. It never used to bother me, but apparently that monster has taken up residence in my living room. Fabulous.

So how do you deal with the performance anxiety monster? How do you get him to shut up long enough to get some work done?

Sometimes I feed him cookies. He likes cookies. Sometimes I give him a hug.

Sometimes I push past him. Sometimes I yell at him. Those ones don’t work so well though. They usually just make him yell louder. And he’s already pretty damn loud.

Mostly, I try to hear him and understand him. He’s scared, and I get that. I’m scared a lot too. He doesn’t want anyone to think we’re crap. He really just wants to keep me safe from people saying horrible things and hurting my feelings. Which makes sense – I don’t want anyone saying awful things to me either.

But as much as I feel for my monster and his anxiety, I can’t let him stop me from painting, even if I do suck. (Which I’m pretty sure I don’t, but one never knows for sure.)

The only way I’ll ever improve, and maybe, just maybe, get over my performance anxiety is by just doing it (thank you, Nike). Doing it again and again and again. Until one day, I don’t care if I’m good or not, I’ll just be doing it for the sheer joy of expression.

p.s. Today I’m sending out the emails for the Secret Sale of Secret Stuff to my mailing list, becuase they’re My Favourite People and they get first dibs. If you’re not on that list, you’re probably a rotten egg. I’m really sorry about that.