Last Friday I was all “Rah rah rah! I’m ready to leave the cave and tackle life head on!”

Today, I’m all “Good god, where’s the duvet and the cookies?!”

Progress – I wish it was a straight line

Time and time again, I am reminded by life that no, progress is not a straight line. And no matter how much I want it to be a straight line, it won’t be.

Sunday was just abysmal as far as days go. Yesterday was okay, but in terms of feeling capable of working? Not so much. (Although I did send 3 emails I’d been avoiding! Go me!) Today, my head hurts, my body is tired and I just do no feel capable of doing anything.

Grumble, grumble, grumble. I’m less than impressed with it to be honest.

Patience – I have none

Oh, patience for other people I’ve got by the truckload. The nice salesman at Leon’s who accidentally sold my new bed to another couple? Yep, tons of patience (even though I’ve been sleeping on the floor for 6 weeks.)

Patience for my body’s need to recover? Ehh, not so much. I just wanna feel better already dammit! (cue in toddler temper tantrum right about….now.)

There are lots of things to do and places to be and dammit, I’m supposed to have my life together by now!

Yeah. No pressure right? Just sort my entire life out in the blink of an eye. Remember my realization that I will never be the supermodel version of Martha Stewart? Just because I know I’ll never be her, doesn’t mean that a part of me isn’t still trying like crazy.

Meeting myself where I am

I am so bad at this, it’s almost laughable. No really – tears-falling-down-my-face-holding-my-belly laughable.

Because I almost never meet myself where I am. I usually see where I am and then yell at myself for it. Loving, I know.

I think (and I’m feeling my way through this as I write, so patience please) it’s because I believe that wherever I am is probably the wrong place. And it seems that I’m right back to my deep, inner belief that everything about me is wrong.

Hey there, Belief. I’d say it’s been a while, but that would be a lie. It’s been since Sunday. That would be the last time that you got triggered and freaked out on me which caused me to freak out and have a thoroughly miserable day.

Sigh. This is one belief that I am truly sick and tired of encountering. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, that belief shows up and pooh-poohs all over it. And until I can get that voice to shut the hell up quiet down a bit, I’m never really going to make any kind of progress towards creating the life that I really want.

My Noticing Commitment

I’m going to really start noticing this pattern. I’m going to commit, right here and now, to noticing when this comes up. I don’t know if I can do anything about it yet, but what I need to do is enter into an intentional relationship with it. Pay it some attention. See what triggers it the most. Maybe even keep a log of when it comes up, why, what it does, what it says.

I’ll see what it’s doing. Play some detective. And then perhaps I’ll be able to find its weak spot, the place where I can shift it, nudge it slightly, create some space. Because I’m sick and tired of breathing down my neck all the time.

I’ll keep you posted. Wish me luck.