So it’s Monday morning (again) and the first Monday of my “I’m not going to do anything I damn well don’t want to” month.

I’m a little bit annoyed because I had to miss yoga this morning to go to the doctors. Sad. But on a much brighter note, my father went back to work and my sister went back to school after exams, and the house is quiet. Silent. Peaceful.

I’ve got Sister Wendy on in the background, her passion and love of art soothing me and my slightly frustrated soul.

But never mind that. This morning, we’re going to play pretend. I’m in the mood to plan out my perfect studio. I have simple needs, and don’t want much space – I only yearn for organization, and a simpler, cleaner set up.

First up – I want a new easel. So badly. My current one falls over so often, I’ve nearly ruined several paintings. I’m currently working on a table top easel, which is more steady, but again limits my movement. I also have so much furniture in my room that I can’t really get to my easel – I have to reach across to it. It’s basically impossible, and I’ve taken to working at my desk and on the floor.

But this, this is my dream easel:

This easel gets me all excited and jittery. All my inner artist can think of is, “Oh my god! We can paint big canvasses! Woohoo!”

It’s only $149, plus tax, so…wait a second…$168.37 in total. Considering so many easels are thousands of dollars, this seems like a pretty sweet deal to me. It’s just so pretty. (Yes, I think easels are pretty.)

The other thing I’ll need as well is a surface to store all my stuff on. Again, I know exactly what I want:

I kid you not, the kitchen cart is going to cost more than the easel – it’s $169, but there’s a smaller one for $59 that I could make do with!

And then there’s these adorable little buckets:

I could keep all of my paintbrushes and paint tubes in here – at Ikea they had them hooked onto a railing, and I could put it up next to my easel and my little cart and oh, happiness and joy would reign supreme! And they’re only 99 cents each, so I could get a bunch in every colour! It would inspire me every day. I would be excited to go paint in this little set up. I wouldn’t need a lot of room, but I’d be so much more organized.

Sigh. Which brings me to my never ending problem – I don’t have the money to do any of this. And I’m really starting to get frustrated with myself at this point.

I noticed today that I actually run away from anything that might make me money. I see it, and deliberately walk in the other direction. How ridiculous is that? Incredibly ridiculous!

I’m reaching a point where my brave, strong side is saying, “Okay, enough is enough. I’ve let you sit there and be scared for a while, let’s start promoting and getting out there.”

It’s like there’s two sides of me – one that’s absolutely terrified of everything and hopes no one notices her, and the one who wants to wear leather pants, stilettos, red lipstick and conquer the world.

It’s tough negotiating the two of them. They don’t really see eye to eye.

I’m thinking about getting into more freelance web design. I’m doing a website for a client right now, and I’m actually rather enjoying it. To me, it just seems like another way to be creative and to make things, and I’ve never had issues working on commission – as long as I’m making something, I’m not too fussed as to what it is. To me, it’s all art, and it’s all fun (even if I’m changing things 5 billion times a day).

I also thought about freelance illustration, for those who wanted work that was more traditional, like mine. Well, I went on iFreelance.com today, just for kicks, and there’s someone who’s looking for someone to paint 3-5 traditional style paintings for adventure travel posters.

And you know what my big fear is about bidding? Oh my god, what if I get it?

What if I get work? What if someone actually wants to hire me? What if they love my work and suddenly I have to do it? What if I get it all wrong?

What if I put myself out there, and everybody loves me and wants my work?

I don’t know why, but for some reason, this terrifies me.

And I never even realized it until just now.

I have no idea what to do about it. Umm…thoughts? Ideas? Advice? An explanation of some kind?

Well this was fun. Here I was, thinking that today’s post was going to be all fun and games!

On a quickie note, other people expressed interest in donating to my “Buy a New Easel So I Don’t Commit Horrible Murder” fund, so here’s a Donate button, in case you’re interested. I hate thinking of it as donations, but maybe investing? That makes me feel better.