Mmmm. I’m feeling very…lazy today.

Relaxed. Calm. Still.

I’ve been super tired the past few days. Since Monday really. I’ll just be absolutely exhausted by 3 pm, and then I get all frustrated with myself, because hey, I can’t work a 13 hour day if I’m tired. I was fighting it, big time.

But then this morning, I decided to listen to my body, instead of just ignoring it like usual.

And it said, can we please rest? Can we please slow down for a few days?

Oh, body, I am so sorry. I’ve been pushing you really hard, and sometimes you need a break don’t you? Every time I ask myself what I need, the same answers show up instantly – rest and healing.

This is a continuation of my decision last week to start taking care of my inside first. It’s surprising how hard of a shift that is to make – to really start listening to yourself again. To hear things for what they are, to see situations exactly as they stand.

So it begs the question, where am I now?

Honestly? You’d be surprised how hard of a question that is for me to answer.

Right now, I’m not in great shape. My body is exhausted. My mind is exhausted. My soul is exhausted. I’m going through a healing process that I often don’t acknowledge as much as I should. I’ve torn the band aid off, but now I’m trying to pretend that there isn’t a oozing, weeping wound underneath.

If I’m completely honest, my heart aches. I’m often impatient, angry,  frustrated, drowning under the impossible sense of pressure that I put on myself. Lots and lots of “shoulds” (which as James the Dancing Geek once said to me, “shoulds should be banned!” I completely agree). I’m prone to bursting into tears over random crap. I can’t watch anything emotional without bawling my eyes out.

I’m a bit of a wreck, if I’m entirely honest with myself. Which I very rarely am, so being this honest about my current state in public, is rather a large step for me.

So yeah. I’m a mess right now.

What next?

What do I need? If where I am right now isn’t great, what steps do I take now to help that?

The answers come back, fast as lightning. They’ve been lurking under the surface for a while now, waiting for their opportune moment.

Rest! they yell. Time for yourself! No pressure, no nothing. Lots of walking, meditation, and yoga. Reading in the sun. Naps. Drawing, doodling, painting.

Can we sit in the sun and draw daffodils? they ask. Can we nap in the sun?

They demand tea and shortbread cookies. Yoga in a sunbeam. Sitting silently in the shade and listening to the birds. Picnics. Sitting under large oak trees.

And oddly enough, they demand prayer. They demand a dialogue between myself, and something larger. A sense of spirituality. They ask me for surrender. They ask me to let go. They ask me to give up control.

They yearn for a life that is slower, deeper, gentler.

And instead of being annoyed at this, and frustrated, I’m surprised to find that this all sounds rather heavenly. In fact, it sounds like my perfect life.

So why aren’t I living it?

If this all sounds so perfect, why aren’t I living like that?

It’s all well and good to give the excuse “Well this is real life baby, and real life isn’t about yoga and meditation and drawing daffodils in the sun. It’s about hard work, and struggle, and punishing yourself. Life’s shit and then you die.”

But maybe we just tell ourselves that instead of taking responsibility for the life we’d really love to have.

I mean, I’m young, with very few obligations except for the ones to myself. I have no children to support, no elderly parents to care for. So why don’t I live my life that way?

And here, we reach the crux of the matter, and the reason why my inner voices demanded prayer and connection. I don’t trust that if I decided to take care of myself completely, that the Universe wouldn’t just dump me flat on my ass.

I don’t trust that if I decided to really take care of myself, that I wouldn’t end up completely broke and a total failure. I’m not sure if I could surrender like that, even though I yearn to at the same time.

In the meantime, I will start to slow down my days, and rest my body properly. Maybe I’ll find the answer I’m looking for somewhere in that sunbeam I’m eyeing up.

Or maybe I’ll just learn how to live within the questions.