Today, I am delightfully happy.

In fact, more than delightfully happy, and more importantly, I am hopeful.

Yesterday, I admit, I was absolutely miserable. Somehow I wrote a happy post anyways, but my allergies were awful and I’d had a less than happy conversation with someone close to me.

But today – oh today, I am glorious. I want to dance and skip and laugh loudly and throw snowballs and do cartwheels.

Today, my heart is filled with joy. Just filled, over the top, bursting and bubbling and giggling loudly.

I think that today calls for some Prince. Maybe some Billy Idol. Definitely Chilli Peppers. And some Matt Good “White Light Rock and Roll Review.” (You probably only know that one if you’re Canadian and about 27.)

I think I’m falling in love.

I talked yesterday about my own wall of shame. That wall of shame was seriously causing problems in my relationship with Jesse. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t able to let myself fall completely in love with him. It was always like half of me was running towards him and the other half was running away.

I thought there was something wrong with us. I kept worrying that it was my inner guidance warning me that this was wrong. I was plagued for years (literally) with worry.

On Sunday though, I realized that it was shame and fear that were dragging me away. It was the part of me that was so thoroughly ashamed of having loved and been hurt before that it was just desperately running in the opposite direction.

She was running away, dragging me and crying, “No, no, no. We can’t go there, we just can’t. It’ll hurt again. It’ll hurt so bad.”

This morning, I talked to her.

Me: “Oh sweetie. I totally understand why you’re scared. I know that you’re expecting to turn around and see this scary, horrible world, filled with terrifying images, pain and instruments of torture, sadness and hurt, like some horrid Heironymous Bosch painting.

But sweetie, what you can’t see when you’re running away is that it’s beautiful here. It’s a place of growth and happiness, where life is flourishing and thriving. There are plants and flowers, rose bushes galore, and willow trees everywhere. There are ponds full of koi and swans swimming everywhere. And up on that hill is a beautiful, elegant, castle that is watching over everything, stable and magnificent. It’s safe here, if only you could see it.”

Shame: “Really?”

Me:”Really, really. Are you willing to take just a tiny, tiny, itsy bitsy little peek?”

Shame: “Yeah, okay. A tiny little peek” (Peeks over shoulder.) “Oh! It is beautiful. It does look pretty safe.” (she says, doubting a little bit.) “Can I look again?”

Me: “Of course you can!”

Shame: “It is very pretty. And it does look fairly safe. I can’t see anything really, really wrong with it.”

Me: “Do you think you could come hang out here for a while? Maybe try it out, temporarily? If you really hate it, we’ll leave, I promise. We’ll go straight away. But I think you should give it a shot.”

Shame: “Promise we’ll leave if it’s horrible?”

Me: ” Promise.”

And then it was like my entire body stopped fighting and struggling and relaxed. And this sweet, steady happiness filled me up. For the first time in over 2 years, I am allowing myself to fall in love without any shame or fear to hold me back. For the first time, it feels right too.

I am so happy, I could cry. And dance. And skip in puddles. It’s just the most beautiful feeling in the world.

And what makes it so much sweeter is this was the last frontier – this was the last obstacle, the last pain, left behind from the emotionally abusive ex. It was probably the biggest too. But now it’s gone, and only the sweetness of love is left in it’s place.

I never even thought I’d be in this place again. I never thought that I could heal, that I could completely walk away from the damage he caused. I am intensely grateful right now. Intensely.

I think I’m going to go paint. And spread the love. And laugh and smile and giggle. And then paint some more. And send hugs to the world!

I am healed! Hear me roar.