So yesterday, as you can all see, was not exactly a brilliant day.

But it did force me to make some choices. I felt so stuck, mired in all the exhaustion and shame and sadness, that I couldn’t really see clearly.

So I took a leap of faith. I think I had reached a point internally where I either leaped or plummeted.

So I leaped.

I emailed Naomi at IttyBiz, and told her my situation – I am dirt broke, between a rock and a hard place and I need to be outta my house within 6 months, or I’m going to implode.

And because she’s Naomi and absolutely wonderful, she helped me out. So I’ve signed up for Marketing School 101 and I’ve got one hours coaching time, where we are gonna sit and storm brains and come up with a “Get Me The Hell Outta Here” Plan.

I felt tons better after doing that, despite all the ‘Oh my god, I spent money!” pangs afterwards. But it felt like such a right thing to do that today, I’m okay with it. I feel good about it.

In fact, I’m feeling downright hopeful.

And I also realized yesterday that if I’m feeling all this sticky-stuck then I really need to start taking better care of myself. So this morning, I meditated, did some yoga, and wrote my morning pages and felt decidedly more peaceful after wards. Centered, calm, and able to take on the day.

And I had the most interesting conversation with my morning pages.

I would say that I had a conversation with the Universe/God/Whatever, but that sounds pretentious and like I think I’m Joan of Arc or something. I don’t. I’ll just call it a conversation with a smarter, wiser, more intelligent part of myself.

I was worrying about money (shocking, I know), and about how I felt like if I asked for more than a certain amount, this big, scary, stern God/Father figure would glare at me and say, “No!” in a booming voice. Like I was being told off by something inside of me for even asking for more than just enough. It made me feel like a child, wanting a new Barbie Doll and being told, “No, you’re being greedy. You’ve got enough. You don’t need anymore.”

But then I started wondering, what if this God/Father Figure/Universe thingy actually liked me? What if I’d gotten it wrong, and the world wasn’t like that at all? And that maybe, just maybe, this entity-thingy might even actually be on my side?

So I thought to myself, “Hey, why don’t I just ask it?”

Apparently the world has a sense of humour

Me: Hey, uhh…Universe/God thingy? Do you actually like me?
Voice: Yep.
Me: Do you actually want good things to happen to me?
Voice: Yep.
Me: Are you actually kind and nice and friendly?
Voice: Yep.
Me: I don’t believe you. Universe/God wouldn’t say things like “Yep.” I’m just talking to myself.
Voice: No, you’re not.
Me: The Universe/God is supposed to be all dignified and grand and all powerful. It wouldn’t say something like “Yep.”
Voice: Pffft, says who? I show up in the way that’s best for the person to take me seriously. Aren’t you more likely to listen to the voice that sounds like a friend, and is kind and has a sense of humour, than some big, scary, booming voice?
Me: Wait, you’ve got a sense of humour?
Voice: (Rolls eyes) Yes, I have a sense of humour. I made humans didn’t I?
Me: Oh. Fair point. I guess I just expected you to be more like my grandfather. All stern and booming and powerful.
Voice: Nope, I’m pretty friendly. In fact, I’m very friendly. I just want to help.

I had to kind of sit and process this for a while. It took me some time to wrap my head around it.

Everything will probably be okay

Me: So am I going to leave and move to my apartment by the sea? Will I have enough money? Is everything going to be okay?
Voice: No problem. You just gotta stop worrying about it. Your businesses will be thriving by the time you leave. And you’ll be happy and thriving too. It’s not half as scary as you think it is.

This needed some more processing – the idea that everything was going to turn out alright, and not completely blow up in my face.

The world is now actually scolding me

Me: I used to hate you. I was so mad that made me sick. Why did you make me sick?
Voice: Was there a better way to slow you down and get your attention, Speedy?
Me: Oh. I guess you have a good point there. But why did you want to get my attention?
Voice: Dance? Seriously? You thought you were gonna be a dancer? You knew, in your heart of hearts, that dance was wrong for you. True, you were good at it but not because it was right. Your old teachers were so determined that you be the next greatest thing that the only way to get you out was to stop you from dancing altogether.

And even then, they still wanted you to keep dancing. Art is what you were put here for. I had to get you to come back to that somehow. Speaking of which, you should probably get on that.
Me: Are you scolding me?
Voice: I’m just pointing out what you were put on this planet to do and that you’re doing an excellent job of avoiding it.
Me: Okay, I know, I know. But I’m just really worried about the money and leaving and just everything.
Voice: Yes, don’t worry, I have noticed. You keep asking for help and then either ignoring the help sent or spending so much time worrying that you don’t even notice the help that was coming to you. You just keep blocking it.

Relax!

If you just start taking tiny, daily steps towards your dream – you don’t need an elaborate plan – just tiny steps, actions every day in the direction of what you want, everything is going to work out just fine.
Me: But what’s the next step? What’s the right thing to do?
Voice: There is no “right thing”. Just do something! Anything! Whatever! I don’t care! Just get some movement going on and everything’s going to be alright.

And for pete’s sake, can you please just stop worrying? Everything is going to be fine.
Me: Promise?
Voice: Promise.

And that was it.

Over, done. My pages were finished, and the voice stopped talking. But that sense of reassurance, of hope and of protection are still here.

That feeling of, everything is going to be okay. I’m going to be okay. I don’t have to have all the answers. I just have to keep heading in the direction of my dreams.

It’s a good feeling.