I'm not quite sure what to do about this.

I saw some old friends from high school last night. It was weird. I felt so out of place. I had no university stories to tell, of drunken escapades, and crazy teachers.

I think the weirdest part though, and Havi talked about this the other day, except she was dealing with in-laws, was feeling the identity disconnect. During the rest of the year, when I’m at home working, I see myself in a certain way – someone learning about business, surrounded by business friends, with a whole community of support around me, and someone that maybe others turn to for advice. Someone with skills and capabilities and all that fun junk.

But then you hang out with people who you haven’t seen in two years. And they still think that I’m this person they used to go to school with – a girl whose sick, with no options, and who has no intentions of going to university, and is apparently going to go do this “painting” thing.

They have no idea what you know, and what you’ve learned and the skills that you have. And to them, getting paid $20/hour to do a job you hate is pretty awesome. And that I’m a nutcase for not wanting that. When I pointed out that there were much more exciting and interesting ways to make money than do something you hate, they pointed out that I had none of the skills to do those things.

And I thought to myself, “Yes I do dammit! I know stuff!”

It made me realize how much I do know. Rather than making me feel small, as the comment was intended to do, it actually gave me a confidence boost. Because it dawned on me that I do know things, and I do have talents and capabilities that maybe right now, I’m just too scared to use.

So this morning, I decided that from now on, I was going to believe in myself. I was going to start giving myself some credit, and start having some confidence in my own skills and abilities.

Well the force of the emotional backlash of that was quite frankly terrifying.

“NO!” my mind screamed.

“No, we are not believing in ourselves. No, we are not creating great things for us. No, no, no, no, no. We can’t.”

The reaction was almost visceral. And it hurt. There was so much pain surrounding those no’s.

So I started talking to that pain. I wanted to know what was hurting so much that the thought of believing in myself and having the confidence to go out and create a wonderful life was so horrifyingly painful.

And the pain replied loud and clear.

“If we go out and create good things in our life, it’ll only get taken away. We can’t have good stuff, ’cause if we have good stuff, it will only get taken away.”

I recognized the voice immediately – it was the little girl who lives inside of me still; that little 12 year old who is still grieving that she got sick. The girl who thinks that the Universe hates her, because the Universe let her get sick. The Universe took away all of the things that made her happy. It made her tired, and made everything hurt, and made school hard, and made her friends shun her. It made her lonely, with no one to talk to. It ruined everything.

And immediately, I wanted to heal that pain. I wanted to show her that getting sick was really a good thing, and that now we can help people and help others heal their pain, and that’s a good thing!

She’s not listening. She doesn’t want her pain healed. She can’t hear happiness or hope. She wants that pain. She needs that pain. Pain is the only thing that’s constant in her life. The rest of her life is going to shit and all of the things she loves are leaving, and she doesn’t know who she is anymore. So she is pain. It’s all she has. And I can’t take that away from her.

I think that the only thing I can do is listen to her pain. Acknowledge it, let her talk about it. Make sure she feels heard.

And even though I know that she sabotages everything, I can’t do anything about it right now. She doesn’t want anything to be totally happy, she doesn’t want anything to be really successful, because if that happens, the Universe will take it all away. She just wants everything to stay safe and known, even if it sucks. Actually, if it sucks, that’s even better, because then it won’t get taken away.

I want to hug her and fix her, but she wants none of it. She’s safe the way she is.

I’m not really sure what to do to be honest. She does not want to be healed. How do you get around that? How do you stop that from ruining the rest of your life, and all of your plans? Right now, I can’t. She wants no good things. She wants all of it to go away. She wants to stay safe.

It’s a dilemma. A painful one. I’m desperate to grow and stretch my wings, and try new things and expand my comfort zone. And she is bound and determined that I stay right here,  stay very still and don’t go off and do anything crazy, like be happy.

I’m at a bit of a loss to be honest. My hands feel tied. I feel torn inside. Like inside of me is just one great big ball of conflicting interests. I’m feeling pretty confused. And helpless. And afraid that maybe I’ll never figure this out, and never get where I really want to go.

Tags: biggifying, confidence, Emotional healing, emotional trauma, expansion, healing inner pain, pain