I woke up this morning absolutely fed up.
For the past 3 years, I’ve been reading self help books and books on personal development, and books on abundance and the Law of Attraction and spirituality and god only knows what else. I’ve listened to courses, I’ve read blog posts, I’ve gone to webinars.
I’ve done/tried/read/heard everything.
And there’s this implication that if you do all these things, then one day, you’re going to wake up and your life is going to be perfect. For three years, I’ve been wandering around trying to “fix myself” so that I can have this perfect life.
What I really wanted was to erase my imperfections and build myself a bubble, where nothing could get to me, nothing could hurt me anymore. If I was perfect, then everything would be better and I’d stop hurting others, hurting myself and just generally being a disappointment to society.
I wanted to get rid of me
I wanted to become someone else, this someone else who had a perfect life, a perfect body, a perfect face, and perfect emotions. She ran her life efficiently, she was always happy, and she was never mad and no one was ever mad at her.
It was pretty much supposed to be like an episode of Leave It To Beaver. Or maybe I’d become a Stepford Wife. Not too sure on the specifics really, but all I know is that everything was perfect.
Here’s the flaw with that plan – life is essentially really screwed up. While I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, sometimes the Universe picks some pretty wacky methods. Some pretty insane, deranged, maybe even cruel methods.
And I’m pretty damn tired of feeling like if I just became somebody else, if I was just more like I was supposed to be, then everything would be fine.
I just needed to be more enlightened, more aware, more positive, less angry, less frustrated, less insane, less paranoid, less afraid. I need to worry less, let go of this, love myself more, become more perfect, be less neurotic, fight this fear, drop this core story, be in the moment. Do this, do that. I need to face my fears, and fight my demons and struggle against the injustices of the world. I need to get rid of my pettiness, and become one with the Universe. And if I do all of these things, then ta da! Life will become blissfully perfect.
Oh fuck you.
No it bloody well won’t. Besides, if you spent your whole life trying to do all these things, and finally did manage to accomplish every single one and become the epitome of perfection, you’d probably drop dead ten seconds later anyways.
Let’s face it – I’m probably always going to be messed up
I will probably never get over my irrational fear of drowning or my equally irrational fear of falling. Or my fear of spiders and other things with more than 6 legs.
I will probably always swear like a sailor, and get mad and frustrated, and cry at the weirdest times, and be terrified of everyone leaving me, and hating me.
I’m tired of fighting myself. I’m tired of feeling like I need to be somebody else to have the life I want. I’m tired of feeling like if I just do everything right, then life will be perfect.
Let’s face it – life will probably blow up in my face at least once a week and always will. That’s life. It’s here to mess you up. Sometimes I think that’s the whole point – life is one big competition to see who can be the most paranoid and neurotic by the end. (Oooh, do I know some good candidates for that one.)
Or maybe we’re just supposed to get over the fact that life is messed up and enjoy it anyways.
I am me. I am always going to be me. I can’t change that. I can’t erase that. But I can accept it. I can recognize myself for who I am. Maybe this is called self acceptance, I’m not sure. All I know is that I’m tired of waiting around for that “thing”, the thing that will change everything, fix everything. If that one “thing” happens then everything else will be fine.
That moment is a myth, it doesn’t exist. Let’s face it – we’re all pretty messed up. We might as well get comfortable, break out the popcorn, sit back and enjoy the ride.
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On May 21st, I'm going on a quest. A quest for art, for meaning, for beauty, for truth. I'm picking up my life, packing up a suitcase and heading to rural France to live, paint and study art for the next 18 months.
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(I am me. I am always going to be me. I can’t change that. I can’t erase that. But I can accept it. I can recognize myself for who I am. Maybe this is called self acceptance, I’m not sure. All I know is that I’m tired of waiting around for that “thing”, the thing that will change everything, fix everything. If that one “thing” happens then everything else will be fine.)
Yes it is self acceptance.the only thing that is going to change anything is You and your attitude on life. yes messing up is all apart of life. things are going to mess up from time to time, but its how we deal with what comes our way. its how we grow and learn. when you fall down, you get back up! thanks for sharing your post!
Natalie’s last blog post..Summertime collection 15% off top picks from Onlineshoes
Nice Post.
I find that it’s always amazing when one comes to understand one’s self and finally understands that you need to be happy with yourself first. As you are in the moment. Then if you want to improve, go right a head and do so.
I have probably done the same things that you have ( as a matter of fact, I have done the same things that you have ) and in some ways I am still messed up. I strive for certain changes to better my health and life all around, but I also won’t mind sitting on my back deck, on a cool summer nite and share some popcorn with you, all along enjoying the ride ….together:)
Lew
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Beautiful, just beautiful. Absolutely, prefectly, beautiful.
This is the most “enlightened” thing I have ever read, anywhere, anytime. I’ve been moving towards this feeling for some time now, but I wasn’t quite there yet. Thank you for showing me the way.
Like I said, this is just beautiful. I wish I had written it!
Jay Schryer’s last blog post..Mindful Meditation Monday, Week One
I’ve gone through the same thing. The more things you try to fix the more screwed up you realize you are. I learned to be myself and if people don’t like it then oh well. It’s better to be appreciated for who you are, with your flaws and all, then seen as something you’re not. Sure, there are ways we can be better people, but the deep down stuff is what makes us us. That’s the difference between “real” people and “fake” people. The fake ones are trying to be who they’re not.
Ward
I was recently in a similar situation – downtrodden, in the dumps. I was lucky to find my way out much like your description. When I am aware of my own consciousness my anxiety goes down and I feel joy.
This was a pleasure to read. Thanks for sharing! Best of luck!!
Yes! Most definitely. Revel in it, because this is what being human is, essentially. It’s wonderful thing.
Joely Black (@TheCharmQuark on Twitter)’s last blog post..The ultimate question
Those words really struck a chord with me.
One thing I’ve learned over the years is that no matter WHO you TRY to be, Someone will Always disapprove of you! So screw em’!! There’s no way that you could possibly please everyone, so quit trying. Be the person YOU want to be, and only then can the law of attraction fall into place and really work well.
Almost every day I perceive someone disapproving of me in one way or another, I just don’t care in the least anymore. Besides, when someone does disapprove or judge, it’s generally them judging themselves (in kindof a Jungian sense).
Remember (if you believe in western astrology), things get pretty crazy during Mercury Retrograde, which we’re in the middle of right now, so EXPECT craziness, and strive to be a leaf in the wind. Sorry, I know that’s cheesy, but you get the point – try not to let stresses break you.
Be happy. I think you’re pretty amazing, and I have a lot of respect for all you’ve been through & how you’ve handled it all (all that I’ve read anyway.
)
P.S. ever played around with “Serenity Vibration Healing”? I just started exploring it and it’s pretty fascinating stuff, if it actually works like it’s supposed to, then I’m definitely on board with it.
best. blog. post. ever!!
Julie’s last blog post..Triboluminscence!
I love it! Yay for you!
Erica’s last blog post..Sleeveless (for now)
Yesssssss! Awesome. Self help books, for the most part, suck (imho)! They make you feel as if there is something wrong with you, when there isn’t. You’re just human. I think Joely really brought this home to me once when she made a comment saying “You’re a complex human being” and I was all like, “Dude you’re a genius – yes I am”
Hurrah, Hurrah, Hurrah for you.
Wormy’s last blog post..Decisions, Decisions
I love you just as you are Sarah. Loved this blog post enormously. I spent a decade peeling away layers of what the world likes to call truth trying to find that one right path. Looks like you’re on it now.
Hi again Sara. I just read your bio. Your not alone in feeling what you feel..period. I was diagnosed last year with a disease I had never heard of before…and it was the icing on the cake for me after seven years of dealing with the illness of both of my parents. I have been trying to adjust to this disease for a whole year now, and I as you, have decided to not let it win and control my life also. Hang in there okay, and your welcome to come to my blog anytime and say a word or two. I have just followed you on twitter. I’m animekid50.
You hang in there okay, and I’ll be around…
Lew
Lew Newmark’s last blog post..Sarah’s Blog Has A Post To Read About!
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