I seem to have lost my blogging voice lately. It’s weird. I think part of it is being out of practice. I used to blog every single day, and now, that’s a lot harder with work and sharing a computer. I have a lot less time to sit and mull over my blog post. That makes me kinda sad. And when I do go to write, I can’t seem to get the words right. They feel awkward in my head, and look more awkward on the screen.
It seems I’m temporarily stuck.
It’s not that I don’t have things to write about – I do. I’ve got lots. But none of it seems worth it, none of it seems to want to find the words.
I wonder if part of it is feeling like no one is paying attention. I mean, of course people are paying attention, I have readers for pete’s sake, but I guess I’ve been questioning the point lately.
Actually, I’ve been doing that with a lot of my business. I think it’s because I have a job, and a regular paycheck. It changed the dynamic between myself and my art in ways that I didn’t expect. And ways that I’m still struggling to address.
Things like, I’ve stopped expecting my business to make money. So I’ve stopped doing the things that would help it make money. In a totally bizarre way, I’ve given up on it. It’s like something in my brain is going “Oh well, you’ve got a steady paycheck now, better give up on this making money independently thing”.
I don’t get it. I don’t understand how this happened. It’s completely blindsided me. True, I’m painting again and experimenting again and that feels awesome, but I’ve nearly completely abandoned the business side of things. And it was a side that I enjoyed, the power of running my own business.
I’m wondering if I gave my power away when I signed up for a paycheck. I wonder if it’s secretly wiped out my hustle. Before, I had to hustle ’cause guess what? This is the only money coming in. Now I feel…cushioned. Protected. It’s really, really bizarre. It’s like I’ve lost my business mojo.
To be perfectly frank, it kinda freaks me out.
It’s like an apathy has come over me. I just can’t seem to see the point of marketing or writing the blog or hanging out on Twitter. This is baffling! Completely and totally baffling. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
And because it scares me, I haven’t been able to deal with it. I’ve been too apathetic to deal with it. So while I’m all gung ho about my art, and creating and learning and I’ve been a lot happier, I’ve been completely ignoring this entire part of my life that I’ve just totally abandoned.
I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. I can’t even seem to deal with it. There’s this big wall, this great big stuck here that is so bizarre to me that I’ve barely even been able to acknowledge it’s presence.
I guess the only thing I can do is meet myself where I am. Which is…umm…I don’t know. Floating somewhere in this great void of apathy. Confused. Not sure of what to do. Not even entirely sure what’s wrong with me.
I think I’ve fallen out of alignment with my business. Getting a job, getting a paycheck triggered something in me, some latent pattern that thinks that getting a job means no more business mojo. Or something.
It’s like I’ve given up my right to make money independently. Even as I write this, trying to get myself to care about my business making money, part of me just seems to balk. It’s like it’s saying “Oh no, we don’t do that anymore. Sorry.” And then shuts off.
It’s incredibly frustrating. This is my thing! My passion! My business! My empire! (Every empire has to start somewhere.) So why the heck have I stopped caring about it? What exactly is wrong with me?
There’s something deep going on here. Really deep. There’s a knot to untangle, a wall to shift. I’m having trouble even typing this because it’s just so stuck. There’s no space around it, no room to breathe. It’s just this big tangle of ropes, heaving and sweating and groaning.
And if I’m totally honest, more than freaking me out, this whole situation makes me sad. I miss my business. I miss hustling. I miss that side of myself that I seem to have sacrificed to the paycheck gods.
I’ll let you know if I figure anything out.