I’m not going to have a list of awesome things today.
I had a huge, gigantic, crazy-but-probably-totally-obvious-to-anyone-who-knows-me revelation about myself this morning, and I kind of need to talk about it right now, because I’m still trying to make sense of it.
I give myself away.
I spoke the other day about how I often lose myself in other people’s projects and block my own creative efforts. This was like a mini revelation compared to what hit me across the head today in my morning pages.
I was writing about how 2 weeks ago, I had $260 to make a payment on my credit card, and now, I have nothing left, and I was wondering where on earth it all went.
And it dawned on me that I’d spent it all on other people. Almost every cent. I think I managed to save $70 to put on my credit card. Everything else went on other people.
I’ve spent the last 2 weeks running around, trying to raise funds for Mary’s play (this is stuff I totally don’t resent and I’m not complaining about, just observing what I’ve done.)
I spent from 10:30am to 1:15pm yesterday walking up and down our downtown, soliciting businesses for money. I was so sick and in so much pain last night, I went to bed at 8:30pm. I’m still in a lot of pain today.
I’ve been neglecting my own business and my own art to help Mary’s play. Also I’ve been working on a website for a client, which has been completely confusing because he doesn’t know what he wants yet, so it’s a lot of trial and error. And again, I’m neglecting my own business and my art. I blame no one but myself.
I spend my entire life running around, trying to make everyone happy. I’m not just a people pleaser, I’m an approval whore.
I let everyone else leech off of me.
I give away my time, my money, my energy, my emotional energy, everything.
And I don’t give a damn thing back to myself.
I give and I give and I give, and then, when I’m almost dry, I give some more.
And so now I’m broke, exhausted, in pain, and miserable. I feel like a husk, an empty shell. I am both literally and spiritually broke. Used up. Very, very empty.
Normally, what I’d do in this situation is cut myself off, retreat, run away, hide. And maybe I might do that a little bit – the hiding under a duvet, recuperating bit.
But my generosity is an integral part of me, and I’m not just going to stop doing that. That’s like realizing you want to lose weight, chopping off a leg, and going “See? Dropped 30 lbs in one day!” Not practical. Also – very, very painful. Not to mention silly.
But obviously something is going to have to change. I can’t go on like this, because one day, there will be nothing left of me. And then I’ll turn into a Martyred Myrtle, and nobody wants to hang out with a Martyred Myrtle.
I need to learn how to give to myself first. I need to start taking care of myself.
Even just with money – I’ve spent the last 5 months going into debt to pay for other people. And then at the end of the day, I don’t have any money left to spend on myself, so I go more into debt to get the things that I need.
With my time, I just let everyone walk all over it and don’t set boundaries for how I’d like to spend my time. Do I really want to spend 2 hours on the phone with a friend during the day when I would rather be working? No. I want to work. We can go out for coffee tonight and talk or this weekend or whatever. But right now, I want to work.
With my emotional energy, I just give and give and give. I’m constantly trying to fix everyone and everything. Make everything better, make everyone happy. I’m not happy? Never mind, doesn’t matter. This is where I give the most, and drain myself the most.
I run myself completely into the ground for other people. I don’t resent the other people though. I know that if I had boundaries, most would respect them. Sure, it’d piss off some people, but for the most part, no one would care.
But I offer myself up like a sacrificial lamb
Here ya go! Here is everything I own, here is my life, my soul, my energy, my time, just take what you’d like. I’m like a buffet. A free buffet.
And when I ask myself why I do this, why I just give myself away for free, the only answer I ever get back is, “I’m apologizing for my own existence. I’m trying to make up for being born, for getting sick, for messing up, for being the wrong person, for every little mistake I’ve ever made, for every little hurt I’ve ever caused. I’m paying my debt to humanity.”
Which is a hard response to hear back from yourself. But it’s true. I’m trying to make up for even being alive. And if I give and give and give, maybe the world will forgive me.
And you know what all of this goes back to? Me being sick. And blaming myself for it for years. I was convinced that I must have done something really awful, really terrible to get this stupid disease. And that it was all my fault. The whole thing was my fault, and I wasn’t getting better like everyone told me I was going to, and that must be my fault too.
Because all of those miracle cures told me I was gonna get better, but when I didn’t, it was because I wasn’t thinking positively enough. I had done something wrong. I had messed it up somehow. Not their fault – definitely mine. I wasn’t trying hard enough to get better, apparently.
And all of this messed with my head when I was younger. It still does. I denied for years that I was a perfectionist, a Type A personality, because as my doctor said when I was first diagnosed, “It’s people like you that get this disease.”
Oh. Okay.
So even though officially, I understand that it’s not my fault that I got sick, and that I’m not actually a burden, in my soul, I don’t get it. I still blame myself.
I can’t be successful, not because I’m sick, but because I’m a terrible enough person to get sick.
I don’t think that I deserve success. And until I’ve made peace with my guilt and shame over being sick, I will always end up self-sabotaging. Always, always, always.
Because I deserve to be punished (at least that’s what my head says.)
Wow. Umm, so this whole post ended up being way, way more vulnerable than I had originally intended it to be. And much longer.
Sorry that this was a terrible “Happy Hour Friday”. It wasn’t actually happy at all. But I’m hoping that this is the beginning of some resolve in this inner conflict and maybe the start of some conversation with that person inside who still blames me for being sick.
Thanks for sticking with me on this one if you’re still here.
I love you guys.
15 Comments
I’m so glad you didn’t write this and then erase it or not post it. Wow. Wow. Ouch. Wow.
I’m gonna think about this and get back to you.
Peace.
Wow. What huge (and uncomfortable) realizations. That’s a lot for you to take in. For anyone!
Hug to you, my sweet.
Yeah. Wow. Seems like you’re feeling really frustrated and sad when you look at this lack, because you need to know that other people (and you) are going to respect your time and love and patience and your giving heart.
Also looks like you have your work cut out for you … creating boundaries. And office hours when friends can’t call …
Ugh. Hard. I’m sorry.
More hugs, sending you lots of whatever you need and all that. I am so impressed by the way share your understandings with us.
x
Havi
Ditto. Writing it out loud. Sharing the scary as well as the pretty.
I don’t remember where I heard it, but sometimes just sitting down and acting like an inquisitive 5yearold works. Ask “Why?” several times. “I feel tired.” “Why?” “Because I’ve been doing xxx?” “Why?” Because I feel xxx is expected of me.” “Why?” “Because so-and-so said…
Just keep asking “Why?” and see what answers your inner self gives. Although you seem to have a pretty good intuitive grasp on what your inner self is doing/saying already…
Is this were we stand on the open plain and look around 360 degrees and say “Well, I figured out what I’m doing wrong. Now how do I make it better?”, cause if it is, I’m sending you a piece of parchment paper so you can draw your own treasure map and mark a big red X on the spot you want to be in.
Hugs, long distance.
OK. Yeah, you are inspiringly open.
It seems like you’re giving yourself away because you don’t value yourself. You’re spending your time doing what you think other people want you to do because what you want can’t matter because you don’t.
You belong here.
Peace.
Daniel Edlen’s last blog post..Halfway Under The Limbo Pole
More than giving to yourself, much more than that, what about letting other people give to you?
Love you.
Joely Black (@TheCharmQuark on Twitter)’s last blog post..TGIAD: There’s so much going on I don’t know where to begin
Just letting you know that there’s another person out here still checking up on how you’re doing.
I’m really impressed by you, and I’m really proud of you, and I am totally confident that you are going to be ok and that you can look after yourself. If you don’t feel that yet, that’s ok, I’ll feel it for you until you can own it yourself.
Keep doing that thing you’re doing, it’s pretty darn awesome – as are you. Plus, I want to get to see what new paintings you produce!
James | Dancing Geek’s last blog post..10 days offline
Hugs. To start with. Because it is hard. But I think writing this is a BIG step. Not just writing it in your journal but feeling safe enough to put it on your blog for all of us to read is much bigger than it might look and I think you are probably going in a really good direction. Still icky but things are going to get better.
Second, you are young and having this realization which is even more awesome because me and a lot of my friends didn’t really get this (and get over this, if we have) until we were more like 40. Seriously. Lots of people don’t identify patterns like this until they are 40 or more. So you are way ahead of the curve.
Third, hours before I read this I sent you e-mail that I’m hoping is helpful and if you did find it helpful and are willing to receive more of the same kind of help do not hesitate to ask.
JoVE’s last blog post..Book Review: The Smile
Fello approval whore here, saying hello.
But seriously, what a huge realization. Recognizing this part of yourself is so important.
Just wanted to remind you to shower yourself with good love and compassion as you let this all soak in! xoxo -Leah
Leah’s last blog post..Intuitive Play
WOW. Boundaries, standing up for our selves, assertiveness, whatever… gotta love em really.
But WOW. Thank you for sharing this and *HUG*. Many, many hugs.
As ever, it’s the first step that’s the hardest and momentum then comes in to help – good luck. You absolutely deserve to give to yourself first and you have my 100% backing in this. If you ever need a reminder, you know where to find me
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And lastly – WOW.
Wormy’s last blog post..After conversations with my Third Chakra…
I have always wanted to start a support group for those of us who always say “Yes” to others.
It’s okay to say no to others and yes to ourselves. I promise you, the sky will NOT fall.
Boundaries are good things. “Good Fences make Good Neighbors” And remember, a good fence always has a gate that not only shuts securely, but also opens easily.
Just popping in to offer some love and continued admiration.
x
I feel exactly the same way about myself, that I need to make up for being alive. I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.
Hiya,
I found you through Havi. This post totally resonates like me. I’m very similar to you. Give, give, give some more. Then give again. Who cares about my needs, right? My purpose isn’t to take care of myself, it’s to take care of others! I’m not a big priority.
Yeah, look at all the good it did me. Exhaustion, boredom, occasional resentment to those that genuinely needed the help.
I don’t have answers. I wish I did. But I did go to a full moon circle over the weekend and was asked to make a promise to myself, the community, and the Divine spirit. I promised compassion to myself. Which would let me be able to help others better. We’ll see how that goes.
Totally feel you on the need to be punished. We’re flawed! We’re hopeless! If people see how we’re really like, they won’t like us anymore!
and all the while we’re the only ones that suffer.
Tiara’s last blog post..A confession. [3]
I found you through Havi, too. I know all too well what you mean. And I also came to that realization later in life. You’ve got a jump on things, but that doesn’t make it easier.
I had to get draconian. I dropped the neediest/most negative friends because they were like vampires. “No” and “Sorry can’t”/next subject are on the top shelf of my mental toolbox. I upset a bunch of people. And I could have handled it better. But it needed to be done.
I still need approval, but I see it now. It’s all a work-in-progress. Good luck and good wishes to you.
RhondaL’s last blog post..Free live webcast from Scottsdale Arabian Horse Show
This is so what I do too!
thank you for writing it.
No solutions here.
What helps me sometimes is using my anger. Just totally getting really mad at the situation and then using that energy to set up a boundaray (like: i need to stay home tonight).
My friend taught me that, she said ‘anger is energy’.
It’s the only trick I’ve found so far.
Boundaries are difficult.
Hannah’s last blog post..In the absence of new posts…