Well, well, well. Here you are again, Friday. What have I told you about sneaking up on me? Don’t you realize that it’s rude and uncalled for? Despicable. You should really take a good look at yourself in the mirror.
This week has been….quite the week, to say the least. Kind of an emotional roller coaster really, but I think it’s new beginnings.
I can hear!
First, I just need to say that I can finally hear again. It’s not totally normal and sometimes the volume control goes a little wonky, but I no longer need to have the TV on at 9 million decibels to hear it and people can’t get away with just mouthing words to mess with my head.
A breaking down and rebuilding
Sometimes something old needs to be destroyed to build something new. Wednesday, I know my post worried some people. I just felt so numb, so out of control. Ready to break down.
I did a few hours later. I sat on my bathroom floor and bawled my eyes out for an hour. And while it was painful, and it was hard and I wanted to hide, it was healing.
I apologized to myself. I apologized for all the hard in life, for all the pain. For all the times that I didn’t listen to myself, and tried to be someone who wasn’t me. I apologized for all the people that I let treat me like dirt, for all the times I didn’t stand up for myself. I apologized for punishing myself with guilt and shame so often.
I apologized for everything. I cried like the tears would never end, but they did eventually.
I felt cleansed.
My new mantra
One thing that came from the breaking down was a newborn sense of compassion – compassion for myself.
After years of feeling not good enough, of feeling like I was supposed to be someone else, anyone else but myself, I realized that deep down, I wouldn’t change a thing about me.
I like me, even if no one else does.
I kept telling myself this, again and again as I sat there crying.
I like me, even if no one else does. I like my art, even if no one else does. I think I’m a nice person, even if no one else does.
For that sweet space of an hour, I let go of everyone else’s expectations of me. I let go of my own expectations of me and just allowed myself to be.
A new path
It’s time for a new start. It’s spring soon and my birthday a week tomorrow. (Oh my god, I’ll be 21. I’ll be old. *whines* Just kidding.)
I’m working on allowing myself to just be me. Which is, oddly enough, incredibly difficult. I’m shedding one identity, and learning to let the true one shine through a little more. Ughhh hard.
And it’s a constant reminder that this doesn’t have to happen overnight. That this isn’t about being perfect, which is what part of me is yelling, but about changing the direction of my life towards a path that is softer, gentler and less about struggle.
It’s not about hacking a path through life, but letting the path appear by putting one foot in front of the other. Baby steps, not marathons.
This is a path that’s about allowing myself to just be me, and learning to love myself exactly the way I am.
It’s not easy. But it’s what I need to do to stop repeating the pattern of my life. I’m so used to living in a state of pain, a state of deprivation, that part of me is going, “A life of playful abundance?!?! AHHHHH!!!” and it wants to go find something to punish myself with and quickly. Where’s the guilt? Where’s the shame? What are we going to do with ourselves, huh? Huh?!
Maybe we’ll make stuff. Maybe we’ll take care of ourselves. Maybe we’ll be gentle with ourselves and learn to be kinder.
I think this is the beginning of a whole new life, one that I’m going to enjoy very much indeed.