I like this Friday. Do you know why I like this Friday? Because I think something finally sank in yesterday.

Let me tell you all about it.

Soul Breathing

For so long, I feel like I’ve been sitting on myself, suffocating myself. I use hard work to punish myself, and I probably wouldn’t talk to my worst enemy the way I talk to myself. I put myself down, and burden myself with guilt and shame. Not all of it is there because of me, but I continue it. I keep myself small, stop my wings from growing and spreading. I force my soul into a very tiny box, and that’s where I stay.

I’m pretty horrible to myself really.

Yesterday, I stopped. I just…stopped. I walked away from the computer, and went outside to sit in the grass, and bask in sunshine. My cat came over to sit with me, curled up on my legs and went to sleep.

And there we sat, for 45 minutes. Just…sitting.

It took a while before the whirring of my mind slowed down. It spent the first 10-15 minutes telling me that I couldn’t be doing this, that the world was going to fall apart, that I was going to be a complete failure if I wasn’t working in the middle of the day. I let it be there, I let it ramble on. Soon, it ran out of things to say and my mind quieted.

I started to breathe, slowly, deeply. I became aware of the sun on my back, warming my dark clothing, the wind softly blowing my hair. I never noticed how many birds there were until I stopped to listen to their songs.

I smiled.

I began to breathe deeper, slower. I filled my lungs with sunshine, and filled my heart with love. Bit by bit, the pressures of my mind backed off, the heavy mantle of guilt, and not-good-enough and shame slipped and crumpled to the ground.

As I inhaled the sweet warm air, I felt my soul reinflating. I breathed deeper and deeper, relishing the feeling of just being myself, and yet connected to everything around me. I prayed. Actually, it’s more like I had a conversation with the Universe. I’m not very good at praying. I’m much better at chatting.

I talked about wanting to heal, wanting to feel more peaceful, wanting to love my work again. I talked about wanting to create again, to leave behind the that heavy mantle of guilt and shame. I talked about loving me and taking care of me.

And all around me, pink and warm and gentle, the Universe listened, and encouraged, and supported.

I began to be kind to myself. I began to surrender.

I made stuff!

For half an hour yesterday, I sat in my front yard and drew the daffodils. Later on that night, I painted orchids. It’s probably no coincidence that on the day I felt myself begin to grow again, I chose to paint flowers, the original symbol of growth and flourishing.

And the best part was, there was no shame, no worry, no guilt. I just enjoyed creating for the sake of creating. I got more done yesterday by letting up on the pressure than I have on days when I spend the whole time guilting myself into working, and worked 13 hours. I still worked a long day yesterday, and had to teach class at 7:30, but I wasn’t exhausted by the end. I was tired, but a happy tired.

I know that this isn’t the end of the struggle – I still have a lot of patterns that I need to work through, and miles of healing left to do. But it’s a beginning – it’s a taste of a life that I dream of. It’s a taste of the person I dream of. It’s the beginning of a journey back to myself, and towards the future that I dream of. It will require honesty, and a willingness to see things as they really are, but I can handle that. I’m willing to handle that in order to create the life that I want – from the inside out.

So, let’s celebrate!

Because yesterday was so awesome, and because I really really love all of you guys who read my blog and keep me company and hang out with me on Twitter, I’ve decided to hold a promotion! We all know it’s Mother’s Day in a few weeks, so I’ve decided that I’m going to give away an 8×10 print of any painting that the winner wants!

All you have to do is sign up for my mailing list, and you’ll be automatically entered to win! (If you’re already signed up for my mailing list, don’t worry, you’re automatically entered.) On my mailing list you’ll find out about promotions, giveaways and times when I randomly feel like giving discounts, just because. Plus any other crazy/cool/fun things that I decide to do. It’s like being VIP, except without the lame acronym.

Go here to read all about it and sign up!

It’s Mother’s Day, so you get free stuff!

Alright, that’s it for me this week. I’m going to go shower before the heating duct guy comes by -  he’d probably appreciate that. Hope you all have a delightful spring weekend!