I am about to do something really, really scary.
I’m going to take a week off. No blogging. No business. No nothing. No big gigantic projects. No planning. Zip. Nilch. Nadda.
Until next Friday. One whole week of no work.
I think I’m going to have a panic attack.
I need to slow down before something awful happens
I woke up again today completely exhausted. I wrote yesterday about how I’m intensely tired lately. Well, I’ve decided to do something about it. Running myself into the ground is not fun, and I’ve done it too many times before to pretend that I can deal with it.
I need to take some time for myself – forcibly. I use my work to numb out and that’s just not working anymore. Again and again I try to change, I try to put myself first, but I just can’t.
Drastic measures need to be taken. I need to retreat.
Some time alone
I’ve been going through a healing process over the last six months, and it’s been hard. On top of trying to heal, I’ve been working hard to get my business off the ground, as well as take on some freelance web design work on the side.
Things have been busy, hectic, and quite frankly too much. I used all of the work to not have to deal with the healing process, and the healing process ain’t too impressed right now. It reaches a certain point, and you just have to man up and deal with it all.
That’s going to be me this week. Quite frankly I’m terrified. This implies a complete loss of control – a surrender to the parts of me that need to be heard. My business will have to fend for itself. But I desperately need to find time with the silence.
A breaking down
Sometimes you’ve got to head into the darkness to find the light. I’ve got a lot of darkness, a lot of memories of past events that I’d just rather not think about. I don’t think that I need to relive those past events to heal, but I do need to hear and comfort the pain left behind from them.
It’s been a very long time since I’ve talked to the darker side of my soul. I’d say it’s probably been 3 years since we’ve had a really good chat. I couldn’t face what I found, and walked away, divorced myself from it. As far as I was concerned, it was gone. Disappeared. Kaput. Vamoose.
It’s not. It was just buried behind a very large wall. But now that wall is starting to crumble, and those parts of me that need to be heard and hugged and loved are back, and they have a lot that they’d like to say to me. It’s time that I sat down and listened.
A building up
I’ve come to believe that sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you can come back up, especially if you’re running blind. But then other times, you don’t. I’m trying to avoid rock bottom by consciously choosing to face the pain with love and awareness. Usually I’d just let it sneak up on me until I couldn’t take it anymore and then spend a week crying in my room. It works, but it’s a helluva lot more painful than it needs to be.
This time, I’m mindfully taking a week to spend time with that place, to talk to it, and to give it all of the love and attention that it needs. To take steps towards healing it properly and not just putting another pretty bandaid on it.
It’s still brown pants time
Yeah, it doesn’t matter how many times I say to myself, “I’m consciously choosing to heal this pain” I’m still terrified. Sure, I’m mindfully terrified, but really at the end of the day, does that really even mean a damn thing when you’re this scared?
For me, this is like sky diving without a parachute, bungee jumping without a cord – it’s the ultimate free fall, and I’ll tell you, my friends, I sure as hell ain’t no thrill seeker. I’d rather hack off my own leg with a spoon to be perfectly frank. That place inside of me is a place of total helplessness – the powerlessness of a child whose life is falling apart and can’t do anything to fix it. Why do you think I’m such a control freak?
So for a whole week, I’m releasing control. This is it, folks. Sarah is jumping into the free fall head first. I’ll be back next Friday to let you know how it goes.
Wish me luck. I’ll be thinking of you all
(P.S. Obviously with me being gone, I’ll be unable to pimp out my Mother’s Day giveaway. So I’ll just do a quickie reminder here, that yes, you still have time, and yes, it will be totally awesome.)