I tried to get back into the swing of things yesterday – got up at 7am, did some yoga, blogged, hung out on Twitter, organized a bit of my studio.

By 10am I was tired. I took a 2 hour nap, got back up, mailed a couple things, came home, did a few of my anatomy lessons.

By 6pm, I was practically delirious I was so exhausted. I was in so much pain I was close to tears and I could barely move.

I guess I’m not recuperated yet.

Frustrated. And worried.

It’s been 2 weeks since I finished work on the show. The fact that my body is still mad at me? Scary. Worrying. Frustrating. If I’m delirious and crying in pain after a very gentle day, then how much longer is it going to take me to recuperate?

I’ve been applying for jobs, but in this state, I couldn’t do any of them.

I can’t even really work right now to make money from my art, because while I was doing the show, all of my own stuff got left behind and basically, I’m starting at practically square one.

And I’m just so tired. If I wasn’t so bloody tired, I wouldn’t care all that much that this all wasn’t going very well, but because I’m tired it’s just that much harder to do, that much harder to deal with.

Attempting to talk myself down

Hi Self.

So we’re pretty scared right now. And we’re going to try and practice some self kindness. Because I think we really need it.

So even though we’re really scared about the future right now, we’re allowed to be. Because it is scary. And the fear isn’t us. And we’re just allowed to be here right now, and soon it’ll go away.

And even though we’re really mad at ourselves right now, we’re allowed to be because all of this is frustrating, but that’ll go away soon too.

And even though we’re sad right now because we don’t want to feel negative and scared and angry and sad, we’re allowed to be sad, because this stuff is sad. And soon, this will go away too.

And we’re allowed to be wherever we are right now, because that’s just where we are and it’s perfectly legitimate and perfectly okay, and we can stay here as long as we need to.

And now we’re going to go take a long, hot bath and be all these things without fighting them.

And we’ll see what today brings and what tomorrow brings, and what life brings.

But for now, we’re allowed to just be.



  1. says

    Ah hun, *hugs* I want to say I know how you feel – but I don’t, so I won’t.

    But this sounds scary and overwhelming to you, so sending you a huge hug.

    Because – ugh – it ain’t easy to deal with, even if you’re being nice to yourself.

  2. says

    Yes, you *are* allowed, and it it is perfectly normal — yes, even obvious — that you would feel that way. We don’t realize the energy that it takes to be creative and put ourselves out there and try to pay the bills day after day after day.

    It’s wonderful work, but it’s exhausting, and we need extra rest. Yet we love our work, so we don’t give ourselves any rest because we don’t WANT to rest.

    I totally hear you about having to start over. When I get through a huge whooosh of projects, I feel the same way, because I didn’t have time for my systems, and I lose my momentum. Currently trying to NOT have to start over next time!

    Anyway, just wanted to re-assure you…and remind you to SLEEP! And do non-work things, even though you’re scared not to work!

  3. says

    At the time you were painting and working so hard I was wondering “but she has CFS, is this really possible for her?” And I guess it only is if you allow yourself LOTS of time to recover.

    And flying back and forth the way you did. REALLY TIRING. Believe me. It feels like you are just sitting in a chair all day (in a waiting room, in a plane, etc) but it wipes me out every time. That’s why my daily rate is so high, because the travel is tiring.

    And driving across the country. Even when you are not doing the actual driving. Fucking exhausting.

    So you had a bunch of really busy weeks. Followed by driving across the country. ANd then flying back and forth.

    No wonder you are tired. Book a couple of weeks to just recover.

    You have more than enough reasons to be this exhausted. Look after yourself.