I tried to get back into the swing of things yesterday – got up at 7am, did some yoga, blogged, hung out on Twitter, organized a bit of my studio.
By 10am I was tired. I took a 2 hour nap, got back up, mailed a couple things, came home, did a few of my anatomy lessons.
By 6pm, I was practically delirious I was so exhausted. I was in so much pain I was close to tears and I could barely move.
I guess I’m not recuperated yet.
Frustrated. And worried.
It’s been 2 weeks since I finished work on the show. The fact that my body is still mad at me? Scary. Worrying. Frustrating. If I’m delirious and crying in pain after a very gentle day, then how much longer is it going to take me to recuperate?
I’ve been applying for jobs, but in this state, I couldn’t do any of them.
I can’t even really work right now to make money from my art, because while I was doing the show, all of my own stuff got left behind and basically, I’m starting at practically square one.
And I’m just so tired. If I wasn’t so bloody tired, I wouldn’t care all that much that this all wasn’t going very well, but because I’m tired it’s just that much harder to do, that much harder to deal with.
Attempting to talk myself down
So we’re pretty scared right now. And we’re going to try and practice some self kindness. Because I think we really need it.
So even though we’re really scared about the future right now, we’re allowed to be. Because it is scary. And the fear isn’t us. And we’re just allowed to be here right now, and soon it’ll go away.
And even though we’re really mad at ourselves right now, we’re allowed to be because all of this is frustrating, but that’ll go away soon too.
And even though we’re sad right now because we don’t want to feel negative and scared and angry and sad, we’re allowed to be sad, because this stuff is sad. And soon, this will go away too.
And we’re allowed to be wherever we are right now, because that’s just where we are and it’s perfectly legitimate and perfectly okay, and we can stay here as long as we need to.
And now we’re going to go take a long, hot bath and be all these things without fighting them.
And we’ll see what today brings and what tomorrow brings, and what life brings.
But for now, we’re allowed to just be.