So as I began to write this post, the power went out. At first, I was annoyed. Like come on, Hydro One, I need to get work done!

I spent the first 5 minutes freaking out. I was supposed to be printing out packages to go downtown and hand out to various businesses to raise money for Mary’s play, but I couldn’t print if the power was out. After I finished freaking out though, I realized that it was probably a good thing. I could do with a break.

I’m feeling overwhelmed currently. I’m trying to raise money for the play, and work on a website for a client, and I still want to work on my own business and hang out at the Kitchen Table, and blog, and paint, and I feel like there’s just too much to do and not enough time in the day. And I’ve been getting so overwhelmed that I end up getting nothing done instead.

There’s also the fact that I’ve been feeling completely emotionally exhausted as well. So I’m feeling stuck, angry, frustrated, and like I’m not getting anything done.

So an hour to just sit and not do anything because I couldn’t even turn on lights to paint, was probably for the best.

For one thing, I feel so much more relaxed now. Because you know what? I did nothing for an hour. And did the sky fall? Nope. Life just continued on. And now I’m sitting back at the computer, writing this.

Patterns

I had some insights while sitting with myself for an hour.

One thing I do to block myself creatively – I lose myself in other people’s projects. I devote hours of my own time to doing things that other people need me to do. I go off, saving the day, fixing things. I’m a helper mouse to my own destruction – I can’t helper mouse my own stuff. I just put it off, day after day, in favour of other’s projects.

You know what this does? It makes me increasingly cranky and frustrated because I let these other projects rage out of control, and leak into every area of my life. My own stuff ends up not just being put on a backburner, but actually being taken off the stove entirely. My inner artist and my inner sense of self get kinda cranky.

Drifting

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’ve been drifting. I’m starting to formulate what I want to create in life, but I don’t feel like I have any kind of direction. This hasn’t exactly helped me have productive days either. I’ve been kind of annoyed at myself for having no direction and no fixed idea of exactly where I’m going, and not being able to streamline my days so that I’m able to get more done.

But I think I’ve been drifting for a reason. I’ve been doing a lot of healing. A lot. And a lot of struggling with beliefs and habits and patterns and learning to not struggle, and dealing with the pain and listening to the hurt. Lots of icky stuff. If I’d been trying to do that, and create a highly productive business with all the ups and downs that brings, I probably would have lost it.

I’m starting to feel as though I’m getting ready to stop drifting. I feel like I’m preparing myself to get out of the water and follow a direction.

Fear

Having a direction scares me. A lot. You know what scares me most about biggifying myself?

That it’ll be too big.

It’s like they say – you’re more scared of success than failure. I am terrified that things will be too big, too great, too awesome, and I won’t be able to handle it.

I’ll crumble. My health will fail. I’ll get scared. I’ll self sabotage. Some way, some how, I just won’t be able to handle this amazing gift of success. It will just be too much for little old me.

And that’s part of the pattern too – that I’m just a humble, little person who couldn’t handle something so magnificent as success. That it would get out of control and I’d end up losing myself to it and resenting it. That it would just be too much. That I’d never get to rest or nap or do anything because it would just consume me.

That really scares me. I don’t feel ready for it yet.

I have some blocks

There’s something deep down inside that isn’t ready for success yet. She’s scared. She’s happier staying small. She really just wants to hide under the nearest duvet, and not come out again. It all just seems too big, too scary, too full of light for her. She’s not ready for people to notice (even though people are, a bit at a time).

But there are some moments when I feel, deep down inside of me, that when I start to succeed, I’m going to really succeed. And that there’s something awesome and huge and wonderful out there for me. That I’m going to be able to change the world and help people and make contributions and really make a difference. Really inspire people.

But I’m not ready for that yet. I’m almost ready to get on that path, but there’s some big boulders mountains that I’ve put in my way that I need to maneuver around first.

Maybe I’ll learn how to rock climb.