I seem to have lost my direction. In fact, I think that’s been a huge part of the problem of my lack of productivity the past year. I have no idea where I’m going.

True, I’ve got my self imposed schooling, but right now, I’m only in the anatomy section, which while interesting, isn’t a long term creative goal within itself.

Some artists work in series – Hazel Dooney for example, or Christopher Pew. Other artists, like Linda Blondheim, will set themselves themes they want to explore.

I’ve never done this. I’ve always just kind of moved from painting to painting, without ever really working towards an actual goal. For a while it worked, but now it seems that I’m losing focus. Actually, I’ve lost focus completely. I’m not really sure where I’m going next.

To be honest, I don’t even know where I want to go next.

I did the nudes, and enjoyed them, but there was something missing. Don’t know what, but it was something intangible. Love doing landscapes, but after a while, I get bored. Adore doing portraits but no one wants to buy paintings of someone else. Don’t care much for architecture, or social/political commentary. Not really into fantasy or still life or abstract.

So where does my passion lie?

I’m not really sure. Which I find kind of depressing. I love art, but what do I want to do with that art? What am I trying to say? Where in the heck am I going with this?

I would love to specialize in portraiture. I love exploring other people’s personalities and characters. The society portraits by John Singer Sargent? Love them. It just gets me all jazzed up. But I don’t know what kind of call there is for portraiture anymore.

I love my landscapes and I think if I started working bigger, I’d love them more. Right now I’m working quite small, and it’s frustrating me. There’s also the fact that I’m a horrid colourist and really need to learn how to use colour properly. Maybe horrid is a strong word, but I’m getting frustrated with my colours – I can’t seem to get it to look how I want it to.

Mostly, I’m just frustrated. I keep asking myself what I want to be doing, and all of the answers that come back seem to be fairly unreasonable. Paint bigger! Paint portraits! Paint society portraits of people in pretty dresses! Take over the world! Paint more people! Work in oils! Paint bigger landscapes! Make everything grand and huge and glorious!

So maybe my problem is that I know what I want, but because I don’t think it’s very reasonable, I won’t let myself do it. I mean, who on earth paints society portraits these days? And it’s such a pooh-poohed “art form”. Its not real art, like social commentary. It’s just pandering to rich people, at least according to the critics.

But I like it. I like painting people. But I also love huge landscapes. It’s the art I was raised on, the art that inspired me. It’s not that I want to recreate it exactly, but at the same time, if that’s what I love, then what am I supposed to do? Ignore that and do what’s socially acceptable as an artist currently?

I guess it comes down to following my heart, or following my sense of what I’m supposed to do.

And of course, all of this is tied up in the direction that I want my business to go in. My business will follow my art. My customers will follow my art. My Right People will depend upon the kind of art that I’m making.

It’s also tied up in where I show my art. Will I continue to show solely online? Will I actively look for galleries to represent me? Will I do work based on themes for shows? Will I do solely juried art shows? Will I get into licensing my work?

So many questions, not really that many answers.

The only thing that I know is, above all, I want to make great art. The paintings that you see in museums and galleries that grab your soul by the throat and shake you up and capture your imagination and soothe you and inspire you and touch your humanity somewhere deep inside that you forgot even existed.

That’s what I want. I just don’t know how I’m going to do that.