I’m kind of glad January is almost over.

It’s not that it hasn’t been amazing and fabulous.

It’s just been…a lot. A lot of scary. A whole helluva lot of stretching. Stretching past fear, past self-imposed limitations, past my ideas of what is possible or not.

On December 24th, in “The Crisis is Over” I wrote about the kind of year I was planning. I wrote that it was time for a new era, where I was going to really step into my own.

“…the crisis is over. The time for fighting is over. We don’t need to live in deprivation mode anymore, just to get us from one day to the next. [...]

I want to remember that I am powerful. I have the power to create the life that I want. I am not helpless. I am not a victim. I am powerful.[...]

No more struggle. No more fighting. I want to work on opening up to receive. [...]

Everything I’ve got planned for this year is about the same thing – leaving the struggle, the fighting, the helplessness behind. It’s really about coming into my own and living life on my own terms. It’s what I’ve spent 10 years fighting for.

I won the war. Now I need to relax and start enjoying it.”

The 10 days between Christmas Eve and the first Monday of the new year were quiet. I’d taken that week off in preparation, knowing that no matter what happened on January 3rd, this year was going to pick up straight away.

I still didn’t quite expect the last month.

Aside from being accepted into the studio program in France, and getting a scholarship and having my art put on their site and then being informed I should really think about staying till the end of October, not just the middle of August, but then raising all of the tuition ($3,750) in 10 days and getting so much support from so many people – yeah, that would have been crazy enough.

And then I posted a video of me singing and dancing. Which is something that would have terrified me just 2 months ago. Me? Singing? That was enough to make me hide under the bed. I’ve been told my whole life that I’m a terrible singer. The first few recordings, I was doing the nervous choke. But then I got into it and told myself to just have fun – which I did. I had a ball recording that video. I want to do more! (And then to have people tell me I’m pretty good? That was crazy.)

There was also the video where I almost started bawling on camera while talking about my past and what getting into the school in France means to me. Yep, that was pretty scary too.

The next thing you know, I’m being offered a job to manage a gallery next summer.

And did I mention that I’m teaching my first ever online course this weekend? And I’ve been recording my first-ever webinars all week? Like, I’m – I dunno – some kind of expert or something?

I even drummed up all of my courage and emailed the local modeling agency – it’s something I’ve always wanted to try, but always thought to myself, “Who are you to think you’re beautiful?” I might have an audition next Thursday, if they don’t mind my being in France half the year – I’m still waiting to hear.

(Actually, even just telling you that I want to give modeling a go makes me feel very nervous – I’m embarrassed and worried that you’ll think I’m horribly shallow.)

The Voice of Possibility

I’m suddenly doing things left and right that I just never thought were possible. I never even let them get on the radar. Now it’s like there’s a little voice whispering (okay, sometimes yelling) that maybe I could try this or try that, and wouldn’t that thing be fun?

Wouldn’t it be fun to stay in France till the end of October?
Wouldn’t it be fun to do a bit of modeling on the side?
Wouldn’t it be fun to have some extra money so we can get a haircut/some clothes that aren’t falling apart/new contacts?

I feel like I’m unfurling, blooming. People keep commenting on it.

For the first time in such a long, long time, I’m feeling almost comfortable in my own skin. I can sense my own competence. Some moments, I can even say I feel pretty confident.

It’s not a 100% turn around. I seem to shift back and forth between insecurity and confidence. But most importantly, I seem to have figured out how to get back to feeling confident even when I get knocked down.

So here’s to January. It’s been quite a crazy month. I am unbelievably grateful for all of the good things, opportunities and support that has come my way.

February is just around the corner. I wonder what it’s going to bring…

Me, as it turns out.

When Natalie Peluso did Fearless Karaoke back in July, I loved it and wished I’d noticed it was happening so I could have participated. (I was in a creative bubble at the time. Not much gets through.)

Anyways, I’ve been singing a lot and thinking about singing a lot and thinking about singing (good gawd) publicly a lot.

It’s not that I have aspirations of becoming a professional singer.

There is just something about singing – about letting my voice ring clear – that is calling to me right now.

And I’ve been singing and boogie-ing like nobody’s business since I was accepted into the school in France.

So here’s what I’m thinking.

Ideally, I don’t want to pay my tuition at the last possible second. I’d like to pay as early on Tuesday as possible.

If I can raise the rest of my tuition ($1300) by Tuesday at 12pm EST, I will record a video of myself, singing karaoke and dancing.

I get to pick the song (I already have one in mind, it’s been my anthem the last 2 weeks).

And on Tuesday, right after I pay my tuition bill, I will post a video of me, singing loudly, and with gusto, (and dancing with even more gusto), to celebrate.

Because at that point, it’s gonna be Official Official.

I will be going to France to study art for 3 whole months.

I figure a little singing and dancing would be in order to celebrate.

Wait! What about the postcards?

And as an added bonus, I’ve decided that with any purchase of an original piece or print, you’ll get a postcard or 2 from me from somewhere in Europe this summer.

Just for giggles, ya know?

Want to see me dance and sing AND get awesome art and European postcards?

Click the button below to get started.

(Don’t forget that even if you can’t afford to help me out financially, if you spread the love all over the internets, you’ll get one step closer to seeing me be a happy dork on camera )

So first, I have a confession to make. It’s going to sound really un-artist like, and I apologize if I shock your tender sensibilities.

Dude, I love business and marketing.

I know it’s not very seemly for an artist to passionately declare her love of marketing, but it’s true. I was 16 when it dawned on me that I could start my own business. It made me giddy with excitement. I had all of these plans for making jeweled boxes lined with velvet and selling them to stores around town. It never quite worked out – illness and school got in the way – but I had seen the light. The world of the entrepreneur had me hooked.

About 3 years ago, I discovered Seth Godin and it sealed my fate. I fell madly in love with marketing and began to voraciously read everything about it.

Of course, the irony is that I struggle to market my art because of my own varied and exciting set of neuroses.

But give me someone else’s business? Yum yum yum. Especially the start-up phase. I love sitting down with someone who is just starting their business, or hasn’t quite figured out their marketing and feels like everything they offer is all over the place, and then helping them make it a coherent whole. I love showing them the pattern of their business. (Thank you, Shiva Nata!) It’s about how all of the parts fit together and move together.

Apparently when I wasn’t looking, all of the stuff I’ve been reading about for years has managed to solidify itself into something useful in my brain. Who knew?

Which leads me to…

A Very Exciting Announcement!

But first, a smidge of back story.

As some of you know, I do a bit of freelance web design on the side. I don’t so much enjoy the designing part – Photoshop is a beast of its own, I’ll leave that to the experts – but I actually rather enjoy the coding. It’s so nice and analytical. It gives me problems and then I get to solve them.

(People who know me just as an artist get thrown off when I tell them I like to code – but it’s a nice workout for the other side of my brain. I am a recovering geek after all. I won awards in high school for top science marks and my chemistry teacher thought I was obviously going into the sciences (you shoulda seen her face when I said arts). I just try to pretend none of that happened.

Anyways, what all of this rambling is leading you to is this:

For the past 6 months, I’ve been doing freelance coding for the lovely Diane Whiddon of Novel Website Design. She’s a good friend and collector and working for her is a dream. I adore her to bits.

But a couple weeks ago, it got even better.

Diane is incorporating in 2011, and has invited me to be her business partner. I’ll still be coding for her, but, here’s the exciting part – I’ll be doing marketing consulting and coaching with her clients. I finally have an outlet for all of this marketing goodness that has put itself together in my brain.

I am so excited!

The very best part is that it still allows me to focus on my art. Art is, and always will be, my first love. It will always be my primary business. Now though, I get to balance all of my loves together. I am a multi-passionate person and it’s about time I embraced that.

What it all boils down to though is the same – I want to show people the possibility within the world. Whether it’s art that reminds you of the possibility of hope, or the possibility within your business, I am an optimist who believes that there is more to life. And I’m here to help you see that.

At the end of this week, Diane and I will be revealing our first joint product together – it’s geared towards people who’d need a website but don’t have tons of money and are intimidated by technology and what all of this plugin-widget-SEO-hosting-domain nonsense is. We’ll walk you through setting up your own WordPress site from top to bottom, from picking the right template to writing content to all of the overwhelming tech-ey stuff. If you’re interested in learning more, leave a comment and I’ll email you more details personally. Same with the marketing help.

But mostly, I just wanted to announce this new phase of my life and share it with all of you! Because I’m really excited. 2011 is going to be unbelievably awesome.

I arrived on Prince Edward Island exactly one year ago today. One whole year. I can’t believe it. Can you believe it? Where the heck did the past year go? I feel like it’s been 6 months, at most. Not a whole year.

I can’t believe it’s gone so fast.

I just re-read my first post from PEI. I was in such an awful place. I was feeling scared, defeated, and out of my league. The Nude Show had just gone abysmally. I was completely broke. I was living far, far away from my home and it was all new and so adult. I had to figure out things like grocery shopping and meal planning and paying my bills and finding a job.

Things have changed so much. I’m making more money, I’m living in a beautiful apartment, I have lovely friends, and I feel like I’m somewhat on top of being an adult. I at least manage to pay my bills on time and make enough money to pay for all of them myself.

And I’m planning for the future too – plans like school in France and traveling the world and creating new bodies of work. It’s exciting. Things aren’t perfect, but then I’m slowly learning to stop hoping for the safety of perfection. Life is constant flux and I’m learning to enjoy it more than be afraid of it.

I really want to celebrate today. It feels important, significant. I’ve been completely independent for an entire year, which quite frankly, I think a lot of people doubted that I could do. I’m proud of myself. I’ve done quite well. I’ve dealt with health scares and new jobs and harsh rejection and just managing life on my own terms. I think it’s a pretty big deal.

And I’m proud of Jesse and I. We’re learning how to live together, how to share a home. It wasn’t always easy, especially in the beginning. We had to re-learn how to communicate. We saw each other at our worst and best. I know I brought a lot of unhappy patterns with me. I’m still unwinding them, but we’re both getting better at dealing with it when it comes up. Our relationship has gotten so much stronger after this past year. I love him more than ever. Some days, he’s just too wonderful for words.

So in honour of a year living on PEI, a visual record of our life together.

I can’t quite believe we did it. Go us.

P.S. We’re still trying to raise the money to help Hannah fulfill her dream of dancing again. If you’re interested in reading the story and helping out, go here.

Ballet Shoes © Sarah Marie Lacy, 2010. Acrylic on canvas, SOLD.

I’m dancing again.

Very few people know that when I was younger, I used to dance all the time – I was a classically trained ballet dancer and I loved it. But then I got sick, and I had to let that passion go. I thought that door had closed forever. If someone had told me when I was 12 that in 9 years I’d be feeling much better and ballroom dancing in Charlottetown, PEI, I probably would have hit you.

Letting go of dance hurt. I kept dancing by myself in my room in bits and pieces, but it was never the same. Often times when I did dance, I’d be in pain for several days after.

But now that I’m back at it…oh my god. It’s all I can think about. I’ve downloaded the soundtracks to all of my favourite dance movies. I’m foxtrotting around my living room and practicing the cha cha while I dry dishes. I’m standing up straighter. I’m walking with confidence again. I feel pretty again. (Don’t even ask me how long it’s been since I actually felt pretty. Ugh.)

I was in Wal Mart on Friday and found the perfect t-strap silver heels for $9. Friday night, I went to practice and danced for 3 hours straight. I’ve been on a dancing high ever since.

When I left dance all those years ago, as much as I loved it, things had started to get complicated – I was a very good dancer, and had the classic ballet body, so there was a lot of pressure to be good, most of it from myself. But that pressure to be the best was leeching the fun out of it. I wasn’t enjoying it as much anymore.

Now I’m just dancing for me and for how I feel when I move my body to music. There’s such a sense of satisfaction when you get the steps right, and you’re moving around the dance floor gracefully, confidently.

I can’t help but feel beautiful.

Bringing this to my art

Don’t worry, I haven’t abandoned my paintbrush for my dance shoes (although I might paint while wearing them). But falling in love with dance again is fueling my creativity and reminding me of how to approach my art.

Because I am just so excited about dancing again, I’m picking up the steps super fast. I just want to learn more and more and more and I’m improving pretty quickly (the fact that my body remembers how to do this dancing thing also helps, even after 9 years). Even screwing up is fun and full of laughter. I’m lapping up every second of it. When that music starts, I can’t help myself. I am dancing from sheer joy.

But it begs the question – how can I bring that passion to my art? How can I bring that joy of learning, that sheer excitement to my studio?

It’s not that I don’t love art

But you know how it is – life bogs you down. There are deadlines, there’s rejection, there’s criticism, there’s failure. You end up with a bus full of baggage. You start to lose the fire that originally drew you to it. It starts to transform into a j-o-b.

So I figure there must be a way to use my love of dance to re-inspire my art.

I realized that it comes down to attitude. I’m dancing for me, no one else. I’m not dancing to impress the teachers or the other dancers. I want to learn and improve entirely for the satisfaction of being able to dance a decent salsa.

When I am in my studio, I need to shut out all of those outside voices – I can’t paint for other artists, for my critics, for gallery owners, or really even for my collectors. I have to go in there, and paint completely for me. It’s the only way I’ll create art that’s true for me, that really expresses my vision.

When I get too caught up in the guilt and shame that Marcel The Inner Critic lumps on me, my art gets stiff, constipated, uninspired. Painting becomes akin to pulling teeth. I can’t want to improve from a sense of guilt & shame (which is how I often feel – how can I possibly call myself an artist if I’m not as good as x,y or z?)

If I can learn from a place of self satisfaction – wanting to improve entirely for the satisfaction of being able to paint a decent painting – suddenly my whole approach and attitude changes. I can do it joyfully, passionately. There’s no stress, no strain, no demands, no deadlines, no standards, no critics.

Just the joy of improving my craft for my own pride and satisfaction.

After 3 weeks of living here, I’ve finally had the chance to take pictures of the new apartment so I can show you guys.

I am so completely in love with this place, possibly more so than ever.

Built in bookshelves and fireplace in living room

My painting area - huuuuuuuge windows

My kitchen table and window

Beautiful molding in bedroom

My view from my desk. Nice eh?

It’s just so beautiful here, I can’t get over it. So much original detail still left from the 1800s. (Whee! Every time I say that, I get excited!)

It’s really a home. I could stay here for quite a few years happily. Plus the neighbourhood is a billion times quieter. I’m just super happy

Yesterday morning, I was pretty much having a meltdown. I was so tired and couldn’t bear to face another day of work. I knew that if things continued like this, I wouldn’t be doing anything, let alone working in 2 months time. I’d be practically comatose.

But I made a choice – that if it came down to my art or the job, the job would go. I’d find a new job, a job that would make things easier on me. But the art would never go, would never be a hobby. No way, no how.

And sometimes, just by figuring out what you want, the Universe decides to lend a helping hand.

I found out my schedule at work starting next week and it’s so perfect for my needs, it’s almost stupid. I only have to work Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. I work 2-9 on Thursday and Friday and 9-5:30 on Saturday. That’s it. I still have 4 full days to work on my art, and half of Thursday and Friday (mornings are my best working time anyways) and I don’t usually work on the business on a Saturday, so I don’t even care that I lost it!

It’s perfect, just perfect. It’s also manageable. Three days a week is no big deal, and for the most part, it’s after I’ve done the stuff that’s important to me. This way, I can devote my energy to the stuff I care about and if I’m tired when I go to work, that’s fine. But I don’t want to be tired when I’m making my art.

And even at 22 hours a week, I’ll still be making enough to pay for the important things while I get back on my feet. It means I can start saving, pay off my debts, and buy things like a camera, computer and printer/scanner. I won’t be able to save any of my pay from the job, but it means all of my income from the business can go towards that, and that’s frigging awesome. I’ll be back on my feet in no time!

Oh, I’m pretty happy about all this right now. I’ll still be pretty tired in a few months, and I don’t think I’ll be able to do both for more than 6 months, but 6 months is all I need.

First things first though, I definitely need a camera. I can’t take all the pretty pictures that I want to, or photograph my artwork or anything. Next – I want to ship all of the nude paintings here so I can repaint them.

Yeah that’s right – I said repaint them. A couple I’m happy with, but the rest, I ran out of time before the show to do what I wanted with them. Now I’ll have plenty of time to pretty them up and put final touches on them.

I also want to start a new series of PEI, and I’ve still got my self imposed art lessons to do. I’ll need to start ordering those books as well, particularly for the painting portion of it.

For the first time in a few weeks, I finally really, really feel like everything is going to be okay.  I finally feel like I can do this.

I also decided to have a conversation with my business last night, because hey, I’m weird like that. I was mad at it because I felt like it’d let me down and it was mad at me because it felt abandoned. We’ve got some stuff to work out, some new plans to be made. We need systems and plans. We probably just need Cairene Macdonald from Third Hand Works.

I’m currently on her site and everything she’s talking about is making me drool. I suck at systems. Especially keeping them in place. I need structure. She just makes all of her stuff sound so juicy and delicious. I’m practically getting excited about systems and time management. Either I’m really sad, or she’s really good.

For now though, I”m going to get ready for work, and then go buy some groceries before tomorrow – Hurricane Bill is on it’s way and I’m pretty excited. I get the day off work and I’m going to sit inside and watch my very first hurricane. (Well, kinda – it’ll be hurricane-ish. Might just be lots of rain and wind for a couple hours. But still! Pretty stoked.)

Hope you all have a fabulous weekend!

I am so totally in lurve with my new apartment. I’m pretty sure it’s actually heaven. It’s perfect for me and Jesse and we’ve already turned it into our home in a matter of days. Although admittedly, I’ve gotta sort out the overwhelming mound of clothes in the closet. What can I say? I’m a girl.

But first – pictures!

Living Room

Living Room

Me sitting in the living room

Kitchen!

Our lovely kitchen

Me cooking. My apron says "Will Cook For Bling".

Bedroom

My art on the walls already!

Starfish!

They're weird. Seriously. Freak me out.

Welcome to my life in Prince Edward Island. It’s heaven, and constantly getting better.

It is finally summer here. Oh my goodness. It’s been a cold, long, miserable spring, and I’ve been seriously displeased. But yesterday, summer burst into full swing and the trees have suddenly bloomed, the flowers are out, and the heat is here. Took it’s sweet time, but whatever. This year, I may even be slightly tanned! (Normally I’m somewhere between blue and clear 95% of the year. I’m English. It’s not my fault.)

This week has been extremely short, because in Canada last weekend was Victoria Day, so I took a 3 day weekend, and spent it with Jesse and friends. It was a nice break, but it means this week flew by.

I launched my first email campaign!

Six months ago, if you’d asked me to do an email campaign, I could have told you any number of things I’d rather do – hack my leg off with a spoon, eat dirt, headbutt mountain goats, swim with hungry sharks, sleep in a bed of hot coals…I could go on if you like, but I think you get the idea.

It absolutely terrified me. I thought I’d just make people mad at me (yes, I realize that people sign up to hear from me, but this isn’t a rational fear here. This pure, unadulterated illogic.) I thought hell would have to freeze over before I’d have the guts to send out an email newsletter. The idea that I sent out an email newsletter selling things? Good God. Let’s not even go there.

But this week I did it. And not only did I do it, I actually sold stuff! And people said they enjoyed my email! How absolutely miraculous is that?

The thing is, I decided to just be myself in my email – friendly, goofy, silly. I didn’t want it to be all “SELL SELL SELL!” Because then I’d feel like a sleazebag. And even though I didn’t go all car salesman on my mailing list, I still sold stuff!

Oh the wonders of just being yourself. Never ceases to amaze me.

I cleaned my room!

I went in yesterday and did some serious decluttering. The major point of contention for me was my closet – it’s the first thing you see when you walk in my room, and there was so much stuff pouring out of it that you couldn’t even get the door closed anymore.

Messss.

More mess!

Closet of Doom

Overwhelming, isn’t it?

So I pulled everything out and sorted through it. I couldn’t believe the crap that was in there. I got rid of dresses I didn’t want, and skirts that didn’t fit. I threw out shoes I knew I would never wear again.

And then there were the crafts – bead looms with the half finished bracelets still attached to them that I hadn’t looked at since I was 13. Metalwork jewellery sets that I hadn’t looked at since I was 11. My old dance shoes from when I was 10. Seriously! Why in the heck do I still have those? I know it’s got nothing to do with me. My mother likes to keep pretty much everything for sentimental value and who knows, I “might need it someday.”

I cleared out so much room that I could actually fit a lot of my extra paintings in the closet, and now I actually have – wait for it – floor space! Gasp!

What really shocked me the most though was how emotional I got afterward. I was a complete wreck for the rest of the day. The clearing of the space opened up a whole new can of worms and it took me a while to process it. Actually, I’m still processing it, so there may be a post about that next week.

I’ve got my rent money!

This is a short Yay! but a big one. I was really worried that I wouldn’t have enough to make rent. Thanks to my sales promotions this week, I’ve almost got enough and definitely will by the time June 1st rolls around. So woohoo for that! Me making money! It’s pretty awesome.

That’s it for me this week! I’m off to enjoy a very sunny weekend. See you all on Monday!