Eleven years ago today, I got sick. The emotional effects didn’t hit me till weeks later, but today was the day it started – 11pm at night, suddenly awake and feeling ill. And then that feeling just never going away. It’s been a long road to the place where I am now. Last year felt monumental – a whole decade. Christ, I thought, that’s a long … [Read more...] about An anniversary, remembering and moving forward
Healing Emotional Wounds
(I wrote this months ago and filed it away in a random folder on my computer, titled "Manifesto". I just found it again and knew I had to share it.) I believe that there is a light inside of you, just waiting to shine. I believe that there is something inside you, dying to thrive. I believe that no matter what kind of shitty hand you’ve been … [Read more...] about Come on, show me your light.
Five weeks ago, I began the process of healing my body and mind from past sexual abuse. Some people in the comments have assumed it happened as a child. It didn't. It happened 5 years ago. I was incredibly naive and had no idea what was happening to me or how to explain it. I blamed myself. It hasn't been until the last couple of years that … [Read more...] about Permission to fail, granted.
Usually I'm a yoga person. I love stretching my body and feeling myself fall into happy alignment. I get an annoyingly chipper post-yoga high. It usually involves skipping. But lately, as I heal from the sexual abuse in my past, I've found myself less and less inclined to hit the mat. The days stretched into weeks and then into … [Read more...] about Walk it off.
I've had a few people look at me cockeyed since announcing on Wednesday that I was going to back off of my self-promotion efforts because of my healing process. "So what you're trying to tell me is, that even though you need $18,000 to get to France this summer, you're going to stop promoting your art?" Well, yes and no. I mean, I did … [Read more...] about Sometimes backwards is the right way to go
So I'm just going to out and say it: Things have not been pretty here at S. M. Lacy Art headquarters the past few weeks. Quite frankly, I'm sort of falling apart. I leave for France 2 months today. Which is all kinds of fabulous and terrifying at once. Mostly fabulous. Except for the part where I need lots and lots of money. That part is … [Read more...] about How to promote yourself while falling apart emotionally.
I had a mind blowing epiphany and shift yesterday and I really wanted to share it with you, in case it might help you reframe something painful from your own life. I've spent the last 5 years walking around with a whole ton of guilt and shame from the abuse of a previous relationship. The guy I was with was a master manipulator. Everything, … [Read more...] about The Sunday Hug: You’re stronger than you think
I've been super busy this week but really wanted to post something to the blog, so decided to make a video! I actually decided to paint and talk. Possibly not my best idea ever. I'm not even sure if there's a point to this video at all. I sort of ramble. And by sort of, I mean, a lot. And then I change topics half way through. It's … [Read more...] about I decide to paint & talk – don’t try this at home, kids.
I have my modeling audition today. I'm not really nervous anymore. (What's the worst that can happen? They say no? Big whoop. I'm more worried I'll put my foot in my mouth, or faceplant it.) There are a lot of tangled threads here that I'm still working out. Thread #1 - The Idea that I am Beautiful This thought actually fills me with shame. … [Read more...] about Unraveling Beauty
Bad Dreams I woke up this morning feeling humiliated, broken, hunted. It took me a few minutes to realize it was only a dream. I can't seem to shake it though. As I sit here writing, drinking my cup of tea, I still feel shaken. I still feel shaky, and a little bit nauseous. I don't want to remember the things in my dream - I don't want to … [Read more...] about Ms. Positivity Sunshine Pants be damned.
It's been a long month. I'm still not sure if I'm ready to write this, ready to be here. I feel raw, vulnerable. Putting my Self, my words out in the world right now - it's scary. There's a hard knot in the pit of my stomach that only wants us to keep on hiding. I can't though. There's life outside and I'm feeling the urge to participate again, … [Read more...] about Reclaiming.
Oh helplessness. You and me have a long, and colorful history. You've been by my side, hanging out for over 9 years now. And I'm sure that you've served a good purpose, somewhere, somehow. I'm sure you've tried to protect me in some way.But it might be time for you to move along now, and go search for new horizons. Or at least take early … [Read more...] about Helplessness
I've been awake since 3am, my mind churning. Every single cell in my body is yelling "Stop! Turn around! Go back!" On November 20th, I finished my job at the smoothie bar and health food store. I quit with the intention of following my passion, my art. Do you know how much art I've done since then? One piece. One 8x10 commission for Christmas. … [Read more...] about Asleep at the wheel.