I’m not normally big on the forced gratitude thing, but as I sit here, full of apple pie, ham and cheesy potatoes, you can’t help but at least be grateful for apples and cinnamon.

So, in the spirit of this weekend, I’m going to humour the Hallmark gods and list a few things that I’m grateful for today.

1. Where I live.

Because I have been living on my own for 2 months with no natural disasters, broken bones, missing fingers or death by starvation.

I think we can call that a win.

It still boggles my mind that I’m here, 1800 kms away from where I grew up, living in my own apartment, paying my bills, eating food and painting away. Seriously – blows my mind. I was never supposed to do this.

So take that doctors and naysaysers of the world. Take that.

2. I’m painting again!

After a year of the most painful art making of my life, I’m back on track and loving every single second. Creativity has become the most gleeful process and I’m getting better every day. The pieces that I’m finishing, even the awful ones, are still things that I love and treasure.

I love life.

3. A boyfriend who elbow greases the kitchen for me when I’m at work.

I had to work 3 days on the run because a coworker was sick, and I was freaking exhausted. I stumbled home to an empty apartment, knowing that I’d find dishes and a dirty kitchen waiting for me that I just hadn’t had the time or energy to deal with.

I came home to a sparkling kitchen, reorganized for total efficiency and a teacup waiting so I could make a cup of tea as soon as I came in the door.

*Swoon*

I love him so much.

4. Life. Me. The stuff that makes up my life. The blessings I’ve had.

This is a cheesy one, I know. And I apologize for the record high cheese levels I just hit.

But even on the days when I feel stuck, down in the dumps, frustrated, sick and tired, a part of me knows that for a lot of people looking in, I live this charmed life.

I have a boyfriend I love, I’m doing work I love, I’m slender and relatively attractive, I’m living where I want, doing what I want, and have absolutely not a single regret about my life.

That’s more than most people get in a lifetime. So I’m grateful to me for taking the risks to create this life and I’m grateful to the Universe (or whatever you’d like to call it) for helping me out and blessing me with a good head, some skill and the determination to put it to use.

Let’s hope I continue to do so.

Cheers to you all on this sunny, crisp Canadian Thanksgiving Monday.

Some stuff went down yesterday, stuff that threatened my dreams. I want to move out in a few months with my boyfriend, but we’re running into money troubles. You know, the economy and stuff (i.e. The Apocalypse).

It was suggested that maybe we wouldn’t be able to leave, that there wasn’t enough money, that there weren’t enough jobs, that there just wasn’t enough, period.

I’m sorry, but if you think that at this point in my life I’m going to let something like money stop me from doing what I want, then you’ve seriously underestimated the power of my stubbornness.

I have been to hell and back in the last 8 years. I’ve had life throw me almost every curve ball it could. Life has beaten me down to within an inch of my life. I’m sure as hell not letting something like the economy stop me now.

I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever give up. End of story. I don’t care what kind of excuses you give me, what kind of reasons for my failure, anything, it doesn’t matter. I’m not budging. This is the life that I want, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get it.

I will work night and day. I’ll stop sleeping. I’ll only pee on a schedule. Whatever.

I chose this life with my eyes wide open. I knew that it wouldn’t be easy. I knew that I’d be fully responsible for myself. I knew that it was never going to be a life of conventionality, and that it was going to twist and turn, and maybe throw me on my head sometimes.

But I have not regretted one single day since I made that choice. I have never woken up and thought, Gosh, I’d probably be so much happier if I just worked in a cubicle.

I’ve never regretted having no money. Oh, I’ve been worried and terrified, don’t get me wrong. But regret has never come into it.

This life fills me up, the way nothing else ever could. Even on the bad days, I’m happier than I would be working a “normal” job in an office for a corporation. I chose happiness over riches.

But that sure as hell don’t mean I won’t be rich. My life may not look like much right now, but I believe in myself. I don’t give a damn if the rest of the world thinks I’m crazy and headed for trouble, I believe that I’m going to be okay.

I don’t think I’m going to be broke forever. I don’t even think I’m going to be broke for that much longer. Things are shifting in my life at a most startling rate, and what may be true right now may no longer be true a week from now. Maybe even 5 minutes from now.

But the last thing in the world that I’m doing now is backing down. I’m not giving up on my dreams. I’m not going to go running back to conventionality and get a normal job. I’m just not budging. I’m too damn stubborn.

I’m going to fight for what I want. I’ve been fighting for 8 long years, and half the time against myself. I’ve spent 8 years fighting the urge to become something bigger, to let my own light shine. Well now that I’ve finally stopped fighting myself, I’ve got lots of extra energy.

Now, I’ll be fighting hopelessness and desperation. I’ll be fighting negativity and pessimism. I’ll be fighting for dreams worth living and hopes worth saving. I’m armed with a bat and pom poms and I am unstoppable. (Diane knows what I’m talking about.)

The one thing that I believe in more intensely than anything else is everyone’s right to live their dreams and to be happy. I’ve spent so long being told by almost everyone around me that my life was over, and that it was practically a write off in terms of meaning and joy. My only wish is that no one else ever has to feel that way.

So I’m not giving up. I obviously can’t fix other peoples lives for them (oh for a magic wand that produced bubbles and healed pains), but I can live as an example. I can continue to push for what I want, and to stubbornly say no to a small and miserable life.

I will succeed. I will never back down. And goddammit, I will be happy.

So who’s with me?

So yesterday, we talked about old patterns and feeling like a burden. Today, we’re going to talk about creating some space, shifting and moving forward.

Creating space – literally

Obviously, none of you have seen my room (unless of course, you’re one of the few people from my “real life” who reads this blog).

Let me try to describe to you my room – it’s like living in a tin of sardines crowded. It’s 9′x11′, and it’s got two desks, a night table, a bed, a dresser, and a piano in it. It’s also currently covered in piles of paper, notes, sketchbooks, paints, brushes, make up, CD’s and pillows.

My room. There was a hurricane I think.

Notice that there’s not a whole lot of room for me in there.

Oh and I got a new easel this Sunday for my birthday (she squealed with excitement) except the only problem is….it’s huge. Which is what I wanted, because now I can paint gigantic paintings. But there is absolutely no room left, so right now, it’s just sitting in the middle of the room being used as storage. Not exactly effective.

And for the record, I’d like to note that I’m a neat freak. This is driving me nuts. The energy in the room feels dead, lifeless, stale. I barely even go in there anymore because it’s just so overwhelming. I can’t face it. Something needs to change.

I think we need a purging. Think the Spanish Inquisition for bedrooms. There shall be a reckoning my friends. Oh yes, there will.

Self care

One of the things that I am most bestest at in the whole wide world is ignoring myself and my needs. Seriously. I’m like a genius at it. So I’m going to start learning to take care of myself by instating a self care regimen.

Every morning, when I get up, I’ll spend an hour alone writing. Then, yoga for half an hour, so that my body as well as my mind is taken care of. After that, writing here for an hour, and then the web design work to keep me in canvas.

But from now on, there is a strict no web design/internet after 1:30pm. And on busy days, not after 2pm. The rest of my day will be dedicated to creativity.

First, meditation for 15 minutes – after doing work for other people (as much as I love my clients) I need to sit down and recenter myself. Then some play time – doodling for half an hour or so, dancing around to loud music, and just generally being 5 years old.

After that, hours of creativity stretch ahead of me. Time for me. Time for enjoyment and creation and a celebration of life.

Slowly, day by day, I hope to stretch that creative time from a few hours, to many, many more.

Money! My favourite.

Another area that I need to do some purging and create some space is in finances. Ohh finances. How you make me shake with fear.

I want to sit down and go through my money. I need to sort through it, figure out how much I have going out and just how terrifyingly little I have coming in. I’m scared to do it, because I’m afraid it might be hopeless.

Part of my brain is yelling, “No! You can’t do this! If you actually look at those numbers, you’ll be broke forever!” Which makes absolutely no sense. My fear seems to equate knowledge of finances with the end of time. Seriously. It thinks that if I crunch those numbers and figure out exactly where I stand, it’s going to trigger the Apocalypse.

The fear doesn’t want me to know about my money, because what it’s really afraid of is that I’ll start to make more money, that I’ll start to take care of myself in every way. It doesn’t like that – it thinks that it’s wrong, that terrible things will happen.

They won’t. The fear is wrong. Again, this is about pushing away the foggy clouds of mystery, and shining a light on what’s really happening in my wallet. It’s about creating more space for me to live and breathe in.

All of this is about happiness

This is about creating the life that I want. This is about creating a life that makes me jump out of bed every day because I am so excited to be alive.

This is about learning to live my life for me again.

Yesterday I went for coffee with Chris Pew to discuss my lessons. I walked to the local mall, to meet him at the Timmies there. Walking along the sidewalk in the sunshine, I have never felt so joyous. My heart was light, and I was smiling and happy. There was a space inside, a space of healing and love and tenderness.

My life felt like it had softened. I never want this feeling to end. Today, my heart still feels full of life and light. I am loving the whole damn world today.

Sure, I’ve still got some work to do, some healing left, but it’s like the fissures in my soul are closing back up. It’s like the chasm between myself and the face I show the world is getting smaller and more of myself is coming through.

Welcome to my new life. I hope you all have a glorious time here.

Wow.

So I am finally sitting down to write this. Do you know what time it was when I first sat down to do this? 7:50am. Do you know what time it is now? 11:26am.

Apparently the Universe’s intention this morning was to just run me off my feet – I ended up going downtown with my mother at like freaking 8:30am to go register as a business, which is all well and good but it’s 8:30am and cold, and I’m not too impressed by that fact.

Oh but first, we had to find the rabbit in the basement because one of them escaped.

Then I get home, I’m on the phone for like 15 minutes talking to Jesse and making sure that he’s still alive because he sounded like the undead yesterday on the phone he was so sick, and the second I hang up, I discover I have a message from my doctor telling me I have to go pick up some forms to fill out for the disability stuff for Monday.

Oh and I have about 45 minutes to get it before they close. I also have to walk because there is nobody else home. (Yeah, I don’t drive. Bet you didn’t know that.)

So I walked. You know what it is with the windchill right now? Freaking -12 C.

I cannot feel my ears I am so cold.

I also had to dodge tree branches falling from the sky and large noisy trucks because the city is trimming the trees outside my house.

If anyone else tries to make me go outside today, I will kick them. I swear to god, I will.

Umm, so anyways. On to the good stuff!

So many wonderful things this week

I got another website client.

I got pretty things from Heather.

I spent two hours on Skype with Joely Black last night, which I wish I’d recorded because she’s a genius and inspiring and seriously, my house could have been collapsing around me and I wouldn’t have cared because she makes me feel so much better about my life.

I’m getting lessons with Chris Pew, which is making me intensely excited right now, because I need a project to throw myself into. Plus we’re putting on a show together, which is completely exciting. He’s basically gonna whip my artistic ass into shape, which is good, because it’s getting flabby.

My other website client doesn’t completely hate all of the logo I designed for him, which is pretty close to a freaking miracle, because he’s very particular and, well, that just makes everything more – let’s say, challenging.

I managed to stay open to the Universe. Which is intensely hard for me, but I managed it.

I’m actually going to register as a real business. Which is amazing because I’ll start to take myself and my dreams and goals more seriously I think.

The enterprise centre in my town, where I went to get all the info about registering as a business, upon finding out that I design websites, is going to start sending a lot of the new businesses to me to get their websites made. Awesome.

I got to spend quality time with one of my closest friends last night. And another close friend the night before.

Mary has sold over $4000 worth of tickets. She has paid for the theatre and then some – she’s got $2000 left over to pay for everything else. And between now and the end of March, she’ll definitely sell more tickets. We stood and jumped up and down in happiness for like five minutes over this fact.

Mary’s family is also commissioning me to paint her new kitten, which is completely exciting. Also, to draw her dad a tattoo. Yeah, that’s right I do everything. I’m like the Renaissance wrapped up into one person. (Not.)

An interesting conversation

I had a conversation with my inner artist this morning. She’s mad at me. Really, really mad at me. She feels neglected, ignored, invisible. She feels unloved.

I feel like a terrible parent.

She feels like we never have fun anymore. It’s all just work, work, work. I’ve turned my art into work, and she is not impressed. She wants to play. She wants to experiment. She wants to be creative, live creatively, live curiously.

So I’ve gotta make some changes before she mutinies altogether. She’d almost stopped speaking to me as it is.

We have four hours of play time together every day. This means painting, creating, doodling, sketching, drawing, splattering, collaging, whatever, for four hours every single day. It will no longer be called work. It will be called play.

We have permission to experiment, to dabble, to dillydally, to noodle around. We don’t have to paint a masterpiece. We’re allowed to make mistakes. We don’t have to finish anything. We just have to show up and make stuff.

She’s pretty happy with this arrangement. In fact, I’d say she’s ecstatic. She can’t wait to sit and play for four hours a day. Maybe I’ll start wearing a crazy hat or something. Get really wild. I do have a red superhero cape. Maybe I’ll wear that.

And an update, as I promised on Monday, about giving my inner control freak something else to play with – oh yeah. It worked. I’m still in flow (despite the occasional mini-freak out) and things are still going well. I’m feeling fantastic and ready to take on the world. Woohoo!

Alright everyone, I hope you have a great weekend and I will see you on Monday!

"The River Dee II" © Sarah Marie Lacy. 11x14 acrylic on canvas, $400.00 framed

Lots and lots of awesome, yummy stuff going on. Yippee! Dance with me!

Pretty things and websites!

Last week the delightful Heather of h’artworks and I exchanged love by mail. And by “exchanged love” I mean, I sent her a Valentine’s card with lots of loving and an alpaca, and she sent me a note and the most delightful, darling little splatter painting/canvas/wall hanging/thingee-ma-doo-dad that I’ve ever seen. I actually don’t know what you’d call it, because it’s several marvelous things all in one! It’s now hanging over my bed, sending me love while I sleep.

Pretty things from Heather!

And because I’m an idiot I forgot to take a picture of the other side which is blue splatters with a star burst-ey shape in it and is equally pretty. Either way, it just makes me super happy!

I may also be getting the chance to do some more web design! I have an embarrassing obsession with great design, so I’m crossing my fingers. Yay for doing new things!

But the most awesome, exciting thing ever is…

I get to learn stuff and paint naked people!

So I’ve talked about him before, and if you let me, I’ll rant on about his art incessantly, but I took a deep breath last week and emailed my friend Christopher Pew about art classes.

I definitely have no money to pay for classes and kinda figured I’d just save up for them.

Well because the world is smiling on me and Chris is the most awesome guy in the world, he’s going to teach me at no upfront cost. We’re tentatively planning an art show together in a few months, and from whatever I sell, I’ll just give him a chunk of cash.

All the capital letters and exclamation points in the world could not describe to you how freaking excited I am right now. I’m a compulsive learner and now I get to absorb all of his smart, creative genius.

The only thing I have ever wanted to do is learn how to paint like Velasquez. I could probably go on about Velasquez’s art for even longer than I go on about Chris’s.

Let me give you an idea.

Old Woman Frying Eggs, Velasquez

He painted this at 19.

He painted this at 24.

The Waterseller of Seville, Velasquez

You may be sitting there, saying to yourself, “Holy, set the bar high enough, Sarah?” Yeah, I probably have. But I’m sure as hell never gonna be bored.

I once wrote a ten page essay about a single Velasquez painting (Las Meninas, in case you’re wondering. Oft considered by art historians and critics the world’s best painting. There endeth today’s art history lesson, children.)

Chris’s art is almost as divine. (Sorry Chris, but Velasquez is my hero. No one will ever measure up to him in my eyes.) But still, look at this.

Nude on Throw, © Christopher Pew

Just look at it! Don’t you want to eat this up? Or is that just me?

We’re going to be doing tons and tons of life drawing and painting. I love to paint from life, so every time I think about these lessons, I keep doing this crazy dance and clapping my hands and jumping up and down.

I’m going to learn stuff! And hone my craft! And become awesome! Yay! Sorry if my excitement is knocking you down from here. I feel like a hyperactive goldren retriever right now.

Internal Settings

So as you can see, this is lots of awesome stuff. Between last weeks selling of things and this weeks multitude of wonders, I’m just rolling in happy hay right now. (Uhh…that’s not a euphemism for like…cocaine or weed or something. It’s just a metaphor. Seriously.)

But as I talked about yesterday, I sometimes forget that I’m standing in a river of abundance and start staring at the sky.

I can feel myself starting to stare at the sky, as my heart and mind close off to the possibility of anymore good coming my way. “This is it,” they say. “All of our good stuff is done now. Maybe in a few months we’ll get some more.”

And I’m jumping up and down trying to get their attention and tell them that no, it doesn’t have to end! More good stuff can happen! More awesome can come our way! But they’re turning away, distracted by a pretty cloud.

They’ve stopped listening and now they’re just closing up, and shutting down. I tried to talk to my internal settings this morning, but it turns out he’s just a snotty butler on a power trip named Jeeves. (Don’t even ask.)

He told me that to change my internal settings, I had to sync all of my different parts up. Maybe I need to hold a conference with me? I’m not really sure. I don’t want to shut down, I want to stay open and in flow. I want to remember that I’m standing in a freaking river.

In the meantime, I’m gonna go back to celebrating the awesome things!

I’ve been doing a lot of work around money lately. With my wanting to move out and actually make enough money to support myself, it’s in the forefront of my mind. But so is all of it’s ickyness.

Places of Stuck

When I think about what I associate with money, again and again, I think scary, dangerous, powerful. And what I’ve been taught is that things that are powerful should be avoided. In fact, you should outright run away from them. See something powerful? Run in the opposite direction. Immediately. Hiding is what’s best.

Except that’s not really serving me anymore. And by “really not serving me” I actually mean, “doing me crazy amounts of harm.”

An Idea

While I was journaling about it this morning, an idea hit me. When working with Havi’s stuff, like her Emergency Calming Techniques, or really, anything that Havi teaches you about working with your emotions, she talks about meeting yourself where you are and being unimpressed by your emotions and problems. Not dismissing them, but not letting them define you either. (Really, if you want a better explanation of this, go to her. She is much smarter.)

But what I thought was – what if I could be unimpressed by money? Not just my money stuck, but money in and of itself? What if I could remind myself that it’s a tool?

I’m probably not going to start worrying if I’ve got enough rakes to last the rest of my lifetime. So why should I be constantly worrying about money?

Now obviously, money is slightly different from rakes, or your power saw. Money does mean whether you have a roof over your head or not. But couldn’t remembering that it’s a tool give you just a little bit of a distance to it?

With a little bit of a distance, you can separate all of your fears and worries and associations from the actual money itself. And then you can go off and work on that stuck, without necessarily bogging down the physical thing itself.

This could be a terrible idea. But something about it appeals to me.

Being Open

Another thought occurred to me while writing – I was talking about how I really wanted my sudden inflow of money to continue, and that I liked it.

And suddenly this voice came up and asked, “But are you even open to it continuing?” and I thought…Oh lord. No. I’m not.

I’ll have these times when I’m suddenly flush with money – I’ll have like a billion commissions all at once, I’ll sell a bunch of paintings, whatever, and I’ll have money. It’s nuts.

And then I’ll spend it all – not on crazy stuff, but on the things I need to build my business, or paying off debt, or maybe a little treat to myself because, hey, I freaking sold stuff.

Then it’s gone. And all I can think is, “Oh, well there goes my money. Don’t know when I’ll be seeing that again. Won’t be around for a while.”

I don’t expect the flow to continue. I don’t expect more to come in.

I kind of see it like this:

I’m standing in a river. Every once in a while, I relax enough to realize that I’m standing in a river, and turn to welcome the flow into my life.

Then I spend all my “flow”, forget that I’m in a river, and start doing something silly like stare at the sky. It never occurs to me that if I stayed relaxed and open to the flow of the river that the flow would just keep on coming.

It doesn’t have to happen and then stop for 6 months. It could continue, again and again.

This kind of baffles my mind. It thinks that anything good has to end (we could go for hours about how that kind of thinking came to be) and that if I get something good for a while, tomorrow, it’ll be gone.

But what if?

What if that’s wrong? What if I’m standing in a virtual river of money all the time, but I just choose not to see it? What if I’m standing in a virtual river of anything all the time and I just never see it?

I’m not trying to get all preachy, or go into Law of Attraction mode. It just makes me wonder how many opportunities I’ve missed because I just decided that, “Oh well, that’s all my good luck and abundance for the year, maybe next year I’ll get some more.”

Maybe I’m allowed more than that.

Maybe I can be more than that.

If you know me, you know that one of my least favourite things is to not be in control.

Letting go is by far the hardest thing for me to do. I’d rather wrestle a 10 foot croc than attempt to relinquish control.

Oddly enough though, that’s what I did all last week. I was too tired and too upset about a certain incident to even attempt to control my life. I gave up in a way – at least for that week. I needed time to rest and heal. I needed time to process.

And as I pointed out on Friday, the week where I got the least done ended up being the week where I’ve sold the most since September.

Crazy.

The thing is though, I’d like this whole selling thing to continue. But for it to continue, I have to make sure my control freak doesn’t get in the way. Because normally when she sees success, she rushes over to it and lies right on top of it.

She thinks she’s hatching an egg – she’s actually just squashing a plant.

So this morning, I decided that perhaps I would have a conversation with this crazy control freak of mine, and see if we couldn’t come to some sort of agreement.

Turns out, she really didn’t wanna talk

As I began writing and talking to her, I could feel this big wall coming up. This huge, “Oh hell no, we are not having this conversation.” I mean, I’d only asked her how she was, but she knew what was coming and she was not pleased.

Two seconds later, I ended up spilling an entire cup of tea all over my desk, which took me 15 minutes to clean up. (It was a really big mug, and got under and over everything.) It even got all over the piece of paper I was writing on.

She’s a devilish one, my control freak.

She really didn’t want to have this conversation.

I bullied her into it. I know you’re supposed to be gentle with yourself, but this part of me felt like it was only going to respond to someone stronger than her. So I ordered her to talk. It was like some bad detective movie – fluorescent bulbs and trench coats.

Me: Okay talk, kid. Why exactly do you have to control everything?

Control Freak: Because if I’m in control, then everything is safe.

Me: Safe? Hey, wait a second...are you just my fear wearing a different hat?

Control Freak: Uhh…(looks the other way)…Maybe. Yeah. Um. Probably. Definitely.

Me: (Sigh.) I thought we’d already talked about this…I get that you’re scared. I get that. And I’ve told you that you can stay, and that I love you. But don’t you see that we want success? That we want to sell things and share them with people? That this is everything we’ve always dreamed of?

Control Freak: Yes, but we don’t want to do it this way. We don’t want any of this organic, natural growth. Nothing unexpected. We need to control it, so we know what it’s doing and it doesn’t go too fast.

Me: You do realize that by trying to control the growth that you kill it completely? And then we end up with no success at all?

Control Freak: Well, at least that’s predictable. At least that’s expected. I mean, let’s face it, nobody thinks you can do this anyway.

Me: That is so not true anymore. Lots of people believe that we can do it. We have like, several billion people on our side now. There’s only a few who don’t think we can do it.

Control Freak: Okay, whatever you sayy.

Me: Grumble, grumble, grumble, stupid control freak. Grr.

Let’s try this again

Me: So, I’m guessing that you’re not going to just voluntarily relinquish control of our success?

Control Freak: Bingo.

Me: Can we do a trade or something? Like if I give you something else to control, would you be willing to give up control in return for that?

Control Freak: Maybe. Depends.

Me: If I give you control of exercising, nap time, meditating, the Artist’s Way and play time, will you give up success? I mean, come on, that’s 5 things for one. Five.

Control Freak: And I get to control them completely? Like, if I say “Go yoga right this second!” you’ll hop to it and go yoga? Or if I tell you to go nap? Or to slow down and enjoy yourself? You’ll listen? Because you never listen to me on this success stuff. You’re always ignoring me. It means I have to yell louder.

Me: I promise that whatever you ask me to do in those areas, I will listen and do it straight away. I promise you that.

Control Freak: Alright then, you have yourself a deal.

So we’ll see how this goes

Hopefully by giving my inner control freak something more helpful and productive to play with, she’ll start to leave all the success stuff alone, and allow my life to just get on with itself.

Last week, despite getting so little done, I felt in flow. I finally felt like I wasn’t standing in my own way. I was just standing, accepting where I was and not forcing anything. And things worked out anyways.

Now I just have to see if I can consciously stay in that place, without internally seizing up again.

I’ll let you guys know how it goes!

So yesterday, as you can all see, was not exactly a brilliant day.

But it did force me to make some choices. I felt so stuck, mired in all the exhaustion and shame and sadness, that I couldn’t really see clearly.

So I took a leap of faith. I think I had reached a point internally where I either leaped or plummeted.

So I leaped.

I emailed Naomi at IttyBiz, and told her my situation – I am dirt broke, between a rock and a hard place and I need to be outta my house within 6 months, or I’m going to implode.

And because she’s Naomi and absolutely wonderful, she helped me out. So I’ve signed up for Marketing School 101 and I’ve got one hours coaching time, where we are gonna sit and storm brains and come up with a “Get Me The Hell Outta Here” Plan.

I felt tons better after doing that, despite all the ‘Oh my god, I spent money!” pangs afterwards. But it felt like such a right thing to do that today, I’m okay with it. I feel good about it.

In fact, I’m feeling downright hopeful.

And I also realized yesterday that if I’m feeling all this sticky-stuck then I really need to start taking better care of myself. So this morning, I meditated, did some yoga, and wrote my morning pages and felt decidedly more peaceful after wards. Centered, calm, and able to take on the day.

And I had the most interesting conversation with my morning pages.

I would say that I had a conversation with the Universe/God/Whatever, but that sounds pretentious and like I think I’m Joan of Arc or something. I don’t. I’ll just call it a conversation with a smarter, wiser, more intelligent part of myself.

I was worrying about money (shocking, I know), and about how I felt like if I asked for more than a certain amount, this big, scary, stern God/Father figure would glare at me and say, “No!” in a booming voice. Like I was being told off by something inside of me for even asking for more than just enough. It made me feel like a child, wanting a new Barbie Doll and being told, “No, you’re being greedy. You’ve got enough. You don’t need anymore.”

But then I started wondering, what if this God/Father Figure/Universe thingy actually liked me? What if I’d gotten it wrong, and the world wasn’t like that at all? And that maybe, just maybe, this entity-thingy might even actually be on my side?

So I thought to myself, “Hey, why don’t I just ask it?”

Apparently the world has a sense of humour

Me: Hey, uhh…Universe/God thingy? Do you actually like me?
Voice: Yep.
Me: Do you actually want good things to happen to me?
Voice: Yep.
Me: Are you actually kind and nice and friendly?
Voice: Yep.
Me: I don’t believe you. Universe/God wouldn’t say things like “Yep.” I’m just talking to myself.
Voice: No, you’re not.
Me: The Universe/God is supposed to be all dignified and grand and all powerful. It wouldn’t say something like “Yep.”
Voice: Pffft, says who? I show up in the way that’s best for the person to take me seriously. Aren’t you more likely to listen to the voice that sounds like a friend, and is kind and has a sense of humour, than some big, scary, booming voice?
Me: Wait, you’ve got a sense of humour?
Voice: (Rolls eyes) Yes, I have a sense of humour. I made humans didn’t I?
Me: Oh. Fair point. I guess I just expected you to be more like my grandfather. All stern and booming and powerful.
Voice: Nope, I’m pretty friendly. In fact, I’m very friendly. I just want to help.

I had to kind of sit and process this for a while. It took me some time to wrap my head around it.

Everything will probably be okay

Me: So am I going to leave and move to my apartment by the sea? Will I have enough money? Is everything going to be okay?
Voice: No problem. You just gotta stop worrying about it. Your businesses will be thriving by the time you leave. And you’ll be happy and thriving too. It’s not half as scary as you think it is.

This needed some more processing – the idea that everything was going to turn out alright, and not completely blow up in my face.

The world is now actually scolding me

Me: I used to hate you. I was so mad that made me sick. Why did you make me sick?
Voice: Was there a better way to slow you down and get your attention, Speedy?
Me: Oh. I guess you have a good point there. But why did you want to get my attention?
Voice: Dance? Seriously? You thought you were gonna be a dancer? You knew, in your heart of hearts, that dance was wrong for you. True, you were good at it but not because it was right. Your old teachers were so determined that you be the next greatest thing that the only way to get you out was to stop you from dancing altogether.

And even then, they still wanted you to keep dancing. Art is what you were put here for. I had to get you to come back to that somehow. Speaking of which, you should probably get on that.
Me: Are you scolding me?
Voice: I’m just pointing out what you were put on this planet to do and that you’re doing an excellent job of avoiding it.
Me: Okay, I know, I know. But I’m just really worried about the money and leaving and just everything.
Voice: Yes, don’t worry, I have noticed. You keep asking for help and then either ignoring the help sent or spending so much time worrying that you don’t even notice the help that was coming to you. You just keep blocking it.

Relax!

If you just start taking tiny, daily steps towards your dream – you don’t need an elaborate plan – just tiny steps, actions every day in the direction of what you want, everything is going to work out just fine.
Me: But what’s the next step? What’s the right thing to do?
Voice: There is no “right thing”. Just do something! Anything! Whatever! I don’t care! Just get some movement going on and everything’s going to be alright.

And for pete’s sake, can you please just stop worrying? Everything is going to be fine.
Me: Promise?
Voice: Promise.

And that was it.

Over, done. My pages were finished, and the voice stopped talking. But that sense of reassurance, of hope and of protection are still here.

That feeling of, everything is going to be okay. I’m going to be okay. I don’t have to have all the answers. I just have to keep heading in the direction of my dreams.

It’s a good feeling.

Today, I am delightfully happy.

In fact, more than delightfully happy, and more importantly, I am hopeful.

Yesterday, I admit, I was absolutely miserable. Somehow I wrote a happy post anyways, but my allergies were awful and I’d had a less than happy conversation with someone close to me.

But today – oh today, I am glorious. I want to dance and skip and laugh loudly and throw snowballs and do cartwheels.

Today, my heart is filled with joy. Just filled, over the top, bursting and bubbling and giggling loudly.

I think that today calls for some Prince. Maybe some Billy Idol. Definitely Chilli Peppers. And some Matt Good “White Light Rock and Roll Review.” (You probably only know that one if you’re Canadian and about 27.)

I think I’m falling in love.

I talked yesterday about my own wall of shame. That wall of shame was seriously causing problems in my relationship with Jesse. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t able to let myself fall completely in love with him. It was always like half of me was running towards him and the other half was running away.

I thought there was something wrong with us. I kept worrying that it was my inner guidance warning me that this was wrong. I was plagued for years (literally) with worry.

On Sunday though, I realized that it was shame and fear that were dragging me away. It was the part of me that was so thoroughly ashamed of having loved and been hurt before that it was just desperately running in the opposite direction.

She was running away, dragging me and crying, “No, no, no. We can’t go there, we just can’t. It’ll hurt again. It’ll hurt so bad.”

This morning, I talked to her.

Me: “Oh sweetie. I totally understand why you’re scared. I know that you’re expecting to turn around and see this scary, horrible world, filled with terrifying images, pain and instruments of torture, sadness and hurt, like some horrid Heironymous Bosch painting.

Hieronymous Bosch - Hell

But sweetie, what you can’t see when you’re running away is that it’s beautiful here. It’s a place of growth and happiness, where life is flourishing and thriving. There are plants and flowers, rose bushes galore, and willow trees everywhere. There are ponds full of koi and swans swimming everywhere. And up on that hill is a beautiful, elegant, castle that is watching over everything, stable and magnificent. It’s safe here, if only you could see it.”

Bazille, Bord Du Lez

Shame: “Really?”

Me:”Really, really. Are you willing to take just a tiny, tiny, itsy bitsy little peek?”

Shame: “Yeah, okay. A tiny little peek” (Peeks over shoulder.) “Oh! It is beautiful. It does look pretty safe.” (she says, doubting a little bit.) “Can I look again?”

Me: “Of course you can!”

Shame: “It is very pretty. And it does look fairly safe. I can’t see anything really, really wrong with it.”

Me: “Do you think you could come hang out here for a while? Maybe try it out, temporarily? If you really hate it, we’ll leave, I promise. We’ll go straight away. But I think you should give it a shot.”

Shame: “Promise we’ll leave if it’s horrible?”

Me: ” Promise.”

And then it was like my entire body stopped fighting and struggling and relaxed. And this sweet, steady happiness filled me up. For the first time in over 2 years, I am allowing myself to fall in love without any shame or fear to hold me back. For the first time, it feels right too.

I am so happy, I could cry. And dance. And skip in puddles. It’s just the most beautiful feeling in the world.

And what makes it so much sweeter is this was the last frontier – this was the last obstacle, the last pain, left behind from the emotionally abusive ex. It was probably the biggest too. But now it’s gone, and only the sweetness of love is left in it’s place.

I never even thought I’d be in this place again. I never thought that I could heal, that I could completely walk away from the damage he caused. I am intensely grateful right now. Intensely.

I think I’m going to go paint. And spread the love. And laugh and smile and giggle. And then paint some more. And send hugs to the world!

I am healed! Hear me roar.

Yesterday was one of those delicious days.

Jesse has lent me his laptop for the week so that while my sister is home for exams and my dad is off work, I can still work on the computer, without having to do battle for our one PC.

Oh my gosh, this whole laptop thing is delightful. So this is why people get them.

I spent all of yesterday cocooned in my room, reading blogs, writing my own blog, hanging out at the Kitchen Table and healing.

Oh so much delicious healing. It was wonderful.

Things like letting my fear write a letter to me. And realizing that my fear just loves me and just wants to protect me and that more than anything, she just wants me to love her, and hold her close and tell her that I’m never going to leave her again.

Money stuff too – I now have a money fairy! Her name is Fiona. Seriously. Okay, so you now probably think I’m a complete loser, but it’s a lot harder to be scared and icky and awkward and stuck about money if it’s actually a fairy named Fiona who totally loves you and wants to bring you truckloads of money and lives in a cottage in my garden and is guarded by an alpaca.

Fiona the Money Fairy!

So take that, Poverty Fairy!

The Poverty Fairy used to live here. He was mean and tricksy and you couldn’t depend on him and he liked to mock you by sending you money and then taking it away again. You could never catch him and he was always running away from you and taking all of your money as well. Jerk.

So I politely asked him to leave and when he ignored me, I kicked him out. I’d had enough. Now Fiona lives here, in her turquoise and purple cottage full of whimsical sculptures and darling little furniture. And Fred the Alpaca guards her. Watch out for Fred, man. You mess with Fiona, he’ll spit on you.

Shame

There’s been this thing that’s been bothering me for a long time. I won’t go into details, but it was definitely a pattern, and a pattern that worried me.

Yesterday, I finally put my finger on it – shame. Like Havi, I too have a wall of shame.

It stops me from connecting with people, because I am ashamed to show my vulnerability, my underbelly as it were. There was a time in my life when I was very exposed with one individual, when I gave him my heart on a platter, and he took it and tore it apart.

I’m ashamed of ever being that vulnerable or ever letting one individual have that kind of power over me. I loved him, and I’m ashamed of that.

But now, it’s getting in the way of letting others in. However, finding out that it’s just shame, and not my intense fear of “oh my god, I’m making the same mistake all over again” is such an incredible relief that I can’t really put it into words. It’s just my shame.

Shame I can talk to, shame I can heal. Shame can be unmade again. There is hope.

London Calling

One of the exercises in week 7 of the Artist’s Way is to go through magazines, ripping out images that catch your eye and then arranging them in a collage, in an almost visual representation of your past, present and future.

It was an interesting exercise. Again and again, images of confident, beautiful, independent women came up. A large butterfly, which I’ve always kind of felt a connection to – I love the idea of freedom, transformation and metamorphosis. Pictures of green fields, with the word “Escape” pasted beneath it – definitely escaping to PEI. The word “Artist”. A naked girl, showing my vulnerability right now – she’s dreaming of the future.

A woman asleep, who looked so peaceful, smiling in her sleep. Something else I yearn for. The phrases “Reclaim the Girl You Left Behind” and “Run Proud”. Both very self explanatory and rang true for me.

Then there were pictures of my favourite pattern and an ornate marble banister – I think for me, that represented luxury and beauty, things that I often deny myself, and yet absolutely adore. Beautiful things are so important to me, not in an artificial, shallow way, but in that they are things that I love and that enrich my environment and inspire me. Note that I didn’t say expensive – just beautiful. Even if it’s just a shell I found on the shore.

But then there is one phrase that has me completely baffled.

Right in the centre, I’ve pasted the words “London Calling.” Why? I haven’t the foggiest. I didn’t even realize that I’d done it until after I’d finished and stepped back. I don’t feel any specific urging to go to London, whether the Canadian version, or the English.

But at the same time, I feel like it’s significant, like it’s trying to tell me something important and I’m just not getting it. And no matter how long I stare at it, I still can’t seem to figure it out. It’ll probably hit me across the head soon, and seem completely obvious, and I feel like I should already know what it’s talking about, but I just can’t seem to figure it out.

Got any ideas? Throw them out there.

Today so far hasn’t been quite as relaxing as yesterday, but I’m still pleased with a lot of the progress I made yesterday.

I’m feeling stronger, more together and more at peace with myself and the world. And even the Universe agrees!

Yesterday, I decided to try some online I Ching, just for a lark. I asked it “What should I do next?” and this is what it said:

Cast Hexagram:

50 – Hexagram Fifty: Ting
The Caldron

Fire rises hot and bright from the Wood beneath the sacrificial caldron:
The Superior Person positions himself correctly within the flow of Cosmic forces.

Supreme Accomplishment.

SITUATION ANALYSIS:

Your needs are coming into harmony with the requirements of the Cosmos.
Blending brilliantly with the Dance of Life, you are becoming an actual element of Cosmic Law.
Your goals will now be realized because you no longer cut against the Cosmic grain; you are no longer swimming against the flow of the Tao.
You are acquiring an intuitive sense of what can and cannot be, and aligning your efforts accordingly.

It even tells me that I’m in harmony! How creepy is that? Completely creepy, seeing as how my intention for the year is harmony.

I’m feeling hopeful. Who knows what adventures await?