And another point is scored for the epiphany generating morning pages.

I was back on the topic of money again, because, as I stated the other day, I’m trying to improve my relationship with my wallet. So I was pondering my approach to money, and how I felt about it, and why I wanted to make money.

It seems like such a simple question at first – you’d think the obvious response was “to live.” Except money is so much more complicated than that (as I’m quickly learning.)

I realized that the reason I wanted to make money so badly was because I needed to prove everyone wrong. The way I saw it, if I could just somehow make lots of money, everyone who’d ever doubted me would realize that they were completely and totally wrong, and I could jump up and down and shout, “Nah nah nah nah nah nah!” in a petulant, childish voice, and everything would be better.

I was desperate for this. I felt like money was the only way I could prove the naysayers wrong. To prove to them that, yes, I am worthy. Yes, I am talented. Yes, I am independent and capable. All of these things that I’ve been talking about, and that, subconsciously, I’d monetized.

But what if I just made money for my own pleasure? What if I just wanted to make money for the sole reason of making myself happy? Not because I needed to prove anything, but just because with money, I could do more of the things that I love, like travel, or donate huge chunks of cash to CFS/ME research. Or move out, and live in a bunch of different places. Or buy things like the Dance of Shiva.

And what if everything I did was just to make me happy? How would that change things?

In that moment, it was like everything shifted. If I wasn’t making money to prove anything, I could just relax and make money because I wanted to. The pressure that has been weighing down on my soul for months, maybe years, was just…not there anymore. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

I only have to do things because I love them, and they make me happy.

And this is something that is so easy to get in theory, and so hard to apply in your own life.

I also realized that “proving myself” came up in other areas of my life, specifically my art. Why do I want to get in big famous galleries? To prove to everyone that A) I can do it, even though no one thought I could and B) my art is hip and “in” goddammit!

But if I don’t have to prove anything…well suddenly, I care a lot less. As long as the gallery is selling my work consistently, and I’m making a living, I don’t particularly care anymore where that gallery is, or what it’s name is, or if everyone thinks it’s noble and wonderful. If people do, then fabulous! But is that a deciding factor for me? No. Not anymore.

I feel like now, I can make my art for me, and share it with people because I love it. I don’t need someone’s approval that I’m good, or that I’m allowed to do this (encouragement and support however, will always be accepted with a smile and a hug!) But I don’t need to prove anything anymore.

Obviously, this whole new way of thinking will take a while to integrate. Right now, I have to keep reminding myself of it every time I can feel the tension creeping back, that feeling of “We have to prove everyone wrong and do everything right now, or we’ll fail!” Which is kind of a lot of pressure. And I never realized that I was pressuring myself quite that much.

So I have to keep reminding myself. But every time I say, “I only have to make money for my own happiness” its like every cell in my body relaxes. It’s almost a little unsettling how much better just saying that makes me feel about my life. Or even just “I don’t have to prove anything to anyone – I only have to do this stuff because I love it.”

I’d sucked all the joy out of my life with this constant barrage of pressure on myself. I was worried that maybe I’d fallen out of love with my art. Now I know that I’d just stopped letting myself love it.

*Big sigh of relief*

I can’t even describe to you how much better I feel. And because I feel so much better, we’re going to celebrate with an alpaca drawing and a reduced price!

I’d like to introduce you to, “The Happy Alpaca!”

Look! He's smiling!

The Happy Alpaca. Now only $25 US + free shipping.

This guy is so jolly. Just look at him, sitting there, grinning at you. He just loves life. Either that, or he’s really high. He’s feeling a little lonely though, and he’d like you to take him home.

Also, just because I am feeling so much extra happiness today, I’m going to reduce the prices on the other alpacas as well. Plus, I’m going to make a page here for them, so it’ll be easy to always find them. ‘Cause right now, you have to search, and that seems like a total pain in the ass.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go float off on a cloud of happiness. You’re welcome to hate me. It’s okay. I understand. I totally forgive you

Welcome to one artist's odyssey

On May 21st, I'm going on a quest. A quest for art, for meaning, for beauty, for truth. I'm picking up my life, packing up a suitcase and heading to rural France to live, paint and study art for the next 18 months.

Click here to find out how you can stowaway in my suitcase and join in the adventure!