Apparently, I have issues with it.

I never even realized, except when I was writing in my journal this morning, I wrote, out of nowhere, “There’s lots I could be doing to market myself, but I’m choosing not to.”

And I sat and stared at that sentence for a solid 5 minutes. Because:

1. I hadn’t even realized that I wasn’t doing enough to market myself. I just thought that I was boring and everyone hated me.

And

2. Why in the heck was I choosing not to market myself?! What is wrong with me?? If I was anyone else, I’d kick them.

So at that point, you kind of have to ask – Hey, Self? Why are we choosing not to market ourselves properly?

And the immediate response came back – because we don’t want to be seen.

Being Seen – It’s scary

Now that I see (excuse the terrible pun) that I don’t like being seen, so many things make sense.

My fear about doing that internet tv interview? Fear of being seen.

My fear about the opening of the nude show and giving a speech? Fear of being seen.

My fear about people buying my work? Fear of being seen.

My gut wrenching fear every time I send an email to my mailing list? Fear of being seen (and hated).

My hardly promoting the nude show at all? Fear of being seen.

It seems that without even knowing it, I’ve been self sabotaging because I really, really, really don’t want to be seen.

So, uhhh, now what?

I’m not really sure to be honest. Lately I’ve been practicing not fixing myself and just working on noticing myself. So when a big fear comes up, or a big sadness or stuck, I work on noticing it and paying attention without necessarily having to “fix it” straight away. (I’m trying to move away from thinking I need to be “fixed”, like I’m somehow broken. I’m not.)

So what do I notice about this fear?

It seems to be about receiving. Because it doesn’t matter that it’s good attention, it’s just any kind of attention. It’s mostly a desperate desire for the floor to swallow me up so that no one will notice me. So even people buying my work – I never even realized, but part of me doesn’t want them to. Because then they’ll see me. This is kind of a problem.

It’s also about being judged and hated. If people can’t see me, they can’t tell me how I’m awful and the wrong person and I should be ashamed of myself for even being -  I don’t even know. Being alive? Painting? Talking about my struggles? Breathing?

The thing is…

Both of these fears stop me from showing up for my Right People – the people who love my work and want to cover their entire house in it and celebrate my work every single day. Those people? I make it very, very hard for them to find me.

At the same time, despite my fear, I really want these people to find me. I want them to have my art, to have it make them happy or peaceful or relieved or soothed or whatever. I want them to come hang out on the blog, and sign up for my newsletter and email me and buy my work. I want it to be happy party times.

But you can’t hide and party at the same time. It doesn’t go so well. Especially when the party is celebrating something that you do. It’s hard to shine your light when you’re like, “Okay, we can shine the light, but only if we put a very large rock in front of it.”

Helpful? Not so much.

Negotiating

I’m going to commit to paying attention to this pattern. I’m going to commit to noticing it when it comes up, interacting with it when it freaks out and comforting it when it needs hugs.

I’m also going to commit to taking tiny, baby steps towards healing it. I hope that by working with it and gaining clarity about where it came from and what it needs, I’ll be able to let my own light shine a little bit more.

And then maybe my Right People won’t have to sit around turning over rocks to find me.