It’s one of those cool, damp end of March days. The kind where sitting inside drinking hot apple cider and reading books feels like the right course of action.

It also suits my somewhat crabby mood.

I’ve been feeling overwhelmed the past few weeks. First I took a week to finish the new site, and then it was my birthday, and then Jesse got sick and a few days later, I caught it too. I was only sick for a couple of days, but my body is what took the hardest hit – I’m exhausted, my CFS symptoms flaring up in response.

It’s my own damned fault though. I’ve been functioning in emergency mode since December. Even my Christmas “holiday” at home involved running around trying to see every possible person under the sun. I barely even saw my family. I just keep throwing myself into one project right after the other, always promising myself a vacation that never happens.

First it was a week in January, then it was a week in February and now it’s been pushed to May. My body’s rebelled. It wants a break now.

And yet, I don’t feel like I can do that. I’m supposed to be delivering 6 paintings to my gallery the first week of May, and I don’t even have the first 2 finished. Last week I was supposed to dive right into painting but because Jesse was sick, I was catching up on all the household chores myself (things got neglected while I built my site and worked with clients). I spent the days doing laundry, dishes and grocery shopping instead of painting.

Time and time again, I choose others and meaningless busy work over me and meaningful creativity. I’ve been choosing web design work over my art since December. I put everything on the back burner, promising myself that these sites would be done the first week of January, and then I’d paint for several months.

I finished the sites last week.

Which meant I spent an extra two months putting everyone else’s needs before my own. (This is in no way the fault of my clients. I’m just merely observing a pattern.)

I never put my foot down internally. I never said to myself , “this has got to stop.” I would drop everything for my clients. My life revolved around what came in my inbox. There was no structure to it. Just running from one emergency to the next, staring at the computer for 12 hours a day.

And now, my body is understandably yelling mutiny. It says it wants to rest, to relax, to do nothing at all. But because of my previous door-matting, I feel like I can’t do that. I feel like I need to push (Raa raa raa!) through to the end.

Which isn’t very kind to myself. But also how I’ve accomplished practically everything in my life so far. It’s how I got through high school – pushed and pushed and pushed, until I had a nervous breakdown. And then I pushed and pushed again. Until I finished. It took me an extra 2 years, but it’s the only way I know how to do stuff.

My first solo show? Painted 150 hours over 3 weeks. The Nude Show? Nearly killed myself finishing those pieces (and planning to move 1800kms across the country at the same time.)

I wonder if I think the only way I can motivate myself is by making everything an emergency. Like I think I’d just muck about, doing nothing unless there was an emergency to get my ass together. Interesting. I think that’s about spot on really. I leave everything to the last minute and then “AHHHH EMERGENCY” and push through to get it done.

Yep, that’s definitely a pattern. Interesting.

I wonder if I can manipulate that pattern somehow? I wonder what would happen if I took a painting vacation? Like, I’m only allowed to paint or rest for the next week. Nothing else. If I’m not painting, I’m resting, taking a break, relaxing, enjoying myself, seeing friends. Not answering emails, or…whatever other busy work I find for myself. I don’t even know what I do half the time, but I’m excellent at finding Very Important Busy Work.

I will be allowed 30 minutes of email per day. I can blog only if I really want to, not because I “have to”. And that’s it. Everything else is either painting or resting.

I think it just might work.

What do you think? How do you deal with overwhelm and constantly functioning in emergency mode? Do you give yourself vacations when you need them? Or do you struggle with that too? Leave ‘er in the comments!