Today, I’m going to write a very, very personal ad. It’s a little bit of a desperate personal ad. I’d almost classify this as a prayer, or maybe one of those wishes that you hope if you wish really really hard, it’ll come true.

This is a personal ad to my art. More specifically, to the part of me that won’t let me do it.

Let’s do this.

What I want.

Clarity. I’d really like to be able to see why I’m getting in my own way. This stuck just wants nothing to do with me. It keeps dodging my questions, avoiding my eyes. It’s like trying to find a needle in 10 haystacks. This stuck does not want to be found, it does not want to be identified and it sure as hell doesn’t want me having a conversation with it and dissuading it from its position.

So clarity would be brilliant.

Healing. Some healing of this stuck so I can get back to doing my thing already would be great. I just don’t understand. I spent a month painting, it was going really well, people were getting excited about my work, and then I just stopped. I took on other projects, walked away. I haven’t painted since the 18th of November. I’ve barely gone in my studio. I don’t get what happened. There’s something here that refuses to be seen. It irritates me.

Seriously, I just want to paint again. And I want to be able to paint again consistently and in a way that is sustainable for me. No more months painting every second I’m awake to do a show that is rushed. No more painting not at all and being blocked for months and months on end.

I want a sustainable creative practice wherein I spend 3 hours a day involved in creative acts. That’s all I can manage. But if I take care of myself and take those 3 hours at my peak creative time, I get a helluva lot done in that amount of time. I don’t need more than 3 hours a day. But I do need that 3 hours.

Help. I definitely could do with some help. But not judgmental “should-filled” help. Not preachy help. Not “you just need to suck it up and why aren’t you over it already” help. Because that is the worst help in the world and in fact, not all that helpful. It would probably make things worse actually, because then I’d be filled with guilt too.

So I’m looking for gentle help. It may not even be a person. Maybe it’s a sign, or a book I pick up, a blog post I stumble upon. It could be anything. I’m open to receiving help in whatever form it comes. And I’d like to be able to recognize that help, because I have a tendency to trip over the thing I need without realizing that I’m tripping over it.

My commitment

I commit to being open minded. I commit to paying attention to the things that come up and being in an intentional relationship with my stuck. I commit to interacting with my stuck in any way that I can. I also commit to being compassionate with myself and being kind about my stuck. I commit to not playing the guilt & shame game with myself. I will be detective and search out patterns and habits. I will take notes and follow clues. And I will do it all in a non-judgmental, gentle way.

Ways my stuck could get resolved

- I could have a conversation with myself and the stuck could actually come out to talk with me
- I could have a flash of insight and suddenly understand why I’m stuck
- Someone could say something that triggers a flash of insight
- Someone could talk me through my stuck
- Someone whose very close to me and knows me well could gently point out some clues they’ve seen about my stuck and I could get a flash of insight
- I could read something/see something that triggers an insight
- Magic. The Universe pulling strings. Synchronicity. Providence.
- Some other way that I can’t see but I’m totally open to happening.

That’s it.

I feel better just for having admitted there’s a problem and committed to finding a solution. It’s Christmas soon, and with the madness that shall ensue, I’m pretty sure I’ll get nowhere on it for the next week or so, but at least it’s out there, doing it’s groovy thing.

Personal ads, don’t fail me now.