I have a confession to make:

Behind the scenes, I’ve been kind of falling apart.

I haven’t spoken about it yet, but things have been tough lately. I guess I didn’t really know how to put it into words.

Let me rephrase that – I didn’t want to put it into words.

I’ve finally had to admit to myself how much anxiety I deal with on a daily basis. Way above normal levels. Hours of my day are spent in either full blown freak out mode, or I’m sitting on the edge of panic, my heart racing, adrenaline pumping through my body, unable to to properly calm down and relax. My body has transformed into a hyperactive puppy – although I do wonder if it was always like this and I’m just noticing it now.

I’ve gone back to therapy, which has been helpful. But at the same time, it’s been hard. Painful memories and events that haven’t been dealt with and healed are coming back up. It’s been something akin to taking my finger out of the dam – once one memory comes, it’s followed by countless, painful friends.

My head has suddenly become a not-so-friendly place to live. I know these are things that need to be handled, that need to be dealt with, but it’s difficult. Yet it’s reached a point where it’s less painful to deal with them (and the anxiety they left behind) than it is to pretend it’s not happening and attempt to function in the rest of my life.

But I’m not superwoman.

I’ve been trying to deal with this anxiety, work 2 freelance jobs, create a portfolio to apply to France and grow my business at the same time. I haven’t been doing too well at it, and now I feel stretched thin, worn out and overwhelmed. I just can’t do it all. (Shocking, right? I mean, it’s not like I’m human or anything.)

So here’s the plan…

Something has to give. And that’s going to be my marketing. Obviously I’ll still be creating art. And I make enough from the two freelance jobs to make a living. But for the month of September, my mental and emotional health is going to be my main focus. No Twittering, no blogging, no Facebooking. Just me, painting and healing.

My whole body just sighed with relief when I wrote that.

Painting and healing.

God, that’s exactly what I need right now.

I may send out the occasional e-newsletter (click here to sign up for that if you’re not already). But it’ll be quick and easy – just an image of some work in progress, a bit of text. Nothing fancy.

I need to take the pressure off for a bit, to let myself focus on what’s important – my well being, my happiness, my health.

If I’m falling apart, then I’ve got nothing to give to the things and the people that are important to me. I can’t even give it to my art. I’ve got 20 unfinished pieces in my studio right now because I just don’t have the emotional strength to bring them to completion. For me, it’s an emotional thing, finishing a painting. I have to paint it and then let it go. Right now, that letting go is too hard, so I’m not doing anything about it.

Everything in my life feels too hard right now. Even answering emails. I need to take the time to restore myself, to get back to myself. I’m really tired of living in this space where my nerves are just constantly strung out.

I am yearning for peace – peace of mind, to be exact. To have my head be a friendly, welcoming place.

So I’m saying au revoir for now. I’ll be back on October 1st and hopefully feeling more like myself again.

I hope your September is fantastic and I’ll miss you all dearly while I’m gone. I’ll be thinking of you!

Comments: You may not agree with my choice to do this, but this is really what’s right for me, so I’d appreciate it if you could keep your criticisms to yourself. I’m really just needing support, love and comfort right now.

Edit: Since I’ve already received a couple of these emails and don’t feel like responding to 8 hundred more, just so you know, I have been taking measures to deal with this already. I start my day with deep breathing, meditation, gentle yoga, and Shiva Nata. I take walks. I dance. I try to rest (although that’s one I’m not as good at.) I’m loading up on healthy foods, vitamins, green tea and L-Theanine. I have been proactive.

Also, this isn’t just “some stress and overwhelm”. I’m dealing with some deep emotional trauma that I have chosen not to share here, and it’s causing me extreme anxiety in my day to day life. I understand that everyone feels overwhelmed and stressed out sometimes and I’m not trying to pretend that I am somehow special. I am just discussing what’s going on for me and the measures that I’m taking to deal with it.

*phew*

Okay, I’m done.